"Gott mit Niemandem"
Tag 51, 19/09/2024
I've been feeling good about my passability lately, I really wanted to avoid talking in school just so coming out would be easier and I could use my female voice to practice it. I obviously dropped that as soon as I realised I couldn't fuck this year of school up under any circumstances, it'll be hard because I want to wear female clothes asap, might be a long time until I wear them in school tho. The social situation is looking good but every day that passes I feel like I'm digging my own grave deeper and deeper, making the same mistakes I swore not to. Had programming class today and the teacher is cool, he's a down to earth guy but he's super into group things so I hate him by default as a teacher, I have the get-outta-jail-free card but I don't want to use it right away, I want favourable scores on everything he throws at me, after this course is over in 2 years or so I'll need at minimum an 8.5 to go to the next step which is pretty much needed for any decent job. If I come out before christmas I think it'd be nice to polish this plan I've had in the works for a bit (I just came up with it). I think after these 2 years I'll take a gap year to really hammer the transition home, I'll be 18, with a diploma, probably good notes and a shit ton of estrogen. I think it'd be nice to take a year, maybe work all year and get a basic house or something out in the edges of the city where it's affordable, after coming out I doubt my dad will be a treat to be around, I'm open to the idea of him being supportive still, I just don't see it. I want to live by myself, I want to decorate my own house, have a proper living space, wear whatever the fuck I feel like wearing. I feel kinda trapped in my neighbourhood, everyone knows me but I don't know any of them (long stories short; My mom has been the only baker here for 40 years and so knows almost everyone, so they know her and met me when I was little), going outside with my female clothes was scary because of that, I made sure to go out on a work night in the middle of August so everyone was either sleeping or out on a trip. I'm not afraid to meet strangers in girl mode, I'm afraid someone will recognise me, wrecking both of my parents' social circles in a week. God I just want to live my life, work for 8 hours and play guitar while at home, maybe make another website.
Tag 50, 17/09/2024
Today marks the 50th day I've spent venting on an "anonymous" site to strangers on the internet. Not going to "celebrate" it, it's pretty sad. As you can probably tell I'm not particularly happy today. I was, in school, what the fuck is wrong with me do I WANT to go to school? I guess when you study things you slightly care about you start wanting to study them... Anyways, social situation, talked today with the Mark guy I talked about, he's chill as can be, he smokes, dunno if cigs or other stuff, it doesn't bother me cuz since we're in class he doesn't smoke close enough for me to cough at the smoke, we talked about my laptop, said he used to have one exactly like it when he was younger, played cs on it. He also opened the conversation by saying how everyone except him has something cool they know how to do (I was modeling a napoleonic rifle in blender out of boredom) then he went on to say he knew how to do something I don't know how to do (the whole convo was a bit awkward). I think I can click with this guy but at the same time he's "popular" and he did do stuff just to get a laugh out of the more simple people in the room, mainly just insults and gestures while on some chat roulette thing when the teacher was away. I feel like I could be friends with him? I don't really know, he likes some of the music I like I guess, he dresses in his own style which is a breath of fresh air believe it or not, I feel like behind the class clown there's a cool guy somewhere and I'd like to meet him but I don't know if I'll have the patience to while going through hrt in a couple of months (or hopefully weeks, we'll see). I just want something to do, I feel like I should get a job for the evenings or something, I'd have to bottle up my shit and not dump it here because I doubt I would have the time but I'd accept that, I still have the weekends, besides making money is the biggest upside an activity could have. urghhh
Tag 49, 16/09/2024
First day of school over with and I'm proud to say that it went exactly like I expected it to; I got a 100 on every single activity we did and while I would've liked to not talk to anyone I had to because group activites and those idiotic "get to know eachother" things, it was fine though, autopilot got it done. There was this one guy that stood out to me let's call him Mark, he was unique, he had his own kinda style with how he clothed and stuff, he also said he liked music I also kind of like (no Mac DeMarco sadly, just rock bands n stuff). All in all I hope I would've interacted with him a bit more, he's also funny from what I can gather. I have to say today was kind of sad for the teachers, literally no one but Mark and 3 dudes that repeated the course were talking, she didn't ask me directly much because she knows I'm autistic but hey I answered the 2 things she asked me so I could at least get some kind of ball rolling. Also I found out there's a trans teacher, I don't think I have her in any of my classes, then again I've only done 3 and there are a lot more than 3. I'll see how it works out but for now school's looking good! I'm hopeful I can find a job or something to bring some money home, after transitioning I'll have to buy a lotta clothes, I've only got 2 skirts and 1 top I currently can't put on because it looks bad on fat people, I'll try it when my belly is worth showing lol, it's cool so I didn't return it. Man I can't wait to go buy clothes for myself.
Tag 48, 15/09/2024
Here's a thought: what will I do with this site once I'm fully transitioned? It's not like my life will be interesting afterwards, at least I hope it isn't. My plan for adulthood is very unorthodox, so much so I'd say I don't have one. My dream is to spend my early 20's working in IT or whatever and every once in a while going out on lil' trips around the countryside with an old volkswagen or something, I love 80's cars. It's a dream I think originates from what my parents were doing in their 30's, going out to the other side of the country to dick around and go to clubs n stuff far from home, my dad (if he's saying the truth which is hard from my dad) has built like 7 software companies in his life, they worked until they didn't but man did they make money when they worked, my parents used to be pretty well off, not rich or anything but in the 90's they could've bought 3 houses had they seen a need, unfortunately for me they didn't and stuck with a house my mom's mom (she died a long time ago) bought for them, my dad hasn't worked since like 2002 due to physical inability (he had a heart attack and got given indefinite subsidies for it were he not to work), my mom's always worked the same exact job at the same exact company making bread (literally). God if they had just saved up money... I'll stop venting. Anyway, adulthood, right, I just hope to have a fun life, I've spent my first 16 years on this earth doing absolutely nothing but becoming worse and worse at school and socialising. I used to be the gifted kid and last year I BARELY got out of high school. And now this whole trans thing man I feel like I just can't catch a fucking break from myself, not even sleeping is good for me because I inherited some degree of insomnia from my dad so for me sleeping is more like laying down doing nothing for hours while my mind is having an existential crisis I have to try my best to completely ignore, every single fucking night. I hate it. Back on topic though; I think I'll ditch this site once I'm done with my transition or hell even just hrt, I like to think my mental health will improve considerably enough to ditch this outlet of teenage angst and brainfuckery. I hope I could delete this site entirely, I don't think I'll want to re-visit it in my 20's and certainly not in my 30's, I hope I'll have found SOMEONE by then. Ughh not even my escape from real life is fun or happy how did it come to this?
Tag 47, 14/09/2024
Saturday, aye? It's finally cold (14ºc) where I live, it's very much good, it kinda stinks because my fingers are hurt way more when I play guitar but it's fine I'll get over it. Sad this coldness only lasts until like 11am, I'd love to wear hoodies outside already. Yesterday I spent my evening installing and configuring linux mint on my old cheap og laptop (it was my first computer, back in 2019). It's a cheapington asus that my dad got just so I would shut up about wanting a computer, being 11 I was over the moon with it, made some basic ass unity games there, learned my first smudge of html, some c# (idk shit about c# nowadays), did basic animations with flash and stuff it was a fun time, when I got my current computer (ultra-mega pc tower with 3060ti and i7 something) it was relegated to the death drawer until my mom asked for it to do uni stuff (long story) and since she finished her course and didn't wanna do anything else I got it back 2 days ago, windows made the computer slow as fuck so linux it was, I've only ever used ubuntu up to this point but I've heard they've gone downhill so I installed the best similar thing: Mint. It runs like a charm ngl, it does blender modeling good (we don't talk about rendering), it runs gimp, it can access the school network, the whole 9 yards! it's not like I'll be using it heaps anyway, it's mostly just to make libreoffice documents and fuck about with some programs that simulate networks or whatever, 3d modeling is going to be 2 classes at best and canva is good for anything the marketing class will throw at me. God this year is going to be so underwhelming, I feel like I should do everything super perfect (which'll be easy seeing as I already know most of what they're going to teach) so they promote me next year to some higher class or something idk if that happens in my country like it happens in american movies...
Tag 46, 13/09/2024
So today I had a very brief interview one on one with who will be my main teacher for the rest of the school year, I'd say it went well. She asked me about how much I knew about some stuff and my hobbies I told her I've got an english c1 degree (believe it or not from this site's grammar lol) and that I make silly websites on my free time. She also asked me if I had any illnesses or whatever I told her I had aspergers and we chatted a bit about it, she told me I'd reserve the right to do any group activity by myself (god send) at any moment with any teacher. So it went very well. She'll have to confirm my autism diagnosis by asking my parents and stuff. I'm excited to start going to class, man. I feel like it'll give me something fun to do every day that isn't too challenging, let's be honest, I feel like they won't teach me anything new at all; I've built and repaired old and new computers before, I maintain a website as a hobby, I've made simple games with unity before, I know python... Keep in mind the highest level of thing we'll do is like basic html, no actual programming, also marketing and stuff but I'm pretty good at that too I'm a rather creative person. Aight I should stop I've been kissing my own ass for a whole paragraph, bye until something happens in my life!
Music highlights:
- ΔΙAΨΕYΣH TOU APIΣTOTEΛH | Joe Hawley Joe Hawley | Joe Hawley
Tag 45.5 , 12/09/2024
Completely forgot about this and had it brain blasted into memory just now: my mom let my dad know about the hormone test thing, also the klinefelter syndrome suspicion. He allegedly got pretty defensive about it, reminiscent of the time he first learnt I had been diagnosed with autism, mom says that she got a good feeling out of it though, I'll have to trust her to sleep sound at night. He's been real warm to me these past 2 days, I've only seen him smile when he's looking at me and I don't really know what to make of it, maybe he's trying to comfort me before I get diagnosed because he thinks it's bad? I don't really know and I'm not really good at reading people anyways. I guess I'll find out sooner rather than later, I'll have to come out at some point. I wonder if I should mention this whole thing to my teacher tomorrow in the interview, it'd be nice to have someone call me by my pronouns every day, it's too big of an ask for my mom and sister rn (I think), also would be good in case of bullying but I doubt any kind of bullying will go on at this school, it's all very bussines-centric, discipline seems to be enforced rather well or at least that's what I've gathered. Why can't they just do normal classes right away?! Why must I go through 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation with someone I don't know just because they're going to be teaching me 5 days a week for the following 7 months... I just wanna go in, do my job, go out, why can't I??
Tag 45, 12/09/2024
"How was my first day of school?" you may ask... I don't know. I went there at like 8 (they told us to do so back in june), asked around the entire building (the school isn't the entire building, some of it is offices and stuff) disturbing many peoples' work days only to find out we were meant to come at 10, they apparently posted it on their site (which no one thought to look at) but didn't send us an e-mail. Waited 2 hours in a random park nearby listening to lovejoy on my iPod like the nostalgic I am, ate the sandwich I prepared (guacamole with york ham, it's unorthodox but it tastes yummy) and finally went into the building for the presentation. The presentation itself was fine it was the usual "here's the name of the thing you just signed up for, here's your teacher, fuck off with whoever leads you now" but to be honest I wasn't listening because there was this guy in the direction team or whatever that looked so much like saul from breaking bad, it was uncanny dude! Anyways, I got with my group without making a single human connection, went up a thousand stairs to reach the classroom, got another presentation, by the teacher this time, usual rule explanation stuff and how we could get a lended computer (european stuff). Boring as fuck. Tomorrow I have to go back there for 10 minutes at like 1 pm to have a 1 on 1 interview with the teacher and then leave again, so no actual classes till monday I guess. It issss what it issss. At least nothing disastrous happened, oh wait it did! Some mf from my old & old old class (I've known this guy for 9 years somehow) was there and I just know he's going to cling onto me when he doesn't get any friends, he is the most boring human alive on planet earth and the stupidest at the same time, he can't multiply numbers bigger than 6 and his only passion in life is Brawl Stars... I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being mean to him (I am) but I just genuinely hate him.
Tag 44, 11/09/2024
Last day of summer break anyone? God I don't know what to do to prepare myself for school tomorrow... It's like I wanna go but at the same time I'm scared to go. Whatever, I'll end up going and meeting someone to talk to that's how humans work... right? I'd rather talk about other stuff I'm interested in: I'm making music! The other day I was just playing the guitar and found a cool position I could strum into a song, so I did! Made a riff for it and everything, I just gotta wait till later so my sister doesn't complain about the noise and record it! I'll show it to you guys when it's done but I also made a lil track that'll be like the b-side song for the single (because singles are meant to have 2 songs on them, not one like spotify will tell you). I've been practicing this song of mine so much that I actually bruised my fingers but it's going to be worth it I bet! Dunno where I'll upload it, the site sure but I can't just put an mp3 file on here because neocities, i think bitview or soundcloud are my best bets, or hell even bandcamp so at least one rich guy can buy 2 mediocre acoustic guitar songs... Then again wilbur soot made a living from that soooooooo I could be the rich one in a month >:) Update: I uploaded them to bandcamp here so if u want to you can also throw me a bone! It'll get you 2 bonus tracks too (they aren't much, just unedited versions, but pleaseeee)
Tag 43, 09/09/2024
School's still on my mind, new thing though: I feel scared to interact with anyone (teachers included), I know I'm not there yet and I know I'll probably get someone to talk to about videogames or whatever while on social autopilot but I don't think I want that? I feel like if all I do is let my autopilot go I'll be trapped yet again in meaningless, surface-level "friendships" that'll fizzle out once I come out (which will be very soon). August really was my trans confirmation month, there wasn't a single day I doubted I was a girl, I had my state-mandated sad episodes but by and large it was a really good month, the awesome once-in-a-lifetime alone-at-home week happened in august after all. At this point I look pretty femenine even without trying which is good and bad at the same time, good because I want to look girly (because I am a girl) but bad because I don't want to look girly around people who don't know I'm a girl yet. It's all very complicated and even though I KNOW something bad will happen immediately after I pray that the stars align and I come out soon with some external help. Ughhh my life is so uncertain I just wanna play guitar and wear skirts ffs. It's kinda fucked up that due to my country being the way it is the exact day I was meant to meet my psychiatrist again was coincidentally a day off for everyone nation-wide, so I'll meet him exactly 1 day before the interview with the trans hospital people (25th this month). At least shit is happening...?
Music highlights:
- Chamber of Reflection | Salad Days | Mac DeMarco
- Passing Out Pieces | Salad Days | Mac DeMarco
- Only In Dreams | Blue | Weezer
- It's Golden Hour Somewhere | Wake Up & It's Over | Lovejoy
Tag 42, 08/09/2024
In 4 days I'm going to start school... Fuck. I know I'm going to be putting in 0 effort and still getting very good grades but the second there's a group project I'm going to fucking die. I've never worked well in groups, I hate having to fight 3 other people over wether my ideas get in or not, I hate how "normal" people work and I hate seeing people implement the most cliche, ctrl+c ctrl+v works into something that affects 3 other people's grades when that same person just shot down an objectively good idea to put that shit in. I hate working in groups, I really hope a teacher helps me out and gets me out of the more useless ones but I doubt it'll happen. God I'm negative today!
Tag 41, 07/09/2024
Just had a thought: this whole klinefelder thing... won't it make hrt less effective? if my estrogen levels are already high (which in theory they are if I have klinefelder), does that mean I just naturally went through hrt? This is probably a very dumb thought... maybe. I guess hrt gets you much more estrogen than your body is able to naturally generate even with this syndrome? Food for thought and a very incomprehensible converstion with my my doctor. Also apparently a day before I get my hormone levels checked I'm going to get interviewed by someone at the specialised trans hospital thing so I look forward to that but I'm also nervous because this guy can decided wether or not I get to be who I want to be in life... Damn that's deep as hell. On a happier note; The song below "Oh, Margarita!" by Mandelbro is SOOOOO good, please check them out it's such a shame they have so few listeners!!
Music highlights:
- Oh, Margarita! | N/A | Mandelbro
Tag 40, 06/09/2024
40th blog entry (not counting same-day ones). Seeing this as a milestone warrants me to do a little retrospective; My first entry was a recap, I've been at this for almost a full year, I don't really know when my thoughts started just that the diary begins on the 11th of novembre. My second entry was about school and how it was my last day in the mandatory school system, it didn't feel right and I think I have a clue now; I'm scared of not being able to get to know anyone from here on out, school is such a good environment to cultivate meaningful friendships (and relationships if ur into that ig) and I threw all those years away with nothing to show for it but a diploma with underwhelming grades... Going back and reading my old entries is a mixed bag for sure, there are the casual "I made a sandwich and listened to a song" entries and then there are the paragraphs of montone sadness after I'm happy too long. All of my low points are the same, after some discovery that cheers me up I slowly go back to realise just how shitty my life is, my room is so small I can't play guitar standing or dance or play vr, my mom is always away doing work or out with her friends or sleeping, my dad is a brick wall to talk to, I never know what my sister is up to, my friends don't text or call me and I can't talk with them about emotions because "men", none of the games I've spent years playing crack me up anymore or are even enjoyable, youtube is much of the same, what am I even meant to do here? The only thing that stays consistent in my life is that I'll eventually get sad no matter how happy I achieve to be. At the very least, after like 3 months of posting on here, I know what I want and it sure as hell isn't a penis.
Music highlights:
- Sherrill | 2 | Mac DeMarco
- Passing out Pieces | Salad Days | Mac DeMarco