Tag 39, 05/09/2024

I'm going to the hospital for the check-up in 2 hours, I asked my mom what they'd actually check and she said they're going to check my genitals or something? idrk wtf they're going to do but whatevers gets me there I'll agree to. I'll write more about it later, once I've actually got the check-up done. I'm irritated because there's some guy fixing our shower right now and I don't wanna go into the hospital where they're gonna be inspecting my body dirty. The shaving cream thing worked wonders btw! Gonna be doing my arms next.

I'm back, sorry for waiting so long. So the checking itself went fine, she noted that my boobs weren't made of fat or something like that something about glands (I didn't get it), she told me she'd schedule a hormone test to see if I had this thing called Kleinfelder syndrome (I hope I wrote it right). It'd make sense, I am tall as fuck, my legs are long as fuck, my tits exist, etc etc. I check all the boxes for it. I'm okay with it, except for the height part I'm actually happy to have this, it gives me femenine features and does away with my children conflict because I'm likely to be infertile anyways (yippee...?). My mom told my sister and a very close family friend who is basically my aunt at this point, haven't heard from them yet but I bet I'll hear about it in due time. My hormone test is going to be taken on the 27th and its results can't be hidden from my dad so I HAVE to come out asap, given that my sister's on my side now I can pretty comfortably say I won't die in the attempt, still worries me how it'll go, I've still got 2 years before I'm an adult that can do whatever the fuck she wants (move out mainly) and from what houses cost right now I'd give it 20 years before I'm able to move out even with a good job lol. My plan has always been to go to the countryside where everything is cheaper and the weather is more to my taste, not to mention that getting out of this minefield of people that have known me since I was 2 months old despite the fact I haven't seen them in my life can only be good. So here's for a tranny 2025! Guess it's happening. Forgot to mention; During the check up the doctor asked me what pronouns she should use and I said femenine because fuck it I'm a woman now and it actually felt right!

Tag 38.5 , 04/09/2024

New development: it looks like I'll be transitioning medically earlier than even I anticipated. My mom took my desires to heart and went over to the local hospital to ask to get a hormone check on me, she told them why she wanted to get me checked and went down the rabbit hole that is trans healthcare with the substitute doctor (my og doctor was on vacation). So tomorrow I'm going to be interviewed or checked or something idrk in order to get the whole damn thing started. I'm conflicted about this, it's almost like I didn't really think this through at all even though I've been mind fucking myself for over a year about it. I'm worried for my social life now, going through hrt right as I begin the new school year WILL be hell, not to mention that I was planning on getting a job on the evenings to make money which would stress me even more. I'm thankful though, to live in a country were it's relatively easy to get help, I'm even more thankful to have a mom that helps me and supports me so much. Problem: my dad controls my health account thing and can see what goes on in it, even if it's a special service it'll appear on my record that I got the test, interview, hrt, etc. That means I'm gonna have to come out STAT, which is worrying, he's not in the best of moods and I think he's worried about me not being straight due to how I dress and act, not to mention that he's been trying to subtly man-ify me taking me out to drive his car (sister was the mvp of that she hot-joined the activity and saved me from conversational doom) and asking me to go on adventures with him. It sounds like I'm trying to antagonize him and I know that, I still love him he's my dad ffs, I just feel like he's desperate the get a grip on me before I "slip away" from his hands. He might also be the cause of some of my doubts, when I was little he insisted I was the last hope he had to carry on his bloodline, I have a 50 year old brother and a sister that's only 4 years older than me, it isn't looking good for his bloodline if I transition (become infertile). Even if I didn't transition I doubt I'd have kids, at the end of the day I'm not good at relationships and I haven't ever felt this "love" thing everyone talks about, that's a very autistic sentence but it's the truth. If I get very lucky I might find a guy to share my life with and we could adopt a kid, that wouldn't be the end of the world and tbh it's helpful to the kid. I just don't really see myself with another person right now, I'm not attracted to anyone emotionally or physically. I'm not asexual I don't think, aromantic maybeee, I don't know shit. God I really have to recruit some people to help me come out, my sister for sure, she'll help with my dad but I don't know if she'd be able to keep the secret, she didn't keep the secret of me being autistic but it's probably fine she'll only share it with her friends who I don't really care about. I gotta train my voice more now that it's actually happening.

Tag 38, 04/09/2024

One of the things I'm looking forward to when I medically transition is losing my very hated phallus, I genuinely hate it it's so inconvenient and doesn't bring me anything, I hate seeing it and I hate when it hardens on its own in the middle of a social interaction. I just wish I could get rid of it now, not going to lie. Another thing that's been on my mind today: my tits are getting smaller (or at least I feel like they're getting smaller), so is my ass, I used to be very happy with those unusually large features of mine considering that I was born a man, my waist and pelvis are still the same, doubt hormones would change that anyway, I don't know if i'm going through some kind of second wave of puberty (god I really hope not) but I hate it and it's making me uneasy. I just want hrt man it would solve this, my slight face insecurities by putting fat in the right places and maybe even make my belly a bit smaller by redistributing its fat elsewhere. Why couldn't I just be born a girl? Why must I endure this shit? Not a happy camper right now...

Tag 37, 03/09/2024

Today was a day for sure! Yesterday I got very tired socially so I took the entire evening off mentally and just slept awake in front of my desktop for 4 hours, then, today, I had a big German exam because fuck you that's why, had to wake up at 7 and got ready and everything, made myself a sandwich with the underwhelming amount of bread my house had (my mum is a baker), then had to use the loud ass subway which I hate but it was the fastest way to get to the examination hall thing which is pretty far away from where I live. The exam itself went well, did the reading, listening and writing and then I had 3 hours to kill until my oral exam, it started raining for the first time in a while right as my "break" started and after wasting an hour ruminating what to do I decided to go home, got home, grabbed an umbrella and ate some lasagna that was in the fridge because I hadn't had any breakfast, got back to the examination hall after being irritated incesently by the umbrella closing itself during a thunderstorm, did the exam that went very well, got back home irritated again, found out my parents had already had lunch and didn't leave me anything, got a protein shake because I needed nutrients, watched youtube for 3 hours and got to here, writing in my "stylized" (aka I'm too lazy to make it pretty) web blog! My mom bought me this shaving cream thing that burns your hair so it's kinda like wax without having to use wax, sounds neat, she did get me the gendered manly version for some reason even though I usually prefer femenine products because of my fragile skin, whatever it'll probably be fine. My sister is coming back to town (yay?). Means I'll be able to play guitar but also means I won't be able to make noise and also means I won't have headphones because I've been using hers since mine broke... I just wanna come out and live my life man I'm not comfortable keeping this shitty act up for long, I just want to be myself for once for fucks sake...

Tag 36, 02/09/2024

I had a dream just now; I was on some random train with my neckless shirt on and some unspecified pants, there I met 2 guys that apparently were going to my new school (I was on the train on the way there apparently) we chatted and stuff, we got to the new school, chatted a bit more one of them even flirted with me for a while. Can't remember much else but it made me happy, the fact I got this dream and looked the way I looked in it may be because I tried sleeping naked today, I don't really like showing off my body and since my door is always open because small room I had to wrap myself around my very thin blanket so I could sleep at ease.
In like 2 hours I'm going bowling with some old school friends, I'm decent at bowling surprisingly, I don't really know how many people are going, from what I can see in the whatsapp group only me and the host guy voted on it on the poll sooo I guess it'll be a 1v1 lol. Right after going to bed I started up this old computer and wrote this all with DeMarco's Dreamin' on the shitty office speakers, it's such a good song I'm blown away by it every time I listen to it... 2 days ago I managed to scrap together enough coins to buy a cd so I bought *drum roll* Mac DeMarco's 2 album! I already loved it but now I love it more, every single song is a banger I don't know how he does it. In the record store I also found his Salad Days album as a vynil but it was lke 30€ and my poor poor wallet couldn't take that much damage so I got the cd (also now that I've listened to both albums thoroughly it is my firm opinion that 2 is better overall). Also I found the cd in the local rock group section of the store lol

Tag 35, 31/08/2024

If this whole thing is a war within my brain tonight was the Somme. Not only did my brain overthink my entire life over 2 times but once I fell asleep it also created a very confusing dream. The dream was me meeting a girl and going out on a date with her around some grass field, the conversation was alright and we got along well, then once I was home I saw that she had sent me a message on AoL messenger of all things saying that it wouldn't work out because of some big reason with a giant list of things she doesn't like attached (it was more like an E-mail, dreamscape technology is weird. Also this all happened on a windows XP machine lol). I don't know what this means or if I should make anything of it at all, I'm overrun by this thought that I rushed things too much and now I'm regretting even living, it's like there's a part of me that doesn't want to change for the sake of a simpler life. On stark contrast to this; Yesterday I was horny for some reason and started to fantasize about that one possibly trans friend I talked about earlier. I need to think some stuff over and hopefully not die trying which'll be a challenge for sure.

Tag 34, 28/08/2024

Today was weird. I woke up from a weird ass dream at like 1 pm stuck to the bed sheets from the heat, then I ate lunch, then I chilled for like 30 mins, showered and went on a side quest with my mom for no reason. We went to the dentist and she was in there for like an hour while I listened to DeMarco on my iPod in the empty waiting room, then we had a coffee and went to a cool street where all the cool stores are and we tried finding me some shoes because mine are broken as, didn't find any, did find Mac DeMarco's 2 CD in a record store I always go to when I'm close, bought it cuz it was only like 10 bucks, pretty expensive for a CD but I get it cuz he's famous now or whatever. Then I met one of my uncles and he showed me the gist of taking care of his cat cuz he's going to be away for a bit and I'll have to take care of her. Then back home, after dinner, I sat down, failed horribly at drawing something and then was hit by youtube with this old ass video "Bonkimiru", tf2 gem from 2014. Lead me to remember that I used to really like Cirno, even used her as an avatar I'd wear in vrchat for the longest time, this was around the time my trans thoughts started becoming serious (~december-january). I still really like that character, I'd love to cosplay as her some time but I don't think I'll ever get around to going through with that. Man I'm kinda sad, I guess because my plans to come out before school started were foiled by my mom not wanting to take any risks. I'm worried for my social life, I can make do with 0 friends because autism but it isn't exactly ideal, I guess I'll end up like I did back like 6 years ago when I had better friendships with the teachers than any students, dark times ngl. I've also got my German exams due in like a week so I'll have to get ready for that, I think I'm pretty good at German, I've only been at it for like 6 months and I'm alreayd on-par with most of my classmates who've been learning German for 4 years, I'm a quick learner but I have a lot of hiccups and it sucks when I just forget something important.

Tag 33, 26/08/2024

Cleared the air up with my mom, I was just overthinking it really. She's agreed to most of what I said though she doesn't see the necessity of rushing things which is understandable. I worried her a bit because I had a moment were I opened up about my social situation and needless to say it isn't looking good, I've got like 3 friends I still talk to (more like send reels to every week or so) and I don't think they'll take it well, they are very shallow friends, the only friend I've got I actually want to tell this to is out of the country because his parents are split between countries and it sucks. He's joked on the past about being trans and he's a very weird guy, it might be one hell of a guess but I'd bet my money that he ends up coming out in 2 years. I'd love opening up to him but oh well... I've known him since we were like 8 and lately I think about him a lot, I wouldn't say I'm in love but I wouldn't be opposed to the idea... Anyways, about the family; My mom says I should tell my sister about this whole thing (she hasn't told her anything it seems though she has expressed she wants to, badly), says she'd make a good ally against my dad's bs, I'll have to wait to try because she's out of town. My mom also convinced me of doing a hormone test later down the line for some reason, I didn't really get it but I guess she wants to find a cause to my physical femininity (talked about my quirks more yesterday so I'm not going to bore you). I miss the 4 days I was alone... for the slightest amount of time I got to be myself and while I don't think I used the time I was given efficiently I wouldn't say I wasted it either, I did get a couple milestones in, I bought clothes again, I went outside and even bought stuff while wearing feminine clothing, I got a shit ton of voice practice to the point were I can do a passable voice on-command with some previous warm-up (one DeMarco song)... then my parents were back and I'm relegated to my 8x4m shithole I call my room. I don't bring up a lot to my family how much my room sucks because I know it's something they can't really do anything about but holy shit, if I get claustrophobia in the future I wouldn't be surprised, my bed has to fold into the closet for me to have enough space to walk or play guitar. My computer generates a shit ton of heat + small room + window leads to a weird in-door 10x10m hole = I die of heat in the summer here without a/c and the funniest bit is I can't turn it on in the night because the neighbours complain it's too loud... Why can't it be winter already ffs, it's such a good feeling when you're cold and you get into your cold blanket and it turns warm just trapping you in comfort... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH I'M A WINTER GIRLLLL WHY CANT IT BE COLD IN MY STUPID COUNTRY!??! One of these days I'll get sick of this stupid country and move to Sweden or something...

Tag 32.5 , 24/08/2024

I might be misreading the situation but I think I might've hurt my mom... I told her 30 minutes ago in a very criptic way while my dad was paying for dinner that I had decided that I was trans and she seemed kinda bummed about it, she tried to tell me something but my dad walked in so we pivoted the conversation, she seemed kinda sad in the walk back home but she hugged me and told me good night as usual. If she has an issue with it I don't think I'll be able to come out to anyone, I don't want to hurt her she's basically been my only ally in this and to see her so sad has made me sad and now I'm thinking what she might've wanted to say. Some weeks ago (~5) she talked with my psychiatrist about seeing a specialised gender therapist which I agreed to but we never got around to do it while they could still be possibly open. I've looked into it myself as a bit of a deviation into the hrt research and it looks like they go hand-in-hand. The same hospital that specialises in physical care for trans people also has a psychology department were they diagnose you and stuff (you need a valid diagnosis to get hrt recipeed). I'll tell her this when I properly come out to her, we were in a bit of a hurry and I don't really know why I said it then, it was kind of stupid of me, now she's going to be up all night thinking about me and the mess I've been in ever since november... God I can't catch a break and I can't blame anyone but myself at this point... and I was so happy before that. I have to come out before school starts or else I'll be stuck in the status quo until december and even then I don't really want to fuck up my entire family's christmas, this could cause a fucking civil war for all I know, I'm not 100% who would support who but I like to think that more people are ok with it than I can think of. This is such a fucking mess why was I born this way? Couldn't I just be born a girl and live happily ever after?

Tag 32, 24/08/2024

Been thinking (what a surprise); Accepting the fact that I'm trans and striving to be more femenine has made me a better person, I'm happier, I'm thinner, I'm overall a better human being. Coming out and finally getting hrt has a high chance of being just about the best decision I've ever made. On a different note, yesterday I was watching this movie on the telly about the men's syncronised swimming team of the UK and it made me think about my body. There are multiple scenes were the men are naked and it made me realise just how femenine my body has ALWAYS been. I've always had a lot of ass, my belly is very narrow (even when I'm 10kg overweight) and my hips are wide as, my thighs are thick as hell too, my arms are very skinny, my face passes without hrt so it isn't masculine at all, was I born to be trans or what? What medical explanation is there to all of this?? What the fuck was god smoking when he made me??? I'm happy about these features right now and actually kinda wish I was even more femenine, I am still 192cm tall which sucks and I hate my fast-regen body hair with a passion but at the end of the day I mean I've got it pretty good for a trans individual I think, I just have to loose what's left of my fat belly.

Switching up the theme a bit, this diary of a wimpy kid mod for friday night funkn came out yesterday and I played it and tbh it was good but it could've been better, the original songs by Córtiles went hella hard but they edited them in such a way for the mod that I just don't like, they add this like faded effect for like a minute in every single song and it didn't sound well or fit the song once I hated it. Rodrick rules is still my favourite song (because it's just objectively 100% the best song) but the charting was horrid, I had no problem passing the stage but some of the riffs were straight outta 2020 bomb head guy mod horrid. I love being positive!

Tag 31, 23/08/2024

Yesterday night I comitted a stupid! I put on an outfit that was frankly very cool (my first skirt and an orange shirt I found that hihglighted my features) and I headed down to the grocery store were the clerks are always stupid and bought 2 packets of cheese and a 7€ vodka bottle, what followed was me live streaming myself (with facecam) playing cs while drinking. Not my proudest moment, might delete the account I live streamed on because this whole leichpfand thing is becoming wayyyyyy too not-anonymous by now, guess it's what happens when you talk about your thoughts and experiences every single day! Anyways, after that I went to sleep, had the best 9 hours of my life and woke up hungover for the first time. It sucked but I pushed through with a coffee and absurd amounts of weezer, managed to get myself to clean the kitchen and everything (have you noticed yet that I kinda like cleaning?). God that was a mistake, I also remember opening a snapchat account with my leichpfand name and seeing that it had told every single one of my contacts on my phone, I panicked and deleted the account but holy shit. It's probably fine, it only notified people I know from my (now) old school sooooo yeahhhhh. After cleaning the kitchen today I chatted with some mates, came out to them because I wasn't going to be able to hide it for long let's be honest, cooked myself some eggs for lunch, showered, and now I'm here after a facetime with my mom about getting the laundry machine working. I want to get at least 2 laundries done because this might be my only chance at cleaning my female clothes before I come out. Talking about that; I REALLY want to come out to my parents, I know I'll come out to my mom in private first (and I think she told my sister when I first told her I was having doubts because my sister's been real warm to me lately and we very rarely talked earlier, might just be coincidence tho idk), then I'll tackle the big fella himself, my dad. I don't think anything too bad will happen, I just don't think I have the guts to tell him face to face, he's a very supportive dad even if he fucks up sometimes while talking, he definetly cares immensly about me and my sister I just don't like what could happen between us. I'm his favourite and even with that title he has lately been talking a lot of smack and trying to get me into arguments (imagine my sister's situation). What I mean by "nothing too bad" I mean that I won't get kicked out of the house or punched or anything, he might just stop talking to me or something or act like he's fine with it only to blow up when I'm alone with him. God it just doesn't look good right now pfandbros. My parents are coming back to the city tomorrow as well so I won't be alone anymore which SUCKS. I can't wait to get my own place one day, or go with the erasmus program somewhere for half a year, that'd be cool as hell.

Tag 30, 22/08/2024

After yesterday's frenzy I woke up with my legs out of battery lol managed to get up and tried a pancake recipe I found around the house, went horribly cuz I didn't have baking powder nor baking skill so it kinda sucked on the visual side but they tasted good! I melted some chocolate and poured it on top like nutella and it worked out nicely! Being alone has opened my eyes to just how good my house is for 1 or 2 people, of course having a family of 4 (+dog) kinda overbooks everything in our 80m^2 apartment, my room used to be my dad's office ffs!!! It's so liberating being able to sleep in a bigger room with the a/c on. Anyways, so, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows down here unfortunately! Being alone has given me the curse of having to listen to my own thoughts and I keep fucking myself over with the same crisis I'm having; What the fuck do I do (socially) in 3 weeks when at the new school? I know I'll crush it accademically but socially I'm kinda scared... I've looked around and seen that most people on my "major" are either 4chan neets or wannabe gangsters which is scary, I know there's good people everywhere and I know I'll likely make a friend or 2 but I'm thinking that if I just don't come out before september it would be beneficial for me to just bottle up my femeninity while at school and do the exact same thing that worked out for me in ""high school"". I'm scared it'll kill me mentally though, it sucks having to hide yourself away and I learned that the hard way. What the hell do I do? I've seen femboys and stuff have friends but I can't act femenine around my dad if I don't come out to him first which will be a problem because he's always awake (or just hasn't gone to sleep yet) at 6am which is when I'd be leaving for school, hopefully with my new-found taste in clothes (if you catch my drift). Ughhh tbh I think he suspects something, I wish he does. Verifying someone's suspicions is way easier than dropping a truth nuke on them, then again I think he suspects I'm gay and not trans, I think being gay is a smaller deal in his head but I can't know for sure because he's also made choice comments at the family dinner table about gay people, mainly just old-school things that were considered not that offensive back in the 80's and are considered very offensive now... God I don't know, this shit got more layers than an onion. I will have to come out at some point or another, preferably soon, I'll have to give my mom a heads up too seperately because I think I haven't let her onto the extent of this whole ordeal yet, I think she still thinks I'm in the doubt phase which I got out of like 4 weeks ago... Whateverrrrr

Tag 29.5 , 21/08/2024

Today has been the best!!! I got so much stuff done it's crazy. I cleaned my lizard's cage first thing in the morning after a light breakfast of cereal and coffee (not together you psycho), got a lot of voice practice in as I mentioned earlier today, grabbed my bike for a quick spin at like 4pm and bought myself a new skirt and a top at an outlet shop! (the top looks good but I'm too fat to be showing off my belly rn lol so I'll probably either return it or save it for later). Then after a quick facetime w my mom I watered the plants, cleaned the kitchen and dishes and even mopped the apartment! Then at around 8pm I hopped off a discord call and thought to myself "what if I go out for a walk in my new clothes?" so I did! I'll share a picture here of the outfit I decided on, there you'll find pics of my new and improved "cut-neck t-shirt" outfit which is actually very comfy but I think I cut it wayyy too wide so I plan on only using it as a pijama. God I'm having fun being alone, DeMarco filling every room with his music and my better-by-the-day voice following close behind him. P.S.: In the photos you'll see me wearing a bra (and panties I just wasn't showing those), I got them from my mom, they were actually kinda the perfect size to my surprise!

Tag 29, 21/08/2024

I don't like to make entries in the mornings but I'm so happy right now that I can't hold myself back!! Yesterday night was kinda awesome, after a little practice session I got on vrchat to see if my voice passed and boy did it! I found this avatar that was like a moth knightess thing and I went into McDonald's, got a job as a janitor, mopped the entire building like it was an irl 9/5 and got my mop stolen 9 times by the same guy that kept putting it on the roof where I couldn't reach it, also there was this smiling friends avatar guy thing that kept on saying "I'm gonna touch youuu" to every single female in the area and he included me (that one's a bit sadder I'm not going to lie)!! Then I got off McDonald's when it became too much of a shitshow and tried to get on this B club world thing? It was very cool and had a dance floor that lit up when you stepped on it but my headset started lagging and I had to call it a day. I'm so happy lol, voice training is going to be soooo easyyyy for 4 days it's crazy, I've spent like 20 minutes just looking at a mirror and dancing and singing to my playlist, just average happy things I guesssss. Oh and btw I gave weezer's blue album a good chance and it goes really hard! Say it Ain't So, Only in Dreams, The World Has Turned and Left Me here, all bangers!!!

Tag 28, 20/08/2024

I'm back! Not happy, but back... I've been with my family up in the mountains for a while and I've lost some ability to do my high voice, so it's an all-nighter singing DeMarco's songs in increasingly pitched voices for me... Anyways... While on vacation I developed some dysmorphia and holy shit does it suck, everytime I go to the bathroom and see my thing I get this indescribeable feeling between disgust and confusion, I usually hide it away between my legs to avoid seeing it but it's inevitable. I also had a VERY bad time sleeping once because of it, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I ended up falling asleep at 2am having gone to bed at 10pm... God my life just kinda sucks right now I'm not going to lie, all of my online "friends" except one have picked up a habit of just making fun of me for no reason at all as soon as I say anything in the chats or join a vc so I can't catch a break even in my escapist world, the only place I've found happiness in is in the scattered lucid dreams I manage to pull off, having insomnia doesn't help this situation at all. It's so bad that I've started legitimately thinking of getting hrt behind both of my parents' backs, god I want it, I fucking need it at this point. On a positive note, I've been left COMPLETELY ALONE in my house as my parents have stayed in the town while my uncle brought me down back to the city, so I've got a whole house to myself; I can wear my skirt around and I can speak in my intended voice, so I guess that's gonna be a fun 4 days! Another mental hiccup I had while out in the wilderness was to buy a [certain item commonly used by women to relieve themselves], idk if I'll go through with it, probably not, I haven't enough hiding space for such a thing and I don't know where I'd clean it. God what a messy week, I've still got DeMarco I guess, once I get burned out with his music for listening to it 24/7 I'm gonna be fucking suicidal lol

Tag 27, 15/08/2024

Been straight ruminating for a while about the whole HRT thing... I think it'd be good for me but I also think I'd have to come out to my dad before I get it, it'd be too noticeable of a change to my body and he would find out eventually and would confront me and start it off by "¡¿why the fuck did you take this very important decision without saying ANYTHING to me?!". I really want HRT, badly, I'm feinding for it but alas I can't, for my father musteth foreknow. I don't know how to come out to him, I'm balls deep into the acceptance phase of my "trans grief"(tm) so it should be sooner rather than later and still I don't feel like he would take it well at all. He's been smoking since he was 21 and he's 68 now but he quit smoking a month ago so he's pretty easily irritated and it looks like this irritability is here to stay for a month or 2 more. Should I have told him before he quit smoking? Probably not, he was at a bit of a low point with my mom because he'd been refusing to quit smoking (something he knows hurts everyone in the house) for years, so he was already rather irritable. I genuinely don't know how to go about this... Maybe I could set up like a meeting with my psychologist and have him break the news to him? It could help I think but as soon as I'm out of the guy's office I'm cooked, roasted and steamed at 220º. I actually need advice on this if anyone reading this has come out as trans or gay or lesbian or whatever... Actually thinking about that I do know someone who came out as a lesbian not too long ago, there's this family that's very good friends with mine, they have like 3 sons and 1 daughter and the daughter came out as lesbian some time ago. Should I just ask her? What if it's just that her family is more accepting of this? My dad has in the past said some choice words on trans people, and uses trans slurs every now and then with his buddies... Fuck me

Tag 26, 14/08/2024

Shopping yesterday went down right catastrophic!! I almost had a panic attack in the middle of the Westfield and it was horrible, ended up running home while yelling to myself (in my head, not out loud) "I need HRT"... So how was your Tuesday?. Eventually I calmed down and it was fine but it left a sour feeling behind, I want to try again today, maybe it was just insecurity? I don't know but it was so unreal and I'm confused as to what changed from the time I bought my skirt to now... If you're wondering what I want to buy so badly, turns out my skirt was part of a set including a blouse that is really cute and I want it also it's on sale soooo. I also kinda wanna get underwear but I don't really know why, it's not like anyone else will see it but then again, not even my mom has seen my skirt yet or even a picture of it lol. I'm feeling hopeful today, it's a rain-able day and I like that because rain is rare where I live, specially in the last 3 years. When it rains it's like the weather is egging you on to do something! The ground smells nice, the air is cold but not freezing, you can go out of your house without catching on fire, it's the best time to be alive at any given point of the month! Also I finally got around obtaining a digital version of Mac DeMarco's "2" album and omg it's been dazzling me for hours!! Already made a playlist for my favs but my super ultra mega good songs picks are (rn) "The Stars Keep on Calling my Name" and specially "Freaking Out the Neighbourhood" the upbeat melody of the former and the absolute BANGER guitar on the latter just make my ears jump!!

This is gonna be quite the Post Scriptum but idc: Thinking back to what I was screaming internally yesterday, I really do want to get HRT, I think it'd be the icing on the cake at this point, I *think* I pass if I choose my outfits well but it could be better, from what I can read online HRT would in like 3 months get rid of most of my face insecurities (except the eyebrows but I think they won't be too noticeable once I actually grow my hair bangs back fully). Also my body while it is already quite femenine I guess it could be better, it's not an insecurity though more like an add-on lol. Honestly the biggest thing I want out of HRT is to make body and facial hair grow slower, everytime I shave my upper lip it's visibly back after only like 2 days and I fucking hate it cuz I'm still learning to shave my face and I almost always cut my lips somewhere. Dunno when to get it though... I could literally get it right now, my country has very leanient trans laws, at 16 I can already change my legal gender and go by bus to a trans clinic and get a prescription for estrogen, it of course isn't as simple as going once but from what I've see on Reddit and the reviews people have left on the clinic it seems to be the jist of it... I kinda wanna wait until september but then again transitioning in the middle of a school year doesn't sound wise even if I am only attending to get a degree because I already know everything they're going to "teach" me...

Tag 25, 13/08/2024

Back in my town I thought about a lot of stuff, I didn't have much to entertain myself so I just started mining bitcoin in my brain, except that instead of mining bitcoin I thought hard about existential stuff and instead of doing it by solving mathematical equations I did it by not finding solutions and just asking myself stuff over and over again for 5 days. Sounds like hell? It was! Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully stupid. Anyways, I thought about the child ""issue" and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't really want to raise a child anyways in the years to come, if the economy is THIS bad in 2024 how do you think it'll be in 2030 after ww3 has ended and we're all dead due to nukes? I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel everything is shit and keeps getting worse. That's why I want to transition as soon as possible; Who knows if the trans laws in my country are abolished if a far-right cunt comes into power? Who knows if I'm going to get drafted and die in a war that my country shouldn't be involved in? I hate thinking about stuff like this but I think it's necessary. So yeah, even if I could I probably shouldn't have children because that poor soul is not going to have a good time anyways so who the fuck cares... I also thought about myself, my personality. Believe it or not, outside of the internet I'm actually a pretty cheerful person, a bit on the optimist side as well. That sentence I just typed is the culmination of around 3 days of thinking, go me!

I'll admit it, I'm sad. And what does one do when they're sad? They go to the internet for reassurance. That's why I was on Omegle for 4 hours yesterday. It's my guilty pleasure. People identify me as a girl and it makes me happy, I also get to practice guitar which is cool but it's not healthy, meeting these many pantless men in a day is not good, not to mention that one diabolical motherfucker in the chatroom yesterday that kept spamming messages like "I hope your dad pins you down and rapes you". For fuck's sake who enjoys doing this to people they don't even know? I'm going to end the blog post here because I gotta let off some steam, maybe I'll go shopping today, I've accumulated like 32€ so I think I'm set to buy some more secret clothes, maybe I'll finally get underwear though I worry that I won't be able to clean it as often as you should clean underwear because my mom isn't home and my dad's doing the laundry. I could do it myself I guess, I'll see if I can strike up a deal were I do the laundry and get 5 euros a week or something idk

Tag 24, 11/08/2024

Been a while aye?!? I'm back home for like 5 days cuz my sis has to work and my dad is just my dad and hates being around my mom's family, I insited on coming back over to the city because I was bored as fuck in my town, I don't fancy going to the pool (only worth-while thing in my town), I can't bike because it's 37 degrees celcius outside and I'm white as a cracker, not to mention that my only friend there was leaving tomorrow... It's a whole thing I don't want to bore you. Now that I'm back I'll try making a few guitar vids, my guitar skills have been on a steady rise, i already ""know"" 1 full song (Die Grenzwacht hielt im Osten, I made a vid about it, watch it here) and I'm learning a few others (Undone by Weezer and Freikorps Voran by ...Germany ig?). Things are just looking up and I like it!! I like having lots of alone time here in the city, I get to be myself wearing my skirt and singing WW1 songs in my 6m^2 room. It's good to be back, even if it's for only 5 days...

Tag 23, 04/08/2024

The earlier blogpost really spiraled huh? lol. I've gotten a bit of money over the 3 days I've spent away from this sorrow storage facility I call leichpfand. I got 5 bucks for helping my mom throw out old stuff, 5 more for accompanying her to a dentist appointment and I'm about to get 15 more euros for hacking a mate's 3DS. Things are looking up for once! I'm kinda certain that this month is going to be THE month, it's going to be my trans certificate month, every day I feel more in tune with my """femenine side""" and I love every single thing about it. I've looked into the technical side of things for a while, there's a specialised clinic in my city just for trans people! The reviews are awesome and paint a picture I hope to be a part of, you don't need like a diagnosis which is a bit weird personally idk if that should be the case but I'm fine with it because it'll help me lol. It's a bit (very) far away from my house, it's in the "center" of the city which in my city is more like the south-west because it's where the old medieval stuff is, but it's probably fine, I can get there by bus rather easily according to google maps (which is never right and you shouldn't trust with the pettiest of things). There were some bad reviews of the place but mostly just parents not accepting that their children are trans, one said "They brainwash your teenagers to be transexual (...) ", there's stupid people everywhere. It appears as though you can get estrogen rather easily there as well, after a blood test and a "genital" test (I'm going off the reviews and one reddit post so I still don't know what that means) you just get a recipe for it and can buy it at a pharmacy for like 8€ a month it's pretty sweet, and I think *think* they also provide SRS for free but I'll have to ask once I build up enough courage (in 2 years). Yesterday, while not being able to fall asleep, I tried practicing my voice a bit by singing german songs (don't ask) in my higher tones and I reached a milestone of sorts, I managed to make my voice so passable for like an entire song, my throat hurt a bit afterwards and my lower voices were just gone for a few minutes but it was very cool and I hope to replicate it today. Speaking of today, I'm going on a trip! For what's left of August I'll be in my town surrounded by family members and my dog and blazing heat. I don't know what to expect really, I think I'll get bored easily lol but it's whatever, better than being bored here in the city. Going back to the money thing, I don't know what I'll buy tbh. Since I now have a skirt I was thinking maybe a blouse or something, I've seen a couple that were very cute and omg I want them but I think I need a bra first... Idk how much they cost though, I may end up buying them at a thrift store so they're cheaper. I don't think that with 25€ I'll have enough for a blouse AND a bra... idkkkk I'm bad at economic decisions, when I was younger I'd spend all of my christmas money the day right after christmas lol. Also I'm kinda nervous again about buying female clothes... Last time, when I bought the skirt, the cashier lady made some weird faces and I fear she was doubting me... It's a whole conundrum and it's been siking it's teeth deeper and deeper into my brain :( Damn I should really write poetry, maybe I'll bring a typewriter to my town and do that to kill time lol

Tag 22, 01/08/2024

Finally August, aye? The hottest month of the year that I'll spend out with my family in the dry ass countryside. I've been thinking a lot about my "image" lately, I'm getting the hang of styling my hair in a way that it hides my more masculine features on my face though I'd say my face is rather femenine, I think I already pass if I pick the right outfits but I still have to keep on loosing weight to really hammer the point home. I haven't picked my bike up since I climbed that mountain and I think today's the day I change that. I'll do the same thing I did before the mountain, following the beaches until I get to a good spot on a nearby coastal city, it'd be cool to have money so I could buy stuff at the cool shops near the beach's walkway, saw some cute clothes last time. I feel myself becoming/acting more feminine by the day and I love it, it's like I'm finally ok with myself. I'm getting better at shaving also, but my thighs are for some reason invincible I can't cut them smooth no matter what I do, small hairs prevail, I'll just let it grow more and then do a bulk cut. I fantasize about finally getting hrt every second, I can't wait, once I get it I'll finally be happy with myself and be able to look into the mirror. SRS too, I don't want the genitals I have, they annoy me to no end, I hate being horny, I hate having to masturbate once a week to avoid cancer, i just want to be myself and not the guy I am trapped and haunted by. My stupid fucking computer is making noises that aren't normal, that'd be a funny one if it exploded, I'll have to look into it because it sounds like something is hitting one of the fans and it's driving me insane.

Tag 21, 31/07/2024

Guess who got to experience a body dysmorphic mini-crisis today! I was getting ready to shower and suddenly felt like putting on of my legs on top of my sink furniture thing. I was wearing an oversized t-shirt that usually covers my private area when standing and when my you know who popped out from beneath the shirt, hanging, it felt wrong, like it wasn't meant to be there. Then I got all stoic and my mind started racing with thoughts... It wasn't a good time but it was over quickly, lasted the better of 5 minutes... Got into the shower crying. After the shower was done (+arm & thigh shave that went horribly, no blood but no hair was cut either, I'm very bad at this), I decided to get rid of my growing moustache by using my dad's shaving cream and razor, up until today I've been using this electric razor but it doesn't do anything at all, after applying the cream (which made my skin itch) I got it off with the razor and a mere 7 seconds later my entire lower face was burning like it actually felt like it was on fire. Put some aloe vera crap on it and called it a day, now it only burns when I touch it... At least it got rid of the hair right? Wrong. it didn't do shit. So my day is now ruined and my family has guests over for lunch, fuck me.

I'm spending the first half of the evening looking up srs stories on reddit, I'm at a low point lol. People keep talking about stuff I don't even begin to understand, what the fuck is a "Improved Penile Inversion"?! What do you mean the color of your vagina changes depending on the operation!? What the fuck is a microbiome and how do I get one?! What's up with Prostregen and how is it different from Estrogen?! What is going on?! The internet truly has outdone itself today by answering me these questions... five. Though I still kinda don't get the color one like what?? I want to decide what kind of operation I want for the future, according to the law I could literally go to the government right now, without my parents' permission, change my legal gender and get free hrt (I think). But I can't, and I won't. It'd be stupid. I need to have a full month with no doubts to finally start deciding, all I can do right now is try my darnest to not change opinions for the 9921839234th time for 31 days and make plans for a future that I don't know if is going to happen or not. I need to look into it, I think I kind of know what I want out of SRS, mainly to get rid of my hotdog-shaped tumor, anything else is a plus though if I ever get to choose what surgery I get I guess I'll make sure it's the one with the shortest recovery that gives me a full "canal" as they call it, I'm not good being alone with myself as this blog has oh so clearly showed.

Tag 20, 30/07/2024

Salad days are so over bros. Me and my mom have spent the entire morning re-organizing my room and throwing out old stuff so we got to see a lot of pics of me as a kid and tbh I always looked kinda androgyneous, there's this one picture of me were I'm in front of my old school holding this fox plushie that opened my eyes specifically. It also made me realise something somewhat unrelated; "Damn I haven't ever been in love". Is it just me? Should I feel weird that at 16 years old I've never had a crush on anyone? At least not in the way people describe being in love I guess. Don't want to bring up the whole Natlie fiasco because that still boggles my mind at night and tbh that wasn't really a crush more like... admirant jealousy? hmmm I'm not asexual that's for sure, as yester-yesterday's dream clearly specified ( I drew that dream btw, pic will be uploaded in some time). Maybe aromantic?? Idek. Maybe I simply haven't seen anyone that met my weird and unknown biological whims, just seems weird because I've met so many women and even been with 3 before. I don't get it but honestly it doesn't worry me, I don't think love is needed to be counted as succesful in life, it's be nice for sure to have an equal to actually talk with but it ain't looking too hot rn. Talking about social things I'm worrying lately about the impression I'll give off at the first day of school coming up in september. What should I wear? More masculine cloathing? I look gay as fuck in the clothing I normally wear (nothing crazy, just very baggy shirts and short shorts), explains the weird encounter me and my friend had that one day a week back. My mom keeps quietly yapping about this whole "experiences" thing and honestly I hope I could bring the idea to fruition. She says I should at least fall in love once or something to tell for sure what I like or have an official girlfriend or boyfriend before deciding to transition and being franc I get it, trouble is getting a girlfriend or boyfriend. For starters, if it hasn't happened in 16 years I doubt it'll happen in 2 and also it isn't like I'm going to meet butt loads of women in the new school, it's a computer science """major""" and usually it's a pretty man-dominated field of study... Gives me more chances to find a guy I like I guess, then again 60% of the class is going to be redditors so I genuinely think I'm fucked unless I go to discos more often than now (which won't be hard seeing as I never go to discobars). idk there's a crisis to be had there but rn I'm too nostalgic to be sad sooooo

Tag 19, 28/07/2024

Back on track today/this morning. Had a dream that I have to say was weird even for dream standards ( it includes discussion of the sex so if u don't like that skip today's entry ;p ).

So I was in my room on top of my bed hanging out with this guy, don't know his name and don't remember him enough to describe him but I think he had brown hair (that's how bad my dream memory is), and then idk how it happened but then we did the thing, I started strokin' his shit and after a while even sucked it. So after like 4 minutes of that I heard my dad coming down the hallway so in order to hide the guy whose peen I was actively slurping I got up to close the door but when I turned around the guy was no longer there and my weird portable ac unit was missing a big chunk out the back, I checked my phone and saw that some random guy's name had sent me his location and then I woke up. Huh?? Le What ze Fuck? Glad to know I'm at the very least clear about this to myself ig. It was definetly weird though, I won't deny that. I didn't get a look at myself but from what I remember my hands were smaller and slimmer than usual so I *think* I was a girl in the dream. I think this dream does mean something, maybe it's just a reflection on how the only person keeping me inside the closet rn is my dad but idk I haven't had many "smart" dreams that were also wet dreams... This leads nicely into the problem I have with my sexual orientation: I don't know what the fuck is going on (shocker, I know). I frequently day dream about doing it as the girl in heterosexual sex stuff scenarios but I'm not gonna lie, I kinda like women still, but also I can't bear watching sex scenes in shows and movies n stuff... I definetly have bigger fish to fry but it's def gonna be an issue down the line.

Tag 18, 27/07/2024

Passing my life, living it out in her sight
Listening closely, hearing her mostly

Yesterday I did something a bit coocoo. I was sad as is usual this week and I decided to do something with my time and set my sights on a big ass hill there is on the other side of my city. I went to it via bike lanes because I don't want to get ran over and I actually got very close to topping the hill! Shit was steep and I didn't have to get off the bike at any point! (I wanted to though lol). This whole Bike n' Diet lifestyle truly is making me loose weight, some days the number on the scale changes and others my belly size changes. I don't know what it is I ate when I first started getting fat but I've always had boobs ever since I got big, when I still had a lot of belly too it wasn't that noticeable but now I'm damn near having a "slim" belly size and still have boobs, I'm not complaining! Makes me wonder though, I never ate an excess of the usual culprits of manboobs like fruit, tofu or garlic. The other day I was browsing the internet on my new phone that lets me hide my browses with Touch ID and I found out about this syndrome that some men have that due to having extra chromosomes or something it makes them have traditionally female features, it could add up. My hips are way too wide to be normal and my belly being narrow just makes it stand out that much more. I've always had very slim arms and wide thighs, also the boobs thing. It does make some sense. Of course I'm not diagnosing myself but if I was told tomorrow that I had it I wouldn't raise an eyebrow.

Mac DeMarco is truly the artist of the week, I've been listening to his Salad Days album non-stop for the entire week. My favourite songs are: Goodbye Weekend, Passing Out Pieces, Salad Days, Chamber of Reflection, Treat Her Better & Let Her Go. Passing out Pieces is also the brightest star in this bunch, I've listened to it around 40 times in 5 days between my phone and computer. I'll get it on vynil when I can afford something that's worth 20€, I'll see if I can find the CD so it's cheaper and actually uploadable to iTunes lol CD gang rise up!!

Tag 17, 26/07/2024

What mom don't know has taken its toll on me
It's all I've seen that can't be wiped clean
It's hard to believe what it's made of me

God when will this end? I've been sad for so long. I get small glimmers of joy sometimes, then they're taken away by worse news. Yesterday I was out with my childhood friend I talked about a couple blogs down, we couldn't hold a conversation. I don't even know why, we have similar interests and we've known eachother for years and years but the first hour of hanging out was so awkward it hurt to be there. How did I loose such a big friendship overnight? What's wrong with me? Eventually we started talking about politics and stuff, well, he talked about politics I nodded and threw in a couple questions every now and then. We were sat down at this bank thing near the local shopping center's entrance and 2 guys came up to us and asked if we were partners, that was VERY awkward, they told us they were asking because they were recording a video debating gay rights with gay people and stuff or something, wtf? I'm still confused about why they thought we were gay, for context my friend kinda looks like if eminem liked slipknot and I'm a tall cunt with medium hair (shoulder height for now). Anyways, later on a friend of his arrived, a lesbian girl, she was cool our sense of humor was on par. We ate some Japanese food and I left them to go home while they watched a movie in the theatre next-door. I was excited for this meetup you know? An hour before getting going I was dancing and singing "She Works Out Too Much" in front of the same monitor that now displays my sorrow. I feel bad for my friend for having to carry such an awkward moment, imagine knowing someone for a full 14 years and once you see them they don't know what to talk to you about... I hate talking about politics as well, I just kept it going to give off the impression of a conversation. We did talk about that show "The Boys" while getting coffee, he had all these theories and had read the comics and stuff, it was a bit overwhelming given that I'm the definition of a casual viewer but hey at least he got it off his chest, I could tell he didn't have anyone else to share that with. Off into the abyss I go again for a whole day, cya'll tomorrow.

Tag 16, 25/07/2024

I'm normal, mood wise. I'm neither happy nor sad, just reflective. Yesterday I got a new phone, my uncle's iPhone SE, it's an upgrade from the iPhone 5 that's for sure, I'm just scared I'll get addicted to my phone, the other day I spent 4 hours on my phone and the maximum amount of time I ever spent on my phone before this SE was like an hour and a half. More than that my brain is doubling down on the whole being an asshole thing because these sad days I've been having have been filled with doubt, an illness I already thought was cured from me, I keep seeing myself as a guy and it kills me, I wonder if it truly is the way to go to just wait a few years and see what happens. Today I was meant to meet with my mom to go to my aunt's barbershop because yesterday I wanted to cut my hair but I've changed my mind, my hair-length is good for me even if I don't transition, I look like a 7 year old shoulders up with short hair. It really sucks having this site be so anonymous, can't share pictures of my face even when my face is the biggest player in my dysphoria, some days I see it as indisputably female and some others as indisputably male. I don't have much of a defined jaw but my cheek bones give the illusion of one, I've also got that laugh line thing people are always yapping about, I think I got them for wearing tight glasses for 8 years. I use lenses now but I still have markings on my nose from those damned glasses.

I realised something just now, my dysphoria surfaced when I started my final year of """High School""", there was this one girl, Natalie, that I think revived my dysphoria by being everything I hoped to be. She was slim, tall but not too much, had my dream hair. I never got around to really knowing her, she was a friend of 2 of my best (only) friends but I could tell she was really shy so I didn't try to impose myself onto her life. Man, wtf is wrong with me. I realised this because I just remembered that a few months back, maybe in April, I started this sims 4 game where I tried making my dream self and the sim that ended up coming out of it was like Natalie but with my eyes and my fashion sense. I uhhh I think I'm very weird for this and I feel creeped out by myself, I need to think about this further. Did I just have a very weird autistic crush on her? Am I that stupid that I'd throw out my mental stability for a girl I never got around to knowing? Holy shit this is the peak of my dumbass arc.

Tag 15, 23/07/2024

Alright, I'm finally back to some sense of normality after yesterday's and yester-yesterday's sad season. I just woke up happier today, though nothing has changed. I hate mood swings like this, if it's a happy season I'm fine with it of course but when I happen to stumble into a deppressive week for no fucking reason I hate it and I think the sadnness is exacirbated by the fact that it doesn't make fucking sense. Oh well! Every human is a world or something... Been picking up Rain World again, that game calms me down so much with its beautiful ambiance and being honest it isn't that hard once you get a week or two into it. I also reinstalled fortnite for some unknown reason, I just fancied it one day and immediately regretted it because the game is still very unfair in the standard battle royale mode, zero build is slightly better but I only really enjoyed the reload thing they're doing, sad it's better experienced with friends and all my friends don't play fortnite anymore. More and more I find myself staring at my desktop not knowing what to play for some reason, it's like none of the games I've got reflect the chill mood I get most evenings. Yes minecraft is a chill game but I get bored of it rather quickly without multiplayer or complex mods due to having played it since like 2013, I've gotten everything out of minecraft I can and while the nether update made me start up my old worlds again no other update has done it since. Again I'm happy for absolutely no reason, the more I write the more I realise my life still sucks but hey! At least that one chemical in my brain is pumping up and down my veins!

Tag 14, 22/07/2024

Predictably after yesterday's rant things haven't gotten better. I finally got around to seeing the 4th season of the boys, that was a thing I did one night, binged the 8 whole hours of it until the sun came up. I'm itching for anything that'll make me feel better about this civil war I'm having internally. I went to bed yesterday with half of my brain theorizing the possible outcomes of the next season of the show and the other half beating itself up about not wanting to keep on playing dress up. I believe I was also inflicted a bunch of anti-trans stuff from that twitter beef with Ava Tyler, the mr beast partner. I suddenly see myself going towards 2 mutually exclusive goals, acceptance and sociability. I can't have friends irl until I'm able to connect with other lgbtq+ people for which I'll have to wait 2 years until I'm 18. I don't want to ruin the next 2 most promising years of my accademical AND professional career. I know I've beaten myself to a pulp about it but I can't shake off the feeling that keeping the mask on until it becomes my face is the better option. I don't even know if there is such a thing as a better option. My head hurts as I write this, probably just stress. Some months ago, around the end of 2023 I had very sharp headaches in the back and sides of my head, it also happens to be around the time my trans thoughts began to officially surface. I'm at a loss, everything I've ever loved could be gone in the snap of a finger and a signature on a paper done with a pen resting on my right hand. I hate feeling this way and I hope I could be a woman, but I can't, I can only be a trans woman, and even though it is similar it will never be the same to the dismay of everyone who has tried, myself included. It's not about fertility, the whole children fiasco was a mere crisis in the crescendo of a low point in my morale. What it is about is using the only life I will ever get correctly. For some reason I was born male and I can't ever change that, I wish I could but I can't, no amount of chemicals or surgeries will help with that and I've known that for long enough to let it sink in too deep. My life is limited, why should I spend it chasing hormonal dreams instead of striving to create a new one for someone? I feel selfish thinking about transitioning. For fuck's sake who am I kidding? Who am I trying to convince? No one reads this but me everytime I have to write about my insignificant troubles in a world filled with 8 billion other schmucks. Why should anyone even give a fuck? I hate this, I hate everything about this, not enough to do something about it though. Like I've always done I'll let it blow over and if it doesn't, too bad! Next month I'll try again to not do anything and see what happens. Everything I've ever known, everything I've ever been taught, it all converges into this thing I call "me" and even though I can try to change it there is no exit in the room of life, only a hole in the floor for the few people who can't bear the writing on the walls.

I know this all sounds like a suicide letter but I'm not low enough to even consider such an option, if it can be called that. I just need a break, I need a break from myself.

Tag 13, 21/07/2024

Ngl I'm not that happy right now, I fear for the future even though I know it's going to be better. Once September hits and I actually go to this new specialised school thing I'm going to do unbeleivably well academically but my concern is with the social aspect of this frankly huge change. I fear that I'll trap myself into meaningless shallow relationships again like I did 4 years ago when I started High School, I haven't had a friend I could be myself fully with since birth. The closest I've got is a guy 2 years older than me that I see every time I go to my home town and even then, even with him knowing me inside out, I don't feel like I relate to him at all, it feels as if I can't really communicate my feelings to him and I'm starting to think that I'm the problem. Maybe it relates to being trans in some bizarre way, maybe it happens because I try having """femenine""" relationships with guys, can that even be possible? Am I assuming too much by saying that girls have better friendships in this sense? I don't know, but I know it's been killing me for a while. I feel disinterested in love for similar reasons, every partner I've had has been just a friendship with a different name. There is this one girl that I still don't know what she wants, I met her in middle school when we were like 10 years old, we fell apart due to her moving schools 2 years later but then she contacted me around a year ago. One of the first things she asked me over the phone was if I was single and I still ponder about that to this day, she sometimes teases me but then she throws bombshells like the one time she said she never wanted to be with anyone ever. I'm too autistic to play these games and tho she asks me to go out walking with her every now and then it feels more like an errand because she is such a painfully boring person to talk to, everything I tell her she tries to 1up and I hate it, it makes my blood boil. I know I should cut ties with her but I simply can't bring myself to do it for some unknown reason, I'm not even attracted to her physically. This has been my biggest problem by far, it's like I put on a mask everytime I have to interact with someone that isn't my mom or psychologist, I act out this character I've built of what I should be, this funny, kind & vengeful guy, but I'm not that guy, he is undoubtedly a part of me but he's the tip of the iceberg. It feels like I limit myself to this character for no reason but to make it easier for people to like me, even though they don't know know me. I don't know why I do it but it's everything I've ever known, it's been the lifeblood of my inner push to accept my life as a trans person, I long for a blank slate, for a reset, for a chance to destroy this guy once and for all and put myself out there, not him.

Sorry if this got sad but this is what keeps me up at night and venting is all I've got left to quench this thirst my brain has to feel understood.

Tag 12, 18/07/2024

Back to normal. Chilling in my den listening to day tripper by you know who. Took a day off the internet. As I mentioned on my Spacehey I've been having troubles with my shaving endeavours recently, mainly that I shaved my thighs and now there's red dots in my left one that hurt when touched, also I tried to shave my posterior and now it sticks to my pants (somehow) and I hate it! Riding my bike yesterday was a nightmare due to it. If any readers here shave please tell me what the fuck is going on, please! More details in the Spacehey for all you good samaritans out there. Fuck I forgot how good some of the beatles' songs really are... I've got this small 8 song playlist that is just the best: Strawberry Fields Forever, Nowhere Man, Day Tripper, I Am The Walrus, Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, I'm Looking Through You, Norwegian Wood & Back In The U.S.S.R. What a good combo... I use it a lot when on my "once a month dysphoric sims 4" sessions, specially I Am The Walrus literally sounds like the sims 4 soundtrack at one point with the violins and stuff. I am very bored, that's why I'm writing, also to let you guys know I'm back to bored and no longer sad and bored!

Tag 11, 16/07/2024

Warnings: very brief mention of suicide (don't worry, I'm fine, it was just a point), mostly just doubts. This is a sad one folks

After yesterday's outrageously happy day I was due for sadness. Yesterday night, while lying on my bed to sleep, a process that takes me like an hour, I remembered that very small (big) thing that was holding me back for the longest time, that made me weary of the whole trans thing, I want to have kids! And it came to me like a wretched epiphany, at 2:11am, on a monday. Fuck me, fuck my brain and fuck my life... So now I'm faced with a decision, what will I sacrifice? Mental stability or (maybe) having kids in the future? This sucks because if I go for the former (transitioning), yes, I'll be happy and yeah, I could adopt a kid but it isn't the same from where I stand, if I were infertile for whatever reason I would probably be on hrt already, moreover I feel selfish choosing my own mental wellbeing over my possible future children... Then again, if I don't transition I'll either not meet anyone due to my bad case of the 'auts or straight up kill myself before anything gets to happen, I've seen the fucking statistics, I've been severely deppressed before due to loneliness. My thoughts on my own image weigh too much for my neck to bare and unless I free them by folding to their demands I'm cooked. My mom has made a central point that I think has played into me getting this exact thought, she thinks I should have "experiences" before doing anything drastic, experiences like love and stuff with women as a man, while I see her point I'm not one to rely on love, at least right now, besides it's not like I want to experience everything heterosexualism has to offer and it's not like I made the decision to have trans thoughts, I barely understand what brought me here in the first place, all I know is I want to be a woman, and when I pretend to be one I feel better than ever before, better than with any of the 3 girlfriends I've had, better than when I abuse my anatomy to give myself momentary pleasure, so I think it's about time I stop pretending to be a woman in favour of actually being one, if the people around me don't understand this then they don't understand me. Fuck...

Tag 10.5, 15/07/2024

OMG GUYSSS HUGEEE NEEWWWWSSSS!!!! I got accepted into my dream school!!! Idk how to translate it into American school system but basically once you are 16 you finish "High School" and go into a more specialised thingy for 2 years if you don't do a different specialised thingy which is 3 years. Anyways... LETSSS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Today is just the gift that keeps on giving it seems. After leaving behind the mountain biking idea because I would not have made it home in time (I left at 17 and it takes me an hour to get to the mountain, I don't have lights on the bike so night is death for me). So I stayed back, went to the centre, did some window snooping in some cool record and goth clothing shops (too damn expensive!!), then, after eating a salmon sandwich like it was my first meal in years, I sailed onwards, in my home's direction. Stopped at the local shopping centre to snoop around the sales section of everything when I finally mustered the courage to wander away from the men's t-shirt section and found this very cute skirt for 12.99€ that I loved so much. Pondered around the store looking like a doofus, a girl, but a doofus, and finally decided to buy it!! My legs were shaking the entirety of the queue to pay and even afterwards, I'm so happy though, it was a very bad day to forget to shave my moustache but I think I passed, I didn't speak to the register lady I just nodded twice and handed her the measley collection of 2€ coins I had to pay with. I'll post pics someday (already did, see them here. Sorry for bad quality, I have an iPhone 5 lol), if I get caught with the skirt on by anyone but my mom I'm screwed lol, no amount of "I was roleplaying the Scottish" will get me out of this one... I'm so happy!!!! This day began so damn badly but I got it out of my system very quickly.

Tag 10, 15/07/2024

Friday Girl, get better soon! This is probably not the best outlet but just know I'm with you! This is a specially sad post soooo

I'm no longer happy for some reason... I've caught the sads. Ever since yesterday I've been feeling less and less trust on my appearance and the thought that I may have to wait until 2025 to transition is eating me up inside. I feel dread for what I might be getting myself into and these "seasons" of not feeling that trans at all scare me shitless because if after I transition they stay I will never be able to find peace within myself, and finding peace is what this whole thing has been about. I've stopped practicing guitar, acoustic at least, I don't have the will to push a boulder that is rolling down. Weight loss has been stagnant for a week or so and even then I haven't felt slimmer at all at any point of this process. It's a pickle for sure, not even my online life is entertaining anymore; I can't find good servers on any online game, the days of me having the attention span to play minecraft singleplayer are long gone, discord is a shithole that I wish I could delete, Team fortress 2 has been lethally dull for years, I can't bring myself to play with Fruity Loops anymore, none of my irl friends play online games except for Brawl stars and that one war simulator that is sponsored on youtube all the time, I don't get it, I can't get a kick out of the things that used to make me up. And I've tried sayin "puberty" and shrugging but that isn't who I am, I care about the things I'm losing and I'm not happy about it.

After a (very much not) quick shower I'm feeling better, I shaved my legs to the best of my ability but unfortunately I cut more flesh than hair I'm afraid, some parts are soooo smooth tho I love not having hair, doing this I accidentally uncovered a scar from before the pandemic, I was at my town biking with a childhood friend and I went too fast, leg slipped, chain/gear of the bike put like 6 holes in the back of my leg, still there! They must've been deep for them to still exist today, I actually thought they were gone but I guess not. Anyways, to cheer myself up further I'm gonna take a train to the mountains today, bike there for a while. There's a nice trail that follows the mountain's profile for some kilometers, I think I'll bike that. I really like going biking, it's the only joy I've got this summer for some bizarre reason, when I'm down or just bored I go to the kitchen, make myself a sandwich and a coffee, put the brown liquid in a termo, and just go in one direction and see where I'll end up. It's very cool and you, the reader, ought to try it some day it's rather liberating, feels me with a feeling of freedom, also helps with my weight loss thing because even though I haven't had anything with sugar on it for a month and a half I doubt I would've lost 12kg without my crappy second-hand bike.

Tag 9, 13/07/2024

Finally got my dysphoric, bad, career-crippling drawings and put them on here. There isn't anything else to talk about so far today so I'm going to talk about how proud of myself I am for figuring out the drawings page on my own! No tutorials!! First time I ever do that, was about time, I've been making websites since like 2019... This is actually the first website I have that is ""good"", being stylized breeds wonders. I have to say the drawings will probably not make sense to anyone but me but hey, there ya go! That's my goal when I get my shit together and come out for real... Also you can definetly tell I was way more bored and way more dysphoric while making the first one, as I say in the second one (in german), the first one felt more like me dreaming and the second one was me trying out my drawing skills (which shine inspite of their absence!). In case you missed the landing page's link, click here to see the lackluster """art""" page!

Tag 8, 12/07/2024

Guten tag!! Today I'm happy once more again, MGMT's music is hyping me up like no other artist has before and I'm ALL for it, also the fact I was she/her'd yesterday!! So I was biking in the outskirts, near the beach because even though I don't like it cuz 'yuck, sand' it's pretty, and at this crossroads for normal vehicles and bikes alike there was a woman waiting to cross on bike with her kid (who had a seperate bike), and she told her kid when I was going to cross "Let this girl cross first" but in my native tongue. It made me so happy!! I'm a natural!!! I already kinda knew that I passed if I just didn't speak because I went on an Omegle revival thing like a week ago and most people believed me when I said I was a woman, 2 even pulled out their millimeter defeaters! I love experiences like this idk why, passing is just so invigorating!! (idk if I'm using that word correctly but I'm too lazy to look up what it means ;p )

Anyways, since I don't know what to talk about I'll tell you guys about yesterday night. I was very bored, already in my bed and couldn't fall asleep so I pulled out me old handy! Started looking up stuff like Trans laws and stuff where I live and also hrt proceedings as well as vaginoplasty and stuff and holy mother of god did any of you know a vaginoplasty is like 20k euros!?!? I get it's a very complicated procedure and takes like 6 hours to finish but for crying out loud I haven't had that much money since I've been alive!!! idk how much money people make but I assume that's like a bit over what people have in their SAVINGS account... I doubt most people make even 20k a year like???? *clueless*

Also, in a bit (maybe a day or 2 actually) I'll upload some drawings I've been making, I commented it on my profile I think. I'm not even good at drawing, haven't done it seriously since like 2019. For me to upload the drawings I'll have to wait till I get unrestricted acces to the copy machine, meaning that my dad has to be out of the house (which he almost never is, mf hasn't worked since 2003)... He's also quitting smoking this monday (today is friday) so if he catches me it's very much joever because he'll be very unagreeable for MONTHS

Tag 7.5, 10/07/2024

Fucking nevermind then... The meeting is changed to next tuesday, and with that revelation away went my happines...

Tag 7, 10/07/2024

Up early for once!!! Finally broke the cycle and made myself a guacamole grilled cheese (it's good I swear) at 9am. I had to get up early because today's that meeting with that older trans person I talked about, we still don't rlly know how we're gonna explain it to my dad cuz... yk... he doesn't know yet. One idea is to tell him we're going to a hair saloon very far away from town, something we sometimes do. Yesterday I went on a very big drive around town with my bike and my legs still shapeshift into jello when I try to stand up lol, I hope it's temporary I have to walk to where the meeting is and it's not exactly in the backyard I don't have. I visited this little narrow street with tons of small lil shops, mostly clothes n stuff but I did see 1 skate shop and it kinda lit something in me, ik boards are expensive as fuck (for me, I run on the budget of a grilled cheese) but I've always been kinda interested in skating, plus my city and greater area are littered with skate parks, my city's administration got really into it back in the 2000's and most of them are empty, aside from the main one at the beach. Will have to wait till christmas but it could be fun starting something new and challenging! Though I kinda already have a lot on my plate, I recently started my whole bike everyday thing, my whole learning guitar thing and my whole no sugar thing so I already have a lot of 'things' to watch out for and already every evening I have a small civil war about wether to bike, practice guitar or play tf2 (tf2 almost always wins, I just got this new steel brushed shotgun off scrap.tf and it's so cool looking!!). I'm happy if you couldn't tell, it's one of those rare (not really) days were I woke up with a smile on my face. I know this blog can get VERY sad sometimes but days like today are so fun! I can do anything and keep my smile for some reason, I guess I am getting thinner, that cheers me up everytime I put myself on the scale, in like 4 weeks I went from 110kg to the 97kg of today and even though I'm shooting for ~85kg I'm very proud of myself for once, something that's been troubling me is that I genuinely cannot see my progress in mirrors n stuff, I just don't look thinner to myself for whatever twisted game my eyeballs are playing but everyone says I look thinner so they must be right! I'll probably write a 7.5 entry later today to unpack what transpired in the meeting, I'll see y'all then!

Tag 6, 09/07/2024

Today I slept 12 hours for some reason, went to sleep at 2am (early for me) thinking I'd wake up at 8am, put an alarm up and everything but I was woken up at 2pm by mom to call me in to eat lunch... I don't know what it is that I did to warrant such a needlessly long sleep but I guess I'll put it to good use today, I want to ride my bike around, maybe find a good park to eat a sandwich in, I've got to leave my house at 5:30pm because the company that made my bed (that has been broken for months, I've been sleeping on the floor since like April) is sending 2 guys over to repair it so I can finally sleep elevated from the ground! That's progress I think! Anyway, idk where to go my city isn't that big but I bet I can go to the outskirts and enjoy some grass for a change.

Anyways I wanted to tell you guys about yet another creative endeavour I went on yesterday night! For some reason I get creative when dysphoric and so I borrowed my sister's acoustic guitar and tried to make a song! I'll figure out the lyrics when I've practiced the melody to the point where I don't choke it everytime I repeat it twice. The working title is "Why can't more people have miopia?", I'll give you guys a taste and the tabs when I've got more than the intro set in stone! I love making album covers so I'll cook something up in that department as well, don't know if I should use my white on black background style for it tho, I don't use colours for a reason lol I hate having to colour in drawings and drawing with colours makes me extremely anxious because I never pick the right colour, oh well! I guess I'm getting better mentally, I've been very active lately and I hope it doesn't change, I'm going out to my mom's town (very small medieval village) and we've planned to remodel this little fallen down stone hut in my uncle's property, we plan to turn it into a small cabin one can go to in order to relax or write or stuff, it's a very sound idea and I think we can do it! We've got all of August after all, that's when she's got vacation.

Tag 5, 08/07/2024

I was born stupid apparently... I've been on and off trying to go to shops and buy myself female clothes but I just can't enter the shops alone for some reason it really bugs me, like something in me is forcing me back. This has been specially present today, I had some very scarce pocket money to spare (< 20€ go figure...) and I remembered that some days back I had gone to this shop with my mother and sister where they sold a blue and white skirt I quietly liked that was on sale, I got my shitty folding bike out to the streets and in the blazing hot summer morning went to the small mall near my house, got to the shop, stared at the skirt from the window and... walked away! Then I got back on my bike to a titanic-sized thrift "store" (more like bartering floor) and bought an old shitty iPod for 10 bucks only to get its hard drive into my less old shitty iPod... What the fuck is wrong with me?? No like, seriously what the fuck was that, I've been saving up for so long to have 20 bucks and I blow half of it on an iPod I'm only going to use 1 part of?? Come on brain, you know better...

Tag 4, 03/07/2024

Guess who's back from a trip! I have a LOT to say about what happened during this trip... Me and my dad clashed a bit because I just don't enjoy going on sidequests with him like I did before and my trans thoughts went HAM after 2 dreams I had, one of them lucid. I also did a thing that I won't go into too much detail about but it was a proof of concept for future 'relations' if you catch my drift, I won't say it directly cuz my psychologist knows of this blog and it's gonna be weird seeing him in 2 weeks with this in mind :/ . Anyways back on track; It was booooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinggggggg asss I basically just sat in my dad's uncomfortable ass land rover and watched plains go by through a square window for a week, we did go to some natural parks but aside from the pictures I got nothing was too breath-taking not to talk about. I feel like I've lost myself because I used to LOVE just being sat in a car and going on random adventures with my dad but I guess I've grown out of it unfortunately I would've loved to enjoy it, woulda made the whole coming out part a hell of a lot easier...
My psychologist (which I saw today) told me to follow an advice my mom gave me while this trip was going on, it was to wait until puberty had settled because I could end up regretting everything if I changed my life forever due to teenage angst and shit, while it makes sense I still kinda wanna do it this summer or next summer, I want to enjoy my early adulthood because my teens have been severely ruined by none other than myself...

Tag 3.5, 21/06/2024

So I confesed my feelings to my mom like an hour ago. She took it well, I had previously hinted at it. Though she supports me and will do so forever she advised me not to be too hasty, she also presented me with the option to meet up with an older trans person she knows from a podcast (or something idk) she did a year or 2 ago. Of course it wasn't my intention to just rush to the hospital and get the oh-so-mighty 'HRT', part of me wants to wait until my next psychologist appointment since last I saw of him was in april (he took ""maternity"" leave, guess why), I think he can give me a more technical explanation though I look forward more to meeting an actual trans person. Also I've been practicing my femenine voice for a while and found out I already kinda had it in me, I was THE de-facto squeeker of the school until 2 years ago, I just have to practice it cuz everytime I try it and speak for like 20 mins I can't hit ANY high pitched notes or voices at all and I have to talk all deep (yuck). I guess that concludes the 'idek' saga! Let's goooooo!!!

Tag 3, 21/06/2024

Not related but heads up: this probably won't be daily forever, in fact I'm going on vacation in like 3 days so don't expect much communication until like the 3rd or 4th of July...

Anyways, had my graduation yesterday night, it could've been better, some damned group of kids tried playing the fascist party's anthem on the loudspeaker, overall it was nice though, I got to see some of my favourite teachers and take one last picture with them. Grades were bad, of course they were, but I don't give too much of a damn, I got off with a 6.3/10 average on the last 2 years of career while only really doing the easy tasks and paying 20 mins of attention in class, I guess I've got a special "get out of fucking up the exam" free card in me somewhere because there is no usual explanation for me passing. Of course there were some classes I actually got involved in; German, English and Technology to name them all... Before going to the graduation ceremony yesterday I took one of my sister's weird blade things and used it to shave my armpits, hair got very annoying in there and actually hurt when applying spray-dehodorant, it felt very good actually, so much so I started shaving the entirety of my body with the blade, don't worry for yucky shit I cleaned and labeled it so no one else would use it, told my mom the "hurts" excuse to get out of an awkward conversation with my parents. This experience opened the door for me wanting to buy female clothes, I don't know when or how to do it though, I could go in and just buy it as a gift for my sister or something...? Idrk, if you're wondering why I don't just lend myself my mom's or sister's clothes its because I don't fit in them... I'm 6"1' (187cm) by some wicked chance of god and weigh ~98kg, depending on the shop an XL is too small for me. This height and weight shit was actually the biggest thing holding me back at the start, unless I dress like a "goth dommy mommy" I worry for my chances of passing, not for face features (which I actually have pretty femenine ones when I think about it) or other distinctive body parts (I have wide hips and a narrow belly ffs) just by my one unchangeable attribute which many guys would give up everything to have... So I don't know what to do! Another blog post that ends in 'I don't fucking know what imma do!'

Tag 2, 20/06/2024

Sooooo I just got finished with my very last class of my very last year of mandatory school... It isn't as liberating as I thought, actually. If anything I feel like I'm before a crossroads of sorts. I can't put my finger on it but you can colour me unsettled, it really is just a bad omen of things to come. I'm not exactly scared of carrying on past summer, I've got bigger fish to fry; I'm moving to my field of expertise and I have long foretold a significant academic improvement to happen once I'm where I was meant to be, I am autistic after all and I can't deny that. Then again if some things are set in stone why must some others wander on coarse dirt? Why must I torture myself with thoughts of not being myself? Answers never to be given I guess... For the last couple weeks, ever since I heard that one person's trans story I feel like I belong there, their story is my present. I've always dabbled in this world, knowingly or otherwise, as a kid even with short hair I was often missgendered, my mannerisms were always looked upon with weirdness in primary school, the others saw something off about them though none told me what it exactly was they saw. At the end of 2023's summer I was at a low point and didn't care to cut my hair, I let it grow for a long time, down to my shoulders, and it felt right in a weird spiritual way? I don't know exactly what it is that compelled me to keep it as a style choice but my mom said it looked good on me so I just used that as 'the excuse' from then on. I'm on the verge of honouring my word and doing something drastic, though I can't find the moment to tell my 1 supporter, my mom, to go to the doctor and see if its possible... I think I would look good and pass after transitioning, hell some people missgender me to this day in spite of my damn body hair that just grows everywhere. I don't know... like always!

Tag 1, 19/06/2024

For some context; I am just a human being who is oversharing on the internet behind a supposedly opaque mask, I really do just want to get this out of my system.

In or around November of 2023 I started having thoughts on transitioning to female, I started a diary and everything to keep track of it but it didn't really go anywhere, up until February all I wrote was what I felt like that day it was a constant tug-of-war between "yeah it's rad and will make me happy" and "it'll ruin the small social life I have and my future", so it didn't help at all! Then in February I told my psychologist about it all but told him I didn't think trans-ing was an option at all as some days prior I had made a pro/con list to see exactly how it could go but I rigged it in favour of the cons because, again, 'ThAt'S wHaT i FeLt LiKe DoInG'. Now it's June and way back at the beggining I promised myself I'd do something drastic before summer break because if I went the trans route it'd give me time to prepare for a new school (I finish highschool* tomorrow) in the form of some time on HRT... "IT'S JUNE ALREADY AND I'M BACK AT THE START! Isn't that just swell!" I thought 5 days ago...

*my country's equivalent of highschool