Tag 134, 31/1/2025

Back to the pits of hell I go! My mom and I sat down to talk about the impending shit storm that is my dad, we talked about how we could maybe get an answer out of him that wasn't family-destroying, it's not looking good... We came up with the idea of leaving him a letter and leaving the house for a good hour so he had time to read it and not blow up in our faces. The only other idea is to somehow gaslight him into going and talking with the trans clinic people because it's literally their job to do it... Both don't seem like good options because we know he's still going to react negatively, it was a very grim cnversation. I know I can't start hormones without telling him, it'd set him off so bad if I didn't tell him that he'd tear the house right down. I really want to get the hell out of this house, it's not bad like other ones that kick their children out or beat them but man this is taking a toll. Yesterday he slept through the entire day because his sugar acted up (wonder why... it's like eating 2 bags of candy per hour hurts your body or something...). The worst part about it is that I keep worrying about him, he's the #1 contributor to my mental issues and I still cry over his self-inflicted woes. Not to mention the damage he's likely done to me by smoking inside our house all the damn time, from 0 to 16 years old I've been subjected to this man's whole pack a' day schedule and it's no wonder I'm gasping for air with the littlest of action, my lungs probably look like a 19th century coal miner's. And now I'm being told to spend time with him so he doesn't hate me down the line like he does my sister, motherfucker there isn't going to be a "down the line" this man is a bad day away from the urn, 8 years ago he was told he had 2 left to live for fuck's sake. He's on borrowed time and is doing jack shit with it all, just getting radicalised on the couch and playing solitaire on his computer, any sane person would've at least picked up a hobby or 2 but no his hobby is alienating himself from everyone that tries to like him on more than a superficial level because that's how men work I guess. Oh and I know that "deep down he loves you" or whatever, fuck I hope, I don't know at this point. He's a relic from the past, he's washed, he's got nothing and the little he occasinally gets he ruins forno rhyme or reason. Ok rant over, TL:DR I hate my dad even tho I'm worried sick of him everyday.

Tag 133, 28/1/2025

Week without update? Did I die r something? No but nothing important happened. Yesterday tho, ma, yesterday ATE! I got off school and biked half the city in 20 mins to get to my psychiatrist and then went to the nearby dentist cuz my mom was there and then we both went to the nearby town square and went to this museum thing, all the while speaking in my girl voice and my mom trying her best to call me by my new nme. It was awesome, and once I got home I got to see the sword I had ordered on the 17th, it was BEAUTIFUL!! I can't wait to try it out!! Also some like 2 days ago I went to the clothing store just cuz I could and bought these wide pants and a crop top and the pants I'm wearing right now (I'm in class), no one has bat an eye yet which fills me with determination! It was a tough choice to go to school like this but hey right now it's paying off, they're super comfy and I'm living my best life. The crop top looked awesome on me (will look better once I catch up to them beauty standards on the tummy department tho), it also felt so good to wear it I loved it! This week has had its ups and its downs but man it's a good week! Also uhhh turns out my mom only really keeps my dad around because he's got nowhere else to go basically, she jokingly called it her ngo because my dad is supposedly doing more than ever before and all he's doing is complain, forget to move the clothes from the washing machine to the drier and sometimes cook lunch... P.S: Yesterday I went to the bathroom in this bar we were at drinking coffee and I went t the women's restroom! Exciting, I know.

Tag 132, 22/1/2025

I just HAVE to write about today. I finally got comfortable using my girlvoice with people who aren't me! I used a sloppy but understandable version with basically all of my classmates today and a more robust version with my mom. Also since my sis sent me a happy birthday message I replied with a video where I thanked her in my online-standard good girlvoice and played a riff on my guitar. It filled me with hope! Oh yeah and my guitar arrived, opening it and seeing it and playing it made me so happy!! It's a beautiful guitar as well as very playable, it's got a cutaway so you can play the higher notes easily and it's a god send compared to my sister's classical guitar (which doesn't have one and sucks to play because of its wide ahh neck). Along with the guitar I also ordered a really cool strap and some 60€ headphones by audio teknika or however they're spelled. The headphones are super nice, probably the best I've ever had! They weren't expensive at all as far as headphones go but inspite of that they sound AWESOME they blew me away when I listened to them for the first time. To avoid breaking them in a week (as I very usually do with headphones) I've decided I won't take them outside, I'll keep them as my main headphones for my pc and amp and stuff but they ain't leaving the house, I'm gonna keep my previous cheap ones to use with my iPod, it's not like the iPod can churn out specially good quality sooo... I'm happy finally! it only took an almost 300€ investment... Also I ordered a stand for the guitar but the package tracking site says the order was delivered partially so I'm hoping it'll get here later or something, I'd really hate to have to go through customer support, it's not specially bad since I ordered from a small-ish shop but I just don't wanna do it it doesn't sound like a good waste of my time...

Tag 131, 21/1/2025

Like I said earlier in my post, I hate my current laptop. It works fine, awesome even, but it just makes that damned noise, it doesn't always do it and it isn't always super loud but when it lets it out fully it's so distracting for literally everyone and they all start looking at me with my broken laptop because they've all got functioning personal computers or got one from the school in time. It makes me very anxious and there isn't anything I can really do about it myself, I tried cleaning the fans once but it turns out half the screws that keep the bottom cover on are flat so I can't get them out. Paying for someone to clean seems like a waste of time due to the absolute state of the thing, it's about 10 years old and even though it holds up as a netbook I need it to do unity and game development, things that it has already showed it can do but as soon as anything remotely 3d is involved it dies and refuses to go any faster than a snail. I've tested this by making 3d models in blender and stuff and even though they're low-poly the whole thing slows down to a crawl as soon as I enter shaded mode (nevermind actually RENDERING something, that'd brick it). It was a nice gift, would've been nicer if it was in a good condition... it's missing keys too I'm considering looking for a different computer but it's just not possible, I've already spent most of my money from christmas on other stuff and it's not like I'll get any more money any time soon. For a more pressing matter than a shitty computer: I still really hate my dad! He treats me like a kid and I hate it. He hasn't really cared to learn much about me and still clings onto what worked for him up until now, things I still kinda enjoy but I woulnd't enjoy with him of all people. He also keeps turning everything political it's sickening. Also I didn't want to talk about this because tis' meant to be anonymous and all but my birthday is near and honestly? I'm not down for it at all... What I've got to look forward to is spending an evening on a mini road trip with my parents and later on a dinner with my mom's best friend, her husband, my dad, my older brother and a shit ton of dysphoria from people calling me by a name I have grown to hate. Coming out to my school has also been slow because my main teacher, the one I had to talk to about changing my name and stuff, is sick, and has been for a week, I know I should tell my classmates before I change the name they've known me by for the entirety of our coexistance but to be honest I just don't feel like it... I'm not attached to them at all, even the guy who spends his limited school day arriving late and playing pubg mobile is better incorporated. I get that this is my fault for pushing people away by sitting alone and avoiding conversation, it kinda was a planned deal. The thought process was to alienate myself so they wouldn't notice if my old self went missing but I'm afraid they won't truly let me go in the 5-ish months of class I've got left... for some reason... They still ask me stuff from time to time, Mark has just about given up on telling me about his misadventures out with his friends but the class as a whole sometimes wants to get to know eachother and I get asked stuff about myself like what street I'm from and stuff. The street thing happened today, I was just doing my job with my headphones on and the hyperactive guy tapped on my shoulder cuz everyone was saying where they lived roughly and I stood there for a few moments trying to get myself to speak in a girlvoice but the pressure mounted on and I just didn't... why would I? Nothing ever happens! To add to this already shit situation youtube has started putting vaush videos in my autoplay and while I hate taking part in politics I can't help myself not to fear for the world sometimes, what the guy in charge is saying is not encouraging to say the very least... they want to pass a goddamn LAW saying there are only 2 genders like what? Are they even fr? That's too ridiculous, even for them. Despite this shit-hurricane that I've got upstairs I'm gathering more and more motivation to work on the game of my dreams, I'm making a 2D game already for my programming class but I've had this 3D game in mind for the longest time, I've written out whole documents on how it should work, look, feel, I just have never gotten around to making it, I'm lazy like that.

Tag 130, 19/1/2025

Yesterday my dad got his new car and it's definetly cool, we've gone from a bear bones 4x4 shitbox to a luxury suv from the late 2000's. He seems very happy with it and so it's about time I have a disscusion with him while he's still happy and a bit more agreeable. My voice has been gone for a while, maybe because I've been abusing my old voice by having conversations with my mom left and right, turns out I didn't talk for a reason. It's like voice is hoarse but only my girl voice is hoarse it's weird. I've been listening to Weather Station by Inabakumori (the japanese giberrish that I've put in the music reccs), Lagtrain is still my favourite song out of the album, I've yet to hear it whole but since the rest of the songs seem to be more energised and stuff Lagtrain is still more up my alley. I'm addicted to smosh, it's weird because I remember seeing videos back in like 2011 when it was still just Ian and Anthony because there was a channel that dubbed some american parodies into my language and that included some smosh videos and other piemations stuff, I remember those very fondly. I mainly listen to the reddit stories and podcast because they're very entertaining but not visually heavy so I can listen to them while playing fortnite or something but I do watch some other stuff, I liked the reunion videos but they drag out a bit, the series where they play games dressed as gentlemen is so funny tho, Spencer Agnew is my favourite guy from there he just becomes a different person when he puts on that darn top hat... It's very entertaining and it's keeping me going, given how everything else could be better. My brain is telling me to go live by myself but given that I'm not even 17 yet that's near impossible and by the time I am 18, the way the economy's going, living by myself isn't really an option I can look into unless I get super lucky with a good job or move abroad on a scholarship or something which sucks, a lot. I'm a very solitary person and I think the reason I'm having trouble socialising lately is because my family keeps taking up more and more of my social battery with home issues and other trivialities. I just wish I could skip to 4 years from now, 20 years old, living in the country side, working from home on some software company, with a cat and a car to do lil trips on the weekends, a guitar of my own and the ability to play it without looking up tabs, in a house that isn't closet-sized, as a real woman with dresses and a dignified closet... I can only dream for now I guess.

Tag 129, 17/1/2025

I'm dissapointed! So we went in to talk about hrt in this clinic and we ended up talking about my dad, leaving no time for the technical and medical details making it so we had to book another appointment just for that... DO THESE PEOPLE NOT REALISE HOW MUCH I WANT THIS? He isn't even that big of an issue, I could do nothing and it wouldn't really change the status quo, they want to bring him in to open his mind a bit and make him accept me but he isn't gonna come in and if he accepts me I'd rather it be from his own 2 neurons and not coercion... I'm kinda mad, I get why they do it but it's not like I'll need tests before beggining the only thing they'd have to do is write me a prescription with an appropiate dose, the doctor said it himself during the talk! I guess they're trying to discretely give me more time to think this throough but like what part of "I've been wanting this for 10 months" do you not get!? I feel betrayed I though I'd come out of that room with a paper in my hand I could wave around then go to the nearest pharmacy for that sweet sweet girl juice but no! I have to wait what'll end up being 3 months for an appointment by which the hormone test will already be outdated and then I'll have to wait 2 more months for another one! So my dream of being a full on woman by the summer is now crushed, because I thought I'd have 6 months to develop but now it looks like I'll begin hrt 1 month before summer! Let's go!!!!!!!! Even when he's not present he's still fucking it all up!

Tag 128, 16/1/2025

I'm feeling inspired, today's the day me and my mom get hrt explained to us by a real guy of medicine. I'm in school right now, I'll leave early to get there. I have a deep desire today to make something, play guitar. I also kinda feel like shit! I woke up with the worst hair in a while and once I looked in the mirror to put on my lenses I felt my chest hurt a bit, I didn't pass at all. It's kinda arbitraty when I decide I pass and when I decide I don't but man today was rough... I cheered up a bit after getting some music down my ears but I still feel kinda bad from that, specially having to go through that in school. I talked to the psychiatrist yesterday about my dad and the very bad feeling I felt once I had come out to my friend, they told me to try and cut the bridge between me and my dad (mom) as to force him to talk to me directly and I guess I'll try that, it's pretty sound. As for the bad feeling, they told me we'd talk about it more but not to worry too much, give that I've told others since and haven't felt the same thing it's probably just a fluke. I hope so... Man I just wanna get hrt already, I've been less enthused with it lately but I REALLY want it, I want to feel cold, I want to feel feelings, I want a girlier face, I want to feel my feelings...

Tag 127, 14/1/2025

Today was goated!!!! I went into school with the most fire simple outfit ever created (lit just a grey hoodie and black pants but it worked so well), the coolest my hair has been in a while and the utmost determination to come out! I didn't speak to anyone until like the 3rd hour when I had to work with this hyperactive guy who's been nice to me for a while and I started talking to him with a bit of a botched nervous version of my girl voice but it worked well enough ig, it was only to prerpare the guy, he played it off as me being hoarse but he knew it wasn't it cuz I'd revert to my old voice a few times when the teacher came over to check on us, he isn't popular at all in class so I doubt it's going to get out there too much, one thing that will is that my programing teacher (who knows) made 3 groups for a competition we're having and he said "I've put 1 girl in every group" and since in my team everyone else is male I think you can guess why the others could figure it out, seeing as I don't look like a guy either I'm the most suspicious! I then went and took a train to whoop whoop nowhere to pick up a gambeson I found for cheap on fb marketplace (it'll enable me to buy a sword and still have 40€ spare), I went with my mom and we talked A LOT, like a lot a lot, I guess because I was happy about the voice thing (I still talk to her with a male voice tho). Once we got back I convinced myself to go to the pharmacy to get my ears done and I did! It still hurts as a matter of fact! I'll have to wear this simple ball earring thing for a month or so in order for the hole to develop well but I'm fine with it, it's not like my ears are a common sight, I like to hide them behind my hair a lot. Oh yeah and I can stay up late cuz the teacher that gives us the first 2 hours of class is sick so I go in at 10am which is a dream and I love it!! Today just was the day, also Jamiroquai cheering me up the whole way! Right now I'm listeing to the stranglers cuz idk I felt like rock, but Jamiroquai is today's star too!

Tag 126, 12/1/2025

Welp, my sister is now officially up in scotland. Tomorrow an interesting week is gonna start, psychiatrist on monday, gender psychiatrist on wednesday and hrt talk on thursday. My mom's really excited for the hrt explanation, she wants to know what it does and honestly so do I, I've read countless articles and heard similarly abundant stories of people taking it but I've never had a doctor sit me down and tell me everything it's gonna do, good and bad. I still haven't said anything to my teachers about my transition (except the programming guy of course), I really should but yesterday I had basically no time to myself and today I woke up at 13:00 with homework to do... I really should say something but since it's sunday and I'm very unlikely to have my teachers read their e-mails I'll probably just tell them in person tomorrow, I seem to be better at that than doing it digitally for some reason. Not much to talk about, today's a bit of a transition period. I guess I can try to use my girl voice? I already kinda did sing in my girlvoice a bit under my nose around my and the 2 guests we had over (they're very good friends with the family, so much so that they know I'm trans and greeted me like a girl until they saw no one did that cuz of my dad...), I don't think anyone heard it because the vynil was at an insane volume for 11pm but I kinda hope my dad noticed because I want to ease him into it.

Tag 125, 10/1/2025

Yesterday was a big day... I told my programming teacher that I was trans and he told me to change my name in the registry by going to my main teacher. it went fine. Still haven't told my classmates but I plan on doing it this weekend. My mom encouraged me to use my girlvoice at home since my dad seems to be kinda ok with it, she said she also noticed how radicalised he had become over the last couple years on things like immigration and stuff... weird... Anyways I wanna talk about this dream I had (more like a nightmare). yesterday I watched the season 4 finale of house m.d. and it actually was close to making me cry it was so well done, I'm saying this cuz in the nightmare it felt like I was House and I was in this weird hospital thing, it looked more like a kindergarten than anything, I couldn't see anyone it was like a liminal space but as I walked around I kept hearing hundreds of voices, sometimes I shouted back at them but they persisted and didn't seem to have a source, I then dreamt that I woke up and went to my mom for help and in the hallway saw my dog but I was seein triple so I saw 3 dogs, and then I opened the door to my mom's room and the dogs jumped into the bed and started biting my mom's thigh, I woke up in a cold sweat at like 6am and I was very worried I was still dreaming. It doesn't sound like much but it made morning paranoia hell I hated it. It also made me sad cuz I haven't dreamt in a long while and the first dream I have isn't just a nightmare it's a nightmare where I think I was a guy...

Tag 124, 8/1/2025

So! The first day of school has come and gone and boy do I have stuff to tell you all! I basically did nothing the entire day except hum to myself in the best girlvoice I could in preparation for the big moment in which I could use it, but that moment never came and in its place I found myself being stared at by everyone on something so mindnumingly-stupid about microsoft excel that I just had to belt it out in my old voice because lets fucking go! I love peer presure! God why, why is it that the one day that I'm actually determined to do something with my stupid transition to move it forward I don't get a single chance that isn't in front of everyone, why couldn't someone, ANYONE ask me for a pencil or something like someone always does?? This does not bode well with my current mental status, that being of complete and utter mindfuckery. A good week is coming up, I could be getting scheduled for hrt next week ffs... I'm in such a state that I'm starting to doubt what hrt could possibly even do to me. I've already got thighs, I've already got ass, the bust will grow but I don't even know if I want that. Voice won't change, face won't change, it's like I've already got everything it's offering me. The mental changes I guess but even those could even turn out bad knowing how prone my life is to throwing curveballs at my face. What if when I start feeling feelings my dad dies due to his shit life decisions? How will I cope with not only a crisis in the family but also an unprecedented one in my head? Not to mention that my mom, while enthusiastic about the whole thing, still thinks I'm not intersex, still calls me by name repeatedly even when I told her to avoid it, etc after etc. This one time we went to a clothing store and she immediately with no hesitation took me to the men's section and it felt so bad, like she was making fun of me or something, it honestly hurt me how automatically she did it, didn't even glance at the women's section sign, I didn't tell her tho, I didn't have the strength to. On the dad note, he seems to be taking it well, he reacted positively to the earrings so I guess he's finally internalised it and I'm free to try out my girlvoice at home. On the dad note note; I'm worried sick about him, always have been, he treats his life with such little regard, sleeping very little, doing no exercise, staying in the sofa all day and night, complaining about everything, eating everything in the kitchen that's not bolted down. He says he's diabetic but I don't know how true that is when he downs 4 packs of gummy bears every single day. I fear this is all gonna catch up to him, that he's finally gonna realise that he's not invincible way too late. He's suffered multiple heart attacks, he's smoked for ages but has stopped recently, eats a shit ton of sugar to supplant the ciggarettes, I don't get it, why does he care so little? "He's deppressed" you might say, and yeah fair point he could be but it's not like no one's noticed this before and done nothing about it, my mom tried for ages to get him help, to stop his addictions, to get him a hobby, but his old ways always persevere. He's built a reputation for himself as an immortal man, living to 68 while never touching a damn salad... Sorry for the rant, he lives in my head rent-free so hard I swear to god. But what am I to do? the only person who seemed to share my concerns at one point in time has just given up. Now I'm the idiot, suffering through someone else's crisis. I odn't even know why I fear losing him, it's not like he adds anything to my life, I'd say he subtracts from it honestly, if I didn't live every waking moment with the sword of Damacles hanging on my shoulder I'd probably have more headroom for myself. I think this weekend's a good moment to send a message to my teachers about this trans thing, it'll get the ball rolling and more importantly it'll semi-force me to progress, I can't do anything myself unless I make the conditions force me, maybe I'm deppressed too! Who knows! My favourite shirt is gonna have to be cleaned and I kinda hate that, it looks so good with so many things I love it, I should get like 2 more of it. Hopefully in 2 weeks I'll get my guitar and can start pimping out my wholesome site, once I really try to migrate over there I'll probably either link it here discretely or just straight up tell some of you guys (even though I'm pretty sure only 1 person reads these that isn't me lol). I have to look at the bright side cuz seeing the glass one quarter full is my best option but I can only keep blissfulness up for a week or two, I'm not a mind sorceress...

Tag 123.5, 7/1/2025

I don't like double posts but here it goes: I'm kinda mad that even though I physically (and mentally if I hadn't been brought up like I was) I could've been a perfectly normal girl except the whole having a vagina thing. I'm unreasonably mad at my parents rn because of this because some inch of me is whispering in my ear that if they had just seen the signs early I could've been diagnosed as intersex wayyyy earlier and given a femenine upbringing, an upbringing that is now the plywood that makes up the walls of my dreams. It's something I won't be ever able to have because you aren't brough up twice and knowing that is killing me on this fine winter evening. If I pass so easily and had a very femenine voice until like 2 years ago why couldn't I have just connected the dots and lived as a woman earlier?? I feel so fucking stupid. I hate seeing pictures of myself but recently I started noticing how femenine I looked even after begining puberty, maybe I didn't go through a completely male puberty, I didn't have breasts before puberty certainly but I was also fat during puberty did that create the breasts and if so why do I still have them even after slimming down considerably? When did my body become so femenine? I've only started noticing it because I hated looking at myself before, I used to blame it on being fat and hating myself but maybe that was just gender dysphoria from before I knew what it was, possibly?? Everything is falling in place in my head and I'm just starting to realise how easy everything would've been had I known what a trans person was before almost turning into an adult ffs... The world let me the fuck down massively god damn. How come only my sister noticed my intersex-ness and how come it was before puberty?? I thought all children were androgenous that doesn't make any fucking sense?!?! My trian of thought is going to hit a wall at some point in the near future it seems! Boy am I gonna shower my my gender psychiatrist in a week... We're meant to talk about how I got to knowing I was trans but man this is all just coming together ain't it? God this sucks, I feel remorse for things I literally couldn't have done any differently, my entire life from 1st grade to now and forever I could've been living as a girl and I'm only just finding out? This blows! How come I hadn't thought of any of this before?? I am very not happy right now... I need to take a break from everything, unlucky then that I will have to go back to the school where I'm a guy tomorrow!!!! Wooooo!!! Yipeeee!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Tag 123, 7/1/2025

My brain's being weird again... I start classes again tomorrow and I am thinking of using my girl voice even if it's a bit out of the blue for my classmates (I've no time now to send a message or anything). It'll feel right I reckon, I hope at least. Given that I don't really know anyone there it'll hopefully be easier than with my family members with whom I've been making silent progress with, today I slipped up and replied to my dad with a very femenine "yeah" but he wasn't paying attention and didn't react at all so I think he either didn't hear me (we were on the street) or he's come to terms with the eventuality that is me changing outwardly. Today's song is some japanese thing I found through BitView of all things, there's this guy I' follow'm subbed to who does like dances n stuff and he made this rad effing edit of it and it's stuck with me since. I'm still listening to wilbur in the background tho, just can't be bothered to have the same 3 songs 4 days in a row. I've bought a guitar as I posted on my bluesky, won't disclose much about it cuz I plan on making guitar covers at some point and this isn't exactly the best platform for that (you'll notice I took down my vimeo and photos page, I've grown reallyy paranoid of everything on here even if the darker blog posts aren't frequent). I can't wait to have a decent room, honestly. I want to be able to have stuff on the floor and not have to move it around everything I have to sleep... Wall mounts are fine for everything from swords to guitars but when you have like 3 plus a calendar, plus a diploma, plus an ikea modular wall thing, plus a mirror and a hanger, it just gets bloated and while I do have some wall space left I want to be able to see the wall from the time (don't ask, just monkey brain stuff). I want to have a dignified room not the american closet ahh thing I've got rn... I can't even escape to vr because playing vr is a 50/50 chance I'll break the controllers instantly because of how little space I have... I'll attach to this a diagram that I will probably delete soon because I'm gonna get very self-concious about my anonimity in like an hour just wait for it.

Tag 122, 6/1/2025

Yo yo yo!! Today is the day of the 3 holy kings! Happy that I guess. Got a few gifts: some chocolate, a hoodie, a tote bag and (quite to my surprise) EARRINGS! They're not to my personal taste (I'm gonna change them likely) but I'm happy my gender's being recognised! My dad didn't throw a fuss so I guess he's accepted my gender which is awesome and makes me want to wear dresses around and use the voice I've been working on since forever!! I also got 50€ from my aunt and uncle so that's cool! More budget for the guitar and other stuff. On that note; I now know what guitar I wanna buy! A fender something, it's only like 200€ and I like everything about it, it's smaller than a normla classical guitar, it's got a cutaway so I can play that one annoying weezer riff, I can plug it in if I feel like it, it's black (I'm emo fr fr) what's there not to love!! I'll probably buy a stand along with it because I hate having to put the guitar away in the closet everyday. I want to buy an acoustic cuz my sister's going away for a long while and she'll be taking her guitar with her so I won't be able to steal it, it's also cool to actually own stuff that's yours for once... I've lived on hand-me-downs forever and it'll be nice having a cool thing that's actually mine! Also yeah I really want one because of my ongoing obsession with wilbur soot music, they've always fascinated me and they're not the hardest songs to learn sooooo

Tag 121, 5/1/2025

Last night I was in bed trying to sleep until like 4am and came up with a new economic plan for the 500 coins I received for christmas; spend like 100 on medieval stuff (buy gambeson and gloves), use the same sword I used last year (I wanted to change it cuz its very unwieldy and very not well made but it works I guess), with the remaining 400 bucks (more like 370 at this point I have bought some stuff) I wanna buy an acoustic guitar of my own, new or pre-owned idrk, a vyinil player if possible and decent headphones. Audio has always been my setup's archnemesis and I ought to change that, I've been jumping from shitty 20 dollar headphones to 20 dollar earbuds since like forever... If I don't find any good budget guitars pre-owned online I might just go to a local guitar shop and snoop a bit for a guitar that's not exorbitantly priced (200€ or so). Vynil is so I can actually listen to my vynil collection, the house's stereo is in the living room and so is my dad so I never get to use it, it isn't needed I have all of it on my iTunes already but I like how most vyinil mixes sound and I prefer them over their digital counterparts ngl. As for headphones I don't know if I'll have enough, I've watched enough dankpods to know that I will either have to go with a very old pair or a new cheap and bad pair, I just want something that won't die in 2 months and that is wired so I can also use it with my iPod... Also, yeah, I'm addicted to wilbur's old music again, he's a horrible person but man his music is so unique he's got a strangle hold on my feelings istg

Tag 120, 3/1/2025

I'm starting to notice how little sense I make, I mean I was born with a male reproductive system and yet everything else could perfectly be that of a woman's, my body is basically entirely femenine, my face passes, it was easy enough to get a good voice going (mostly just getting the muscles dusted off since during puberty they suffered a lot), nothing makes sense. This is why I think I've got Klinefelter but last time my hormones were checked both my testosterone and estrogen levels were normal for a teenage boy but that can't be I look like a woman. I'm not complaining but medicine and anatomy have always been a background interest for me and I can't shrug this off as just a quirk of mine, none of this should be true and the last time a doctor looked at me to check for pysical symptoms of Klinefelter the only thing that was there were my boobs, my gonads were normal size apparently. It simply doesn't add up! What's going on with me? Do I have some other type of intersexuality? Unless the endocrine doc looks at me a bit closely I won't know for sure but it's established that hormones didn't make me the way I am, how did I come about?? I can't stop thinking about it today for some reason and the few videos I've watched on the topic haven't cleared anything up... It's not like this is new either, as I've been told; My sister thought I had Klinefelter when we were way younger because she was doing a presentation about it in class, connected the dots in her head and told mom. Like???? It seems way bigger than that, part of me hopes it's something cool and useful like a secret vagina that I've had forever but that's not realistic at all and probably would hurt like hell if it was. I just can't find an explanation to how different I am to normal biological men because it feels as if I've never been a biological man. Having gotten into a few more shows than before recently I've kept noticing time and time again how different my body is to that of my "normal" counterparts and it freaks me out a bit. What if this is serious and could damage me? Is it literally just me coincidentally having femenine features in spite of my genitals but being a "normal" male physically? I should really ask someone with some sort of qualification these questions and I probably will get the chance to at some point but I doubt I'll get all the answers I want... One thing I've thought about before is my dad's side of the family, they're all very masculine, even my aunts (but I can't really know cuz they're all old by now so it isn't as obvious), maybe the Y chromosome I got from my dad was just more powerful than usual, keeping a weird hormonal balance while still having XYX chromosomes...? It's A theory I guess but I don't know if chromosomes can be stronger or weaker sooooooooo......... God I'm weird...

Tag 119, 1/1/2025

Happy new year 2025! Yesterday's party sure happened, I was sooooo out of my depth and the worst thing is that I didn't use my girl voice for some reason, as I waited for my friend in the train station I was literally practicing like I had been for like 2 days in preparation but once he actually came and I saw him and he greeted me I just instinctively went with my guy voice and once I did there was no turning back... We went to his house after getting 2 pizzas for dinner and ate them as fast as possible so we didn't end up eating dinner as the bells rang (it happened anyway). Once the new year hit a friend of my friend whom I've seen a few times already came over and we played a bit of poker waiting for 2 more of her friends, once we were all there we started drinking and I held myself back cuz I knew it couldn't end well cuz I had already had like 2 beers while playing poker. All the girls got absolutely hammered with vodka and monster and I was so not where I wanted to be ngl, they all knew about my identity and it was kind of pleasent to see them include me in their girly activities n what not but it was very awkward for me since I haven't been face to face with anyone for a while and being honest I like it that way. We were up until like 6 because someone's dad had to wake up in order to come around to pick 2 of the girls up. Once we were all going my friend walked me a few streets so I'd know where I was (my transport card had expired) and once that was done I just walked home while listening to Zero7 on my new shitty 15€ headphones, taking in the sights of empty streets and roads beset by buildings with cool lights on them. It was a very chill walk. Then once outside my house I saw my mom walking the dog so I walked up to her and it turns out that she'd been calling me for a while and was super worried, for some reason I didn't notice my phone so my bad I guess... I'm so confused about myself honestly. There's something I've noticed about my identity and it's that it kinda breaks when I'm around other people, like I see myself differently when surrounded by people I know. It's why I can't bring myself to do the girl voice in front of anyone who I know, I have no issue doing it in front of like retail workers, I'd actually say it's harder for me to do a guy voice for them, it doesn't feel right to do so, but when it's with my longtime friend or my mom or my sister I just can't and I don't know why. Am I embarassed of being this way? I don't think so, I had the confidence to come out to my friend twice and I also told my mom back in the day, it does figure that I am scared of being heard, hence why I can't really be loud with my girl voice it's something I've never practiced because I fear someone will hear me through my house's shitty walls. Why am I scared of being myself? I don't get it...

Tag 118, 29/12/2024

First and foremost, I will be ignoring the calls for now, I will come out sooner rather than later now that I've seen that while it's hard to send the message it pays off! The plan for today is to shower and go shop for a hoodie or something, my usual best-looking quasi-feminine outfit is currently in the laundry basket and has been for a while so it's easy to assume it won't be getting cleaned in a while... Since I have like 170 euros to spend how I want I'll probably also shop around for either a blahaj or headphones (or both), I really need something to cuddle and I've already got 2 pillows which I actively use so I can't exactly take one of them I'm a very picky sleeper. After sending the message and going to sleep I felt kinda weird, like I can't put my finger on it but even though it was a very positive interaction it felt like I was doubting myself again, after showering it has passed but it's made me a bit paranoid. If I feel less trans when people know about it what does that say about my identity? Is it not a precise explanation for how I am? I never really consider myself to be gendered in my internal monologue, does that mean I'm non-binary? How come I'm so happy when people treat me like a girl then? Why did I have to be a fucked human istg these questions will get the better of me one day... But today, today is good and the sun is shining so I'm still afloat! The wind's not exactly moving my ship towards land but it's better to drift endlessly than to wreck and drown in the depths I guess. I need me some happy music to truly knock my mood from blissles neutral to actually kinda happy. I like winter but now that I'm old enough to experience seasonal sadness I'm starting to doubt this, summer IS kinda goated when you really think about it, not where I live but maybe up north it's better, mfs be complaining about 30 degree weather while we're out here playing football at 40. About this whole moving out thing, it reallllyyyyy feels like a necessity at this point, I really want to be alone, maybe not as much as the last time I talked about this because being around family constantly forces me to adapt a bit but goddamn is it annoying to have to keep my voice down because even when I'm just casually talking to someone on Valorant it's apparently "too loud". What I don't know is if it's worth it to move to a different country, that's the real kicker. I live in europe so it would be easy if I got a job abroad but I don't know if I'm independent enough to live a 12 hour train away from my family, I might be a loner but I still enjoy their presence from time to time... I could just move to the mountains in my country, it's reasonably cold there (if climate change doesn't fuck it up that is ofc), I wouldn't have to learn a new language, no changes in the way healthcare is done, etc. I really want to go on that Mersamus thing my sis is doing when I'm old enough, tho. It sounds like a very cool opportunity to not only get experience with people that I haven't been around my entire life but also to see how being alone actually works. It's going to be a long 2-3 years till I can do it so I'm gonna have to just sit tight tho...

Tag 118, 29/12/2024

The party is officially only 2 days away and yes I haven't come out to my friend yet, turns out that when you're generally sad you don't have a lot of willpower crazy isn't it? I don't get it, I don't get myself, it's like I'm superficially happy but inside I feel super bad and it surfaces every like 10 minutes in mini doses of epiphanies, I can't wait for me to fuck up being myself at the party, even if I come out to my friend before the party and I tell him to tell the other people I know that are also going I just know I'll get anxious and default to my guy voice, by the way, talking about voice, IT SUCKS NOW! Turns out that 3 days of having the house full of people inhibiting my ability to practice privately while also having to talk to people that expect a guy voice to come out of me takes a toll on my girl voice! Who could've foreseen this happening? Minecraft of all things has been keeping me sorta grounded in reality, it's somewhere I can just do stuff, I've built a couple cool things I'll probably put them on bluesky when I can, it really is a relaxing experience to just do stuff, fail and prevail, I missed being challenged by games, Valorant isn't challenging as much as it is luck because even though I can improve the shitty matchmaking will just keep on putting me in games with platinum players when I'm bronze and about to drop to iron, Minecraft actually challenges me fairly like when I overextend my scouting trips and find a dragon and die to it miserably because I'm still making do with iron tools. By the way, the money thing, I'm still planning exactly what to buy, the medieval stuff is on the list for sure, I'm spending at least 300 euros on a sword, gambeson, boots and gloves. For the rest of the almost 170 euros that'll be left I'm considering buying a good headset, I've only ever had shitty 20€ ones and I ought to improve the last real peg leg on my setup, I've been using the ks1's I bought like 4 months ago as my desktop, vr and portable headphones so I'm expecting them to die any minute now. 170€ is still a bunch of money and I don't really know what else I could buy with it, bass is off the table it's too expensive cuz I'd also need an amp and that'd be 100 bucks alone.

Intermission: Remember the girl who was unbearable to talk to due to her self-centeredness whose dad was kinda chill? Well I finally had enough of meeting up with her and I'm probably a horrible person for doing this but I simply ghosted her, I haven't sent a message her way since like November. I did this because I was at my saddest point yet and just didn't need another load to bear, boy was I wrong about this approach being the most liberating. She called me like 7 times some weeks ago and now her dad is the one messaging me and calling me, while I wrote this he spam called me like 8 times. Look I'm not proud of what I did but that decision was a child of its circumstances and I stand by the fact that she's the last person I need right now. She was a total net negative for me, the only happiness I got out of being with her was her dad and even then she ruined it sometimes by angrily storming off the room when she didn't like our strategies in some table top game; She was winning but since she had just abused one score board (the most important) she hadn't prepared for the pvp mechanics of the game so me and her dad constantly beat her at pvp because she couldn't do much about it, she got mad because she played wrong and even then she would've won due to her massive lead... this happened 3 times word for word. Talking to her was a nightmare because she did all the talking and when I very rarely said something she immediately 1up'd it into the ground, even for things as dumb as music, I'd tell her how funny a song was due to its absurdity and then she'd say some emo song of her's was better because it mentioned suicide graphically. She was just all around not a good relationship to have and I think I only really kept her around because she was my get-out card to keep my cis/het side happy (I was in the denial phase) even though she gave off very mixed signals and wasn't a good catch, mentally or physically, one day she'd act all cute around me or fall asleep on my lap in the bus and the other she'd say she never wanted to be in a relationship ever and avoid even sitting next to me. I just don't get normal people I don't understand anything she did. She also hated her father for some unknown reason, I don't know him too well but he seemed like a really chill guy who tried his best to make her daughter's life the best he could, she didn't seem to care about any of his efforts and berrated him once because he stopped seeing a woman she liked. I'm not saying any of this justifies ghosting her for over 2 months but what was I meant to do otherwise? Keep on suffering through the worst anxious chapter of my life while also being someone else's sponge for petty high school drama? I could've told her up front I didn't like seeing her but then the fallout would be even worse, god knows she wouldn't change at all. I just hope her parents understand what I did and why I did it, I don't really feel like seeing her again ever, we stopped contacting eachother after middle school for a reason.

Tag 117, 27/12/2024

As I said some amount of days ago, I will be attending my first ever party on new years, it'll be hosted by my childhood friend whom I last saw like 3 weeks ago. Problem is, at this stage of my transition journey it will sting A LOT to be treated like a guy by a whole party as a socially anxious person, in my first ever party (with ppl my age). I would really like to come out to him, it's not like it'll go wrong I've already told him about my sexuality and he's talked about having trans friends in his school (we go to different schools cuz he's kinda rich and went private), this literally can't go south, and yet I'm scared to tell him. Having my mom come out for me has definetly fucked me over in this regard, I have yet to come out to anyone myself and it's a daunting task. Once at the party I will go all out girl mode, make up and everything, which will *hopefully* prove to me that I pass, that's the plan at least. I haven't worn femenine clothing or makeup or even done a girl voice in front of other tangible humans before and it scares me that I'll back out in the last minute as I've done many times before. I talked about this to ChatGPT because it actually helps a surprising amount, it told me to either tell him now, only 4 days off the party, or to come out in the party. The latter is anxiety & embarasment valley and the former would have to happen imperatively right now as I write this. So I've once again put myself in a bad situation. I hope I'm able to muster up the courage in a bit and actually tell him through Whatsapp.

Tag 116, 26/12/2024

OKKKK christmas is goated, actually. I ended up only getting 1 vynil but I ain't complaining cuz aside from the really nice keyboard I chose and the mouse my older brother came in, watched monty python with us and then gave me and my sister 500€ EACH. It's wayyyyyy too much money... Most likely I will spend like half of it on my medieval stuff and the other half I'll either save or spend on a bass if I can't help myself... For now I can only really talk about the keyboard because it has blown me away! I've only ever had cheap ass peripherals so finally getting good tier stuff has opened my eyes! The sound isn't the best, it isn't fully mechanical or at least doesn't sound like it but it isn't bad I like it, but what has really gotten me jumping in place is the lights it's got, you can make it so it lights up when you press a key and that is so cool!!!! I'm in love with it (it's a razer Ornata V3 btw). Mouse is basic but I wouldn't want it any other way! It's just a deathadder essentials thing it was only 20€ while the keyboard was like 60. I'm really happy because I finally have a decent setup all around, something's always been lacking with my computer and when it wasn't the computer itself it was the peripherals but now it's great however you look at it! To be honest I don't know if my bass obssesion will last long so I'll abstain from foolishly throwing my money away on it, I'll consider it if I still want a bass in like march or something I think that'd be enough time for the autistic obssesion to wear off. Christmas just got a lot better ngl... I won't be attending ANY family meetings this year it seems! I didn't even have to talk that much today and my sister treated me like a girl, made me feel included when we were both helping my mom out she's the best. What a great day, honestly, finally I can smile!!

Tag 115, 25/12/2024

Christmas was a bit of a bust... Brother didn't come, instead coming tomorrow on the 26th (turns out we ain't meeting with the family this year), no presents have been opened yet cuz we're waiting on him to be present. Yesterday, to see if I could save a bit of sanity seeing how sad everything is rn, started a new minecraft world and modpack (last one was lost when the ssd died), it's been fun and I'm trying my darnest to not cheat because I tend to do that when I get frustrated, I've made a cool house which is weird cus I don't usually build at all... I ragequit like 10 minutes ago because I found an ice dragon and I died 8 times to it, turns out they're WAY harder to cheese than fire dragons... Dinner yesterday also kinda sucked, I don't get why my mom made this weird buffet thing where she put a bunch of stuffings on their own and some cheese instead of an actual meal so I woke up hungry today. Oh btw, on my endless search for estrogen I've found a good temporary thing to do until I get the medical hrt, green tea! Turns out it gives you some estrogen and kinda suppresses testosterone so it'll do for now even if it's just a placebo, I've replaced all my coffee with it (so like 3 a day), I started yesterday. We'll see but goddamn this end of the year is looking rotten...

Tag 114, 23/12/2024

These 2 days a good assortment of fuck all has happened. I did tell my sister and mom that I wanted to have the talk with dad but it wasn't conclusive, I kinda jsut dropped it and hoped they'd come up with a time and date because I don't like being in charge of stuff. I hope it happens, will likely be after christmas tho, seeing today's date... By the way, christmas! It's christmas tomorrow, I'll likely be told to open the presents tomorrow night because that's when big bro will be over for dinner and that's how we've been doing for a few. I'm not expecting much in the way of gifts, I've told my mom about my hopes and dreams of getting a bass but it's way out of anyone's price range so not gonna happen (unless someone pulls a miracle), mostly just vynils and other small stuff like a keyboard and mouse (my scroll wheel hasn't worked since february and my keyboard is 7 years old, cheap, dirty, rusty and clanky). I really don't want to be filmed rn and my parents usually film us opening our presents for some reason (I'm almost 17 and my sis is like 20), it's one of those things that make me feel like they treat me like a kid when I haven't been one for like 2 years, it's pretty frustrating but there's nothing I can do about it, talking to them yeah but that'll fix it for 2 days if I'm lucky... But it will be an ok day, what I won't be able to stand is the day after that, the 26th, we usually do a big family lunch on that day and you betcha I don't want to see my family right now, they haven't done anything bad to me but I just really won't have the energy, having to tolerate being called by my name and all... Everytime my mom calls me by my name in public I get increasingly anxious I fucking hate it so much, I don't like being in public with anyone rn because of it, she also uses my name A LOT like in moments were she could not use it she does anyway, like when we're in the grocery store and she tells me to get something, you don't have to use my name who else could you be referring to?? Is it that hard to say "Go get the thing" instead of "you, go get the thing" ffs...

Tag 113, 20/12/2024

First and foremost, I didn't come out at all today to anyone because I got very stressed seeing everyone together and the teachers weren't around at all so I just ate some snacks, received my grades, watched a bit of a cs2 tournament that was going on in the classroom next to mine and left. Secondly, I have a good feeling about my dad, he's just given me this cute lil cat keychain thing (he offered me 2, saying to pick one, one was red and the other a dark blue, I picked the dark blue cus I know the other one will go to my sister and I know blue's not her color), then he offered me something he thought was a handbag but was just some leather case thing which I declined cuz like I haven't got a use for it. Both of the things he's offered me could be considered girly so I'll take that as a "yes I am slowly accepting your gender identity" but to be honest I don't know if it's an honest action of "might as well support one of my kids before I die of anything" or if he's just desperate to have some sort of positive interaction with me so he's commiting blasphemy upon his own personal church just so I talk to him again like I did when I was 10 and very easily amused... My psychiatrist a week back told me that, the way he sees it, both my parents don't take me seriously and infantilise me a lot and it checks out, neither my dad or mom seem to grasp exactly what it is that I like and in absence of new information they just resort to ye olde database... It doesn't help that I'm going through a very bad season right now, you know with the whole "I hate being around anyone" thing that my brain's been pulling since like october. My mental health isn't bad but just about, I don't know how I'm clinging onto hope and happiness myself tbh, christmas miracle is my best guess... At least I've finally decided to accept my face as it is, coping myself into thinking that while it isn't the face I want it's girly enough to pass if I don't show my entire forehead (it's my biggest insecurity as I've ruled out eyebrows) and that's all I really want anyway, it's not like I'm going to be looking for a partner anytime soon so being pretty isn't exactly a concern in the near future. On the whole partner love of my life point, I geuninely think I might be aromantic, it's crazy to think that I'm meant to feel so attached to someone to the point of complete unquestioned blind trust and togetherness I can't wrap my head around it, I've never truly known anyone and I can't see myself being attached to just about anyone, even the closest people in my life (mom and maybe sis) I don't feel like I truly know. Maybe I'm not aromantic but just haven't had the chance to look at men romantically? I don't know and I'll probably not know until I either find someone I do have feelings for or I'm 39 working in i.t. in like philadelphia USA or sum shit idfk...

Tag 112, 19/12/2024

Hear ye! Hear ye! My voice hasn't changed since yesterday!! Might still happen because my neck still hurts when I do just about anything with it, might convince my mom to buy that throat coat tea thing if it's not too expensive, I've always wanted to try it and it might be a good opportunity! I also really want it because I plan on using my girl voice tomorrow! Since it's Friday and the last day of school until mid january, we're only going there for like an hour of actual class and then we're gonna sit around our "main" class for an hour while everyone individually gets their grades in a weird letter thing, everyone's gonna bring some sort of snack because apparently it was decided on by the whole class (I don't remember participating in the vote but whatever I'm not complaining exactly), so yeah I'm going to try to talk in a girl voice, it'll definetly be the highlight of an otherwise boring send-off into winter break, I hope it's for good reasons... Might give my group teacher a heads up or just give every teacher a heads up cuz I think it'd be less awkward if everyone learned my name through the teachers instead of direct interference mainly cus I'm awkward and really don't want to tell people face to face that I'm trans, also the fact that the other day I overheard some conversations between some of my classmates and one of the guys (whose dad is an acquantaince of my dad cuz they attend the same car thing events) has uhhh right wing views on some stuff, wouldn't be surprised if he alienates me down the line... He might just have this stance on immigration specifically tho (it's what I overheard), in my country (like in almost every european country rn) being against immigration is like the most normal take ever somehow, basically everyone's against immigrants, specially car dads. This guy, we'll call him idfk Andrew, it's almost like he's what I would've been had I not been autistic or trans it's kinda crazy, aside from divorced parents he had basically the exact same upbringing as me. He's literally what I acted like I was in middle school and high school as well. Not a word on Mark btw, except the other day when he came high to a class we were partners on so me and another guy had to carry his ass in the presentation because it was that day specifically, he's been pretty tame and honestly he just has mmore openly interesting people to talk to it sometimes feels like I'm his sponge, listening to all the adventures he tells me and not getting a word in unless I'm asked to save a friendship for him (he asked me what he should do to regain the trust of a girl friend twice which I found odd ngl). I don't know why I insist on making this whole coming out thing a headache, basically everyne saw the darn funko pop figure and it shows that they know, one guy I'm kinda friends with whom I help a lot because he's hyperactive and can't concentrate is noticeable more nervous when talking to me now, he might just be having a specially bad season idk. I'm feeling confident lately, I wish this carries on because I'm getting a mirror from ikea delivered this week (I needed one to test out outfits properly). I've also officially ran out of money once and fr all until christmas, I spent like 9€ on the lil adventure I went on with my friend and his friend last week and I payed for my friend because his card was declined and his money to me is getting delayed for some reason so I'm at like 1,63€, so no Blähaj unless my sister pulls a god-like move and buys me one fr christmass. BTW while on the topic of my sis, she's going to scottland for a short 6 MONTHS to study something I can't remember the name of rn, so I've got to have "the talk" with my dad STAT or else I won't have my bravest fighter... Me and my mom are very passive and will likely just take whatever attrocities my dad says if we do end up in the conversation, everyone has told me to have her by my side when I officially come out to him face to face so now I've got a time limit.
In a cmpletey unrelated note: I can't wait for this year's medieval event!!! My mom's family's home village holds this medieval reenactment weekend event thing every year and I can't wait again, last year (I dont know if I mentined it) I had so much fun with a bad sword and a cheap tabbard, this year I'm planning to kit myself out, buy a nice curved sword and a cool sallet helmet and participate for real this time, no more cheap broken swords and more fighting! Last year I was only allowed very minor roles because I didn't have a Gambeson and would've gotten a beating so this year I'm gonna buy one among other things and I will fight my childhod friends in a duel! I know it's not femenine at all but I'm allowed at least 1 masculine hobby right?? And like last year I was taught how to stab with a longsword by a girl who was there so I don't wanna hear it >:3

Tag 111, 17/12/2024

After a weird day at school I had to go back to my old school to drop off the laptop they gave me all the way back when I started there, I'm pretty clean so it was in fine condition still. I was told to go to the it guy's office to drop it off (he also teaches some technology-adjacent subjects). He wasn't there so I went down to the basement where the technology department is, met him again, between getting the wifi to work and wiping the small computer he told me straight up to apply for an internship at the school, saying the current 2 interns are very bad at what they've been tasked to do. For some context, it might be exclusive to my country or region but my current line of study requires me to take up a 6-month internship in the second year of studies, so next year. I look forward to it to be honest, might see my old classmates suffering through the apparently very painful experience that is non-specialised higher studies. By the time I take up the internship I'll already have like half a year of hrt so I hope to look very good by then, by that (to be honest, not-so-)distant September 2025. God time flies, too much even. BTW! While at the old school one teacher I was very good friends with didn't recognise me, I found it weird to be honest, I've already created the idea that it's cuz I look like a girl now but she probably was just too focused on other stuff, her class was going on still when she came into the room looking for something. That school gave me this weird feeling, some sort of cold nostalgia, I didn't have the best time there, specially in the early years, on the last year I was basically as I am now just very much still trapped behind a mask of a loud and funny guy... The more I've dropped that character the more I realise just how bad I can be at social situations if I don't feel safe behind it, family gatherings ought to be fun now...
On the comment I made today on my profile: That teacher might've just forced me to come out, even if I don't do anything the cat's out of the bag, so much so one of the guys I'm acquenteinces with randomly called me the equivalent of fag but with female termination, implying I'm gay and female, gladest I've been to be called a slur XD dw btw, my country's way easier on the use of slurs, I've never seen or heard of someone saying something so outrageous they're ousted right then and there, doesn't mean they don't offend they just use them more often so they're not as hurtful to most ppl, I don't get it either tbh.

Tag 110, 16/12/2024

To ease my own, screaming mind, I'm gonna make a table with the good things about my body and the bad things, just cause...

I'll change it by adding stuff if I come up with more but for now this is what I'm insecure about.

Tag 109, 15/12/2024

Meeting with my friend was fun, we got tipsy off cheap liquor and dicked around fighting with sticks in the middle of a playground at like 2am cuz all the pool tables were taken in the bar we were at. I have a bit of a headache but it's normal I'm not used to drinking. What really sucks, which I noticed even in my alcohol-induced state, is that my girl voice is now gone, just gone, we did scream yesterday night and it obviously wasn't with my girl voice, not in front of him and that other guy that came along, I probably should've come out to him but I didn't find the right moment, didn't want to ruin the fun, I think he's onto me tho, I told him I liked men but like when we were having dinner at some kfc he was talking about how he's got trans classmates and how he respects them and stuff, maybe he was just showing he was okay with gay people in general but then he would've talked about gay people not just trans, his friend is the one that joined in saying there were also just plain old gays in their class (they're classmates btw). It isn't gone gone, the voice I mean, it's just greatly diminished, some vowels just don't make a sound and stay silent in the middle of sentences, by the end of the day I bet I'll have it back to normal if I practice enough... My mom and sister are out for dinner with an aunt of mine so it's just me and my dad today for basically the entire day (god knows my mom is going to take her time to come back), which sucks a bit because he's, well, my dad... I've got a shit ton of homework to do and it kinda sucks, there's some fun stuff, we've got a 6 month long assingment that's all about making a 2d platformer and I can't wait, I love designing games and if it's an assingment I bet I'll finish it, might put it on itch.io under a more wholesome name (leichpfand is attached to this blog which is not wholesome to say the least!). The project itself is divided in 3 phases, in the 1st we design the game itself and add the basic movement and scene stuff on the second we add enemies and on the third we can either add more complex stuff onto the game we've been working on or just straight up build something cooler from scratch (3D or AR stuff). It's cool I like that my school's doing this. Talking to my friend yesterday he was talking about how they've got thousand euro equipment for everyone in every classroom, vending machines, relax areas where you can sleep and even a foken fussball table, he's in a private school of course, 400€ a month, did sting a little in the moment but I'm happy with what I've got, I'm content with my shitty laptop and my cheap school, the diploma's gonna be the same (I hope) so who cares if u do the work on a workstation or a 9 yeard old gaming laptop it's all the same when it comes down to it.

Tag 108, 14/12/2024

Forget yesterday, it was a dumb decision to give those thoughts the light of day... I'm happier today, how couldn't I be! I woke up at like 11 completely home alone and I was alone until like 2. I'm also meeting up with my childhood friend and one of his buddies tonight to do some tomfoolery around the city. I've found new music yet again, "webcore" as it's called speaks to me for some reason, it's kinda like if femtanyl used a normal bpm and was purely instrumentals. My dad seems to be accepting reality, some days ago I think on thursday, I came home and he greeted me when I had just gone into my room, he asked what I wanted for lunch and I said whatever was fine then he just stood there staring at me, almost waiting for another response, my best guess is he either had an old person moment or he was dumbstruck by femenine-ish outfit (it was black pants tied at the belly and a light gray jumper under a black t-shirt), he stood there for so long I turned around, wondering why he hadn't said anything or just gone on with his day. He's also actively seeking me out less, sometimes proposing something we could do together I don't want to do but backing down way easier than ever before. He's either stumbled into an epiphany or slowly taking in the fact that he's going to have a second daughter awfully soon. Do you guys remember the cycle of personae I talked about some blog posts ago? Well guess what! I have a new new persona! For now it's but a mere bandcamp account I'm buying music with but I'm planning on making a site for it here on neocities, it's going to be more like my old sites, just a personal creative outlet, much like leichpfand but without the blog, constant deletion of everything and deppressing aesthetic. The day after tomorrow is going to be the beggining of the end of school for a bit, on the 20th we'll have a few less hours of class and then never see our professors until january. I look forward to christmas but I'm also pretty weary of what might happen with all those godforesaken family gatherings... I really don't want to go to them but my family (my mom's side that is, my dad's doesn't celebrate anything with us because my dad hates them as I've said before), while not liking loud drama, is very much federalised and won't let that shit slide so I guess I'll be going regardless, it'd be a bad time to come out, would look tacky, it'd be however a good opportunity with my classmates, for like 3 weeks they won't see me and an off-handed mention on the gc could finally liberate me from my self-impossed shackles for a good 8 hours a day. Having not seen eachother in weeks would also make my voice way easier to cope with, knowing what someone's voice sounds like normally kinda ruins new voices because you can hear their old voice in the undertones (at least from my experience wit it), it's also way easier for everyone involved to not have to deal with the change so suddenly, if a random ass tuesday and the quiet kid comes to school with a skirt and speaking funny it's gonna clash a lot more than if it's no only anticipated but you've had time to forget what the quiet kid looked like without it, if that makes any sense...

Tag 107, 13/12/2024

Well the unthinkable has happened, I am now horrified of regretting transition, how odd! I thought I had gotten over this, for the past 6 months I've been almost unanimously decided but I guess you always start doubting something right before it happens. It's not like "Oh damn I am a guy and I wanna fuck girl" it's more like "am I really trans?". It isn't as strong a movement as it once was back in like march but it's still there and it's as if my legs started hurting 20m from the finish line, it's like I didn't expect my dreams to come true and when they did someone convinced me that those weren't my dreams, but if they aren't mine whose are they then!? I don't know what to do about this, talking about it with my mom will only confuse her further and we're in a bit of a bad moment rn y'know me not wanting to be around anyone and stuff... I need to boost my self esteem somehow, wearing femenine outfits for 20 minutes in my room is a start but it isn't even a temporary solution it's more like a distraction. I guess my biggest worry is that estrogen will make me more emotional and right now I do not need that, I'd be dead by the week's end... I know it's gradual but the amount of posts I've seen on bsky about hrt turning people crazy overnight has definetly made me at the very least doubt the true helpfulness of this all, I'm counting on the fact that as much as it'll make me sadder it'll also make me appreciate the smaller things in life which I have a tendency to ignore in favour of my negativity. Bluesky is my twitter, I've turned it into my own personal hell like I usually do with everything but it's a hell I can find solace in at times, I post my random thoughts, some people see them and like them, I feel validated and post more of them, and so on. I hate how prone I am to getting "in the mood" I hate how everyday I go to bed with an extremely uncomfortable thing between my legs, I'm back to wanting it out of my life, I'm fed up with it. My recent interactions with individuals who seem to prefer people with penises over people with vaginas is just an entertainment I hope. I've noticed that I'm very easy to control, whatever the current community I'm in wants is what I become, when I was on omegle trying to pass as a girl a lot of people wanted me to show my non-existant vagina so I wanted one, now I interact with people who want me to have a dick so I kinda want to keep it for them. It's a weird fact of life that I'm a loose cog trying to be fited to every machine known to the internet of things but I pray that the one I end up attaching to is the one that makes me the happiest...

Tag 106, 12/12/2024

Sooo, I'm back to some sense of normality, even if it is temporary. I tried hard to be happy with myself today, wore my skirt and wool white jumper combo around the house when I could (dad wasn't around). The shoulders thing, however annoying, isn't a worry for me rn, I've got way bigger fish to fry, like my voice which today is behaving very well! One of the first things changes I think I'll undergo once I get serious about transitioning medically is probably just to thin out my eyebrows, idk how to do it and to be honest they'd be fine if my face was more femenine overall, like it's fine but from certain angles you can definetly tell, I also REALLY want to get rid of my penis ngl, it's annoying as fuck and I die a little inside when I see it, I used to be way more adamant about removing my genitals but for some reason it's been moved to the backburner lately, I don't think about it that much like I used to, might have something to do with another thing I wanted to get off my chest; I have an alt on bluesky which I won't even tell here because it's way too embarasing, basically I treat it like my normal account but I allow myself to follow certain people that could be classified as very horny people who always post about their horniness, this has had a weird effect were I no longer imagine myself being with men but another trans girl and I don't know how to feel about it to be honest, people change and I might've always been into it to some degree but it's weird because I used to fantasice about men A LOT, but whatever, I don't like going into more sexual stuff on here just in the off chance my identity is revealed later down the line, besides it's not like I'll end up having a serious relationship with anyone by the looks of things, I'm so incompatible with everyone I know it's kinda crazy. I really want to get away from my region, I want to explore new places, meet new people, be unknown somewhere for once, my ideal plan is to move to Germany at some point, I'd love to live in Hamburg or Bremen, the weather is so much colder there and I yearn for cold and snow. Anyways I've forgotten what I wanted to talk about now... uhh so my life's still shit, nothing's changed, I'm gonna be sad as fuck in a bit. I don't really know what to do to be happy, I """could""" satisfy my urges and sign up to grindr or some shit, I don't know if I'd get matched being as tall as I am and the person who takes, I could try it but I'm also too young to even sign up, I'm almost 17 but I think the minimum is 18, I could aways lie but that's no good. I always had this idea of losing my virginity to someone I actually cared about before trying anything casual but it's not looking good... I could always meet new people but I'm too awkward and anxious for that, I can't show up at a gay bar and just look for someone mildly interesting it's not my thing, my thing doesn't involve outside people at all it's just me, my schedule and my hobbies. I feel like I'll gain some sort of divine clarity once I get on hrt that'll do away with this fog of war that plagues my mind but part of me knows it'll only make me cry about it instead of quietly suffering about it, if things remain unchanged, even with hrt, I'll still be a loser with no friends or life prospects living entirely within a 8x4m room going through a late rebellious phase that makes her hate her parents. Speaking of my parents, my mom told me yesterday while I was already in bed that she wanted me to talk more, I told her she knew the reason I didn't talk at all and she told me to give it some effort because "it's like living with a ghost"... Are you fucking kidding me? Do you even know what I'm going through right now? If I'm not in the mood to do small talk when the littlest conversation could fuck up my voice training I shouldn't have to. I don't want to antagonise her subconciously but she's making it really hard lately, she knows what I'm going through or at least knows that I'm going through something, was I really that good at faking being sad that for years she didn't notice? I just want to live my own life, I want to have my own house which I can clean when I'm bored and play around in to have fun and develop my hobbies further, I want to be away from everyone I want to savour the little sudden moments of happiness that are holding up my life right now. Guess who burst into my room as I was writing that! My mom, of course! God I just want to be able to choose when to interact with people, if it leads to me being a neet devoid of emotion so be it but for fuck's sake leave me alone...

Tag 105, 11/12/2024

I don't even know what is going through my head anymore, I have opposing thoughts every 3 seconds and it's not great but at least it gives me some moments of happiness. My crash out yesterday about my appearance is fully gone, I think I'm lucky to look how I do, even though the height thing isn't great, I pass if I try hard enough and with the littlest bit of makeup I'll look great. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept my strengths, wether it be by blind luck or some subconcious desire to retain androginy my younger self managed to set a pretty good stage for me, I don't think I was always good with controling my voice, I like to think I did that to myself by singing videogame music for hours while growing up, singing is something I do without noticing when the music matches my mood well enough so it checks out that I developed a wide vocal range from it. I also did some choices that realy make me think I didn't know I was trans purely because I didn't know it was a possibility, I slept with my plushies forever, I remember my dad urging me to try and sleep without them when puberty began to hit but he gave up eventually after seeing I really just couldn't let them go, I was also told countless times in school that my mannerisms were weirdly femenine, not to mention that when my mom sometimes forgot to bring me to the barber's everyone would treat me like a girl and I kinda liked it. I might just be digging and cherry-picking events but when I put my mind to it I can't really find any radically gendered action I did on either side, I've always been kinda in the middle when it comes to outward interactions. I should probably tell my parents to stop talking about my past though, they're VERY nostalgic people, specially my dad, he's always sifting through old photos at least once a week he does it it makes me go insane everytime he shows me pictures of me from when I was just about beggining puberty. I hate old photos, they remind me of what I used to be and I don't like what I used to be, I hate how my dad now glorifies those days to keep his own sanity when faced with change. Back a few years, when I was like 10, I got incredibly fat, not like 300lbs fat but like 120kg while being 170cm fat and it showed, my belly was very noticeable, one uncle of mine started calling me "captain Mollica's" and I hated it but didn't do anything about, I was too happy with how my life was going to be sad, my grades were dropping but the allure of change from moving up from primary school to high school in 2 years was too great. It was also around the time I started dabling in the online world outside of club penguin, it was my rennaissance but it all got fucked up when my family went into turmoil for a few, we were struggling to keep our house and my mom started working all day, my dad became even more sloppy and useless, not even picking me up from school anymore (we lived next to it tho dw). This was all eventually fixed a few years down the road when my mom switched companies but by then it was 2019, I was a bit slimmer but still fat, my dad had given me a shitter laptop I did some unity stuff with and my grades were fucked beyond belief, not last year (2024) bad but it was still a heavy downgrade. Then 1 year later covid hit and I had the time of my life, staying in my room, doing fuck all. My school wasn't ready for the pandemic so they only gave us 2 weeks' worth of homework for the entirety of the year (the electrical installation was too shit to do zoom meetings). From then until now there's almost a 5-year gap but I honestly couldn't tell you what happened from 2020 to 2023, it felt like a transitory period, I don't recall anything but being sad and lonely, being bullied occasionally by some group of guys just because, that one bad teacher and I guess my first website(s). 2023's final months I recall vividly as it was when this whole "fuck I might not be a guy" thing started. The idea of being trans appealed to me but it seemed to be a sure-fire way to end up badly in life, I didn't like the concept at first either, I remember in march 2024 we were watching "friends" on dvd and I really liked Chandler's character, even felt a bit relatable to me, we were still in season 2 btw so his apology arc wasn't on yet (yknow, the one with the trans person), so anyway, a sad season hit and I thought it was the trans identities' fault and since by that time I had already been keeping my hair long I decided I wanted chandler's haircut so I hit my mom up and said "yo you gotta get me to the barber's STAT before I change my mind", I changed my mind faster than my mom could get an opening in her schedule so I ended up not doing it. I can't imagine how fucked up I would've been if I had cut my hair, it takes its time and even with almost a year of letting it grow it's only a bit over shoulder-length rn, if I had cut my hair I'd still have it relatively short right now and that sounds like a nightmare. Anyways, I better cut off the blog post somewhere, it's starting to look like yesterday's long rant. Xiao Hong Shu or whatever

Tag 104, 10/12/2024

My ""new"" computer is finally behaving, it's still so gross I clean my hands after using it but it's liveable, performance also seems to be back after giving it a dusting, still uses the integrated graphics instead of the gpu tho idrk ho to fix that, most fixes I found on reddit didn't work. On the 'me' front it's all going to shit, I feel sad more often than not and it's not like the usual sad episode were I'm sad but only as a 'default' if that makes sense, I can still enjoy some things but lately it's all just shit. I wanted to talk to my psychiatrist about it but his son was sick so he couldn't make it to the meeting, which sucks, I wanted to see him for once to talk about something that isn't the same "how's school going?". I've found new music to reflect my sadness so now I only listen to this weird mix of jazz and 60's rock that really pleases my ears. I look like shit, it's about time my bliss delusions of passing ended, I only pass because I hide 90% of my face and my body does the heavy lifting, body which is femenine thanks to a genetic mutation (possibly anyway, nothing's confirmed yet but come on, it's too much coincidence). My sister seems to be dying to bring me shopping with her for some reason, I mean yeah I am her sister after all but I don't want her to look bad when she brings a 2 meter hon into pull & bear. And yeah, it's no wonder the 4chan episode also did a number on my self esteem, it was like 2 months ago now but I still can't get over what those sad people said about how I looked... I've been trying my best to not talk to anyone but the people inside my funny magic box but it's no use, I'm surrounded by people who want to cheer me up only to ironically make me more anxious and sad, I just want to be alone for once, I can't have anything to myself, I can't dress how I want because my dad's gonna be an ass about it and probably tear the family appart like he already has, I can't practice my voice at home for the same reason, I can't bring myself to put on makeup either... My dad's all up in my mind and I hate it he controls every action of mine without even trying... I don't want to blame it all on him tho, I know it's my own weariness bringing me down as well. Between my dad and myself a perfect cage has been crafted from which I don't dare escape. In all fairness, what COULD my dad do if I were to come out to him, kick me out? House is on my mom's name and it's a given they'd divorce under the littlest bit of tear, hell it's happened before, a few years ago my mom was pretty serious about the whole divorce thing after my dad decided to be more useless than ever for a good couple of years, she even tried dating other people aside from him for the first time since the 80's (my dad was my mom's first-ish boyfriend and they met hwen she was 18 so it's fair to say she doesn't really know what being with anyone else entails). My family was perfect up until my teens, they were caring, my mom wasn't around because she had to bring home the bread but it was fine because my dad always fullfiled the role of the 'parent that's allways there', now he's grown complacent after 40 years of being with the most irrationally loyal woman the world has ever seen so he's slacking of anything while also making both his children unhappy. I only learnt this recently but my sister has to take fucking antidepressants because of all the stress she goes through everyday and he does nothing but add onto that (he doesn't know about the meds cus they expect a bad reaction to come out of him, I wonder why!). And I've been his 'favourite' since forever, my sister has studied and worked her ass off for years so she could get a smile out of him and all he does is argue with her about pointless politics at the dinner table, while I've failed accademically and personally for the same amount of time and got a less punishing treatment. The more I look into it the more I hate him... The brother that gave me the new laptop is also kinda worrying me from the backburner, I don't know how he'll react because I barely know him, I don't expect a bad reaction but I'm afraid that if something happens between my dad and my mom as a result of my actions he'll find reasons to hate me. God why do I do this? Why do I think the world is against me? Everyone wants to see me happy but I'm afraid that if I am they'll suddenly call me slurs and drive me out of their lifes? It doesn't make sense, I don't make sense, I hate it. My word for the month seems to be hate, I hate this, I hate that, I'm not doing well. At least it's finally cold enough to were I can wear a hoodie and not sweat on my way to school. I want to tell them everything so badly... I want to wear a skirt to school so badly... I want to talk so badly... I've yet to find my voice but I'll find it if I'm enabled to search for it in school, I'd do anything but tell them. Anything but exactly what I've got to do. Telling my teachers might be a good first step, one of them is probably already in the know since I handed in the female version of that funko pop ai art thing to his class as part of an assingment. He definetly saw it, he randomly asked me if I had a guitar because I had done another part of the assignment related to that and he said he suspected also I had one because I put it in my funko pop (it was bass but it's fine, you couldn't tell from the image because ai bad). The funko pop thing was actually really hard for me to do, I asked chatgpt if I should it ffs, I finally decided to bite the bullet, thinking I would've come out by the time I would get any word back but nope I'm too lazy and scared.
After a good few classes I've decided that, even though it's kinda cheating, I pass when I style my hair correctly. I'm back to this idea that everyone thinks I'm transmasc but hey, if it makes me feel better... I remember one guy telling me I was gay-looking which like fair but saying I looked like a woman would've helped more. This may be the longest blog post I've ever made and it's for a good reason, it feels like I'm the lowest point in a while, I'm not suicidal or anything, I regard my ability to live my single life way too highly to do such a thing, I just want to feel loved while also being able to be alone, FULLY alone, when I need to, is that too much to ask?

Tag 103, 8/12/2024

As I mentioned on my bluesky my older brother (same dad but different mother, btw he's 32 years older than me) gave me a laptop! He had gotten word that I needed one so he came over today for lunch and gave it to me in its original box. I'd be excited if the thing wasn't 9 years old and pretty underwhelming, it's also VERY gross like every surface is sticky gross, it also sometimes makes this lawnmower sound so the fans are probably clogged to hell. It's better than what I was working with until now but I honestly don't know if I'm ready to start using it given the state it's in, I'll probably be force to because my current laptop is 6 years old and very cheap, this one's old but actually good (it cost him 3500€ or so back in 2015/16). I'm not getting anything cool or flashy for christmas unless my dad pulls a desperation move and buys me something we can't afford in the hopes I will just forget the last whole year of personal development, so for now I'm just getting a few cd's a keyboard and a mouse but it's fine, I'll count the laptop as my cool christmas gift. I'm kinda sad today, my dad yelled at me earlier for not speaking loudly, saying I should answer him when I'm asked something and shouldn't reply with just "mhm" which like I get it but dude like fuck off... My rebellious phase has come late but it exists after all, I hate everything about my parents, I hate it when they're around me and want me to talk to them, I hate talking, my mom knows it, why then does she still insist in getting small talk out of me? Is she just that much of an extrovert she can't go 2 seconds without conversation? I hate that I hate being around her because she's the single most important person in my life, now and forever, I just can't help but feel anxious when around anyone really. It's like I've become increasingly socially anxious as the year's gone on, it's why friday caught me off-guard, I wasn't expecting feeling so anxious at the event, it's like I had forgotten my mask at home and I felt embarassed to even exist. I guess the mask did serve a purpouse after all. I'm not going to go back to it though, I don't want to throw myself away just because I've lost the ability to connect with complete strangers in a new place and environment while being bombarded by bad thoughts and gender dysphoria, god that event really was the worst...

Tag 102, 6/12/2024

Yesterday was a day... It SUCKED! School was fine but once I got home I was told by my dad to hurry up and get ready to go to an event my mom was in, I hadn't cleaned my hair in 2 days so it was pretty rough to begin with, I was planning on showering but since it all happened so suddenly I didn't have time (my dad had remembered late and we were not on track to be on time). Once we got there I was immediately very overwhelmed, not only was I having a bit of a bad time because my parents kept introducing me to random ass strangers as their son (It's not their fault tho I don't blame them), I also basically couldn't move because the entire place was overrun with people I didn't know... Pile on that the fact that my dad was being himself (trying to meet the organiser for some reason, throwing himself flowers while saying a project of the organizer's wouldn't work out, etc) and you have a pretty bad experience. Thankfully my sister noticed and got us out of there after only 40 minutes or so. We went to a record store that was nearby to kill some time (my mom had to be there until like 8pm and it was 5pm still) when my dad said he had to go to the bathroom (since he's old he can't hold it in) so we got out of the store before we could check it out fully, once outside tho he suddenly began stalling and we went to a nearby street because he wanted to check out a laptop store and later a military clothing store, we then went to an irish pub because he wanted a guinness, I didn't order anything, he tried talking to me about what I wanted for christmas, I told him I didn't know because we were low on money and any cheap desires I have I've already fullfiled myself, he told me to not look at prices for anything to which my sister rolled her eyes (knowing we're barely scraping by)... He then actually went to the bathroom (like a full hour after having asked us to rush to the bathroom), I chatted with my sister a bit about music and once he got back we got him to agree to go home and not wait 4 hours in the cold for my mom (sorry, mom!). Sis was def the mvp of that one. I would've had a panic attack had she not been there! I'm considering wearing makeup to school once the weekend's over, it's either that or bringing out the girl voice (which has improved! I've managed to keep a consistent-ish deep girl voice lately!), on the topic of self-image btw; the last 2 days I've had this feeling that my waist is wider than normal? It definetly isn't, I've checked countless times (I've shaken it off today), dunno what caused this feeling, it's not like I'm getting fatter, quite the opposite, I'm back to my bike-riding because I finally got it repaired, planning on driving it up a mountain tomorrow cuz sunday we've got guests over, I'm also trying my darndest to not overeat, I always eat single portions of everything now (I used to eat double portions of EVERYTHING) even skipping dinner sometimes, it's not like I'm not hungry, I am hungry, it's just a sacrifice I'm making to speed up the process, so yeah I'm losing weight, no idea by how much but last time I checked I was at 92kg, I don't know my current height, the tallest I've ever been measured is 192cm but I'm starting to doubt it, my vr headset which isn't accurate but I like to believe in says I'm 187cm which I'd be more than happy about, 6"1' is way better than 6"3' in my mind (irl it's not that noticeable of a difference). I'd still give anything to be just a few inches shorter tho... I'll take 5"10' even 5"11' if I can't be helped but for the love of god get me off the 6 feet mark PLEASE!! God this blog post is specially messy, I'm bad at writing without drafts...

Tag 101, 2/12/2024

There's a cycle that follows me around online: New persona, like the clean slate, make entirely new group of online friends, get very attached, seek validation on creations, realise I'm too attached, get scared and panick delete everything. Like clockwork my online activity follows this every time with every account, rn, with leichpfand, I'm at the realisation to panic delete stage, I'm afraid I have a problem with validation, nothing is even worth mentioning if someone hasn't given me an opinion on it, even if it's bad. I've noticed my sister's got it too, it might be my dad's fault, I remember him being very strict, never really congratulating either of us on getting good grades, telling us to aim even higher; "Oh you got a 9? Make sure it's a 10 next time!" every damn time... Now I can't do anything by myself and be proud of it. I don't really know how to fix this, it's so fundamentally engrained into me I do it without noticing. I recently (a month ago) deleted the videos page because I realised I was being stupid as fuck posting that, there is so much to work out my identity off of those videos. This also leads to me never finishing anything I start, I always end up wanting to show someone and when I either don't out of anxiety or out of demotivation I just don't finish it, the game I'm """working""" on rn has only survived thanks to my teachers who've encourage me to pursue this to fruition. It's not like I can't do it, it's not like I don't have the time either, I just can't justify focusing on something no one knows I'm focusing on, and even then sometimes I end projects just "because", I once made a mod for a strategy game I liked, built that mod up for months with ease and a bit of help from a modding discord, had a lot of fun making it and receiving feedback from the community, didn't update it after the half-assed release... It's still up on the workshop and I've tried many times to reclaim it but I end up leaving it as is and not publishing anything... I'm a bit of a mess.

Tag 100.5, 30/11/2024

Good days rule this land no longer, for a serious conversation has striked deep into the innerds of my brain. My mom told me to walk the dog with her today (bad sign of news) and she told me that my dad had approached her asking about the session down at the clinic from 2 days ago, she eventually also told him I was looking into hrt. TL;DR he won't do anything to stop me (because he legally can't, turns out the laws changed last year and a 16 year old can sign their own documents if they pertain to health) but he's scared of what might happen to me, discrimination and all that, I get it, I'm scared too, but he seems to be handling it very badly, blaming everything, everyone and their dogs for my brain chemicals doing a funny, he's also worried that this is a phase and in a year I'll have to go through the horrible experience that is detransitioning, I had this fear too, 6 months ago... I'm pretty certain I'm trans, I've only had a bit over a year to torture myself about it tho so what do I know! (this is sarcasm). It seems like he won't put down his strategy of waiting for ME to tell him something about it so it's gonna be all quiet on the dad front for a while I predict. As for a wider coming out, I don't know if I'm ready yet, I pass but I haven't changed at all aside from growing long hair so it's gonna be hard to convince people something has fundamentally changed, my dad's side of the family I guess will be fine with it, I won't interact with them much after my grandma's out of the picture tho, my dad is an active separator not a unifier. My mom's family on the other side, I don't actually know, I guess they'll mostly be fine with it, there is one guy that's super far-right, my cousin's husband, I don't really see him much so I don't worry at all. My childhood friend will be most likely fine with it, I dropped a "I don't rlly like women" last time we met and he almost didn't even comment on it so I assume it'll go the same way. My old school friends... I don't see them anymore, we don't even send reels to eachother anymore, so yeah, they don't really matter... My school mates will probably not care and either tell me "cool" or worst possible case avoid me which I am fine with I have grown up lonely so I'll hold my own only knowing the teachers lol oldschool style. So yeah, it isn't looking up but it ain't looking down either! Oh also, important, I have an appointment on the 16th of january with the doctor thing at the clinic which will be hrt-centered, I will basically be told the effects and possible side effects (bro idc if I don't get to have bio kids just give me tits already ffs!!!). I won't get it prescribed that day (I think) because they still need tests to make sure it won't do me harm, but yeah, hrt in feburary Is my guess... LETSSS FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!!!

Tag 100, 30/11/2024

This REALLY isn't worth the title of 100th blog post but I feel good today! I have been catapulted out of seasonal sadness by a force I knew very well but forgot could have a positive effect on me; Gaming. I tried out Vail VR because it had become free (but you still have to pay to play the actual game, they just let you do 1v1s and compete in a giant ffa arena), the time I spent among the other 6 people who hadn't bought the game was so fun I bought the full thing and hour later! Why am I so happy? Everyone called me a girl!!! I was voice training the whole time and not one person saw through it!! One guy even tried getting my instagram for some reason, man's got to be desperate if he's looking for a gf on a 100-player-all-time-peak vr shooter that costs almost 30 bucks... But yeah, it was fun! And I plan on playing it the whole weekend because I don't have any homework. My parents went out to do something out in the countryside and I thought I'd have the house to myself the entire day but they're on their way back from burger king rn to make sure I don't complain about them coming back early... They know I hate changes in plans, I am autistic after all, time I had to myself was nice tho! I finally tracked down my longskirt again but it's currently drying so I didn't get to wear it. Also I did some singing in front of a mirror because I like how my face looks today (I might've ruined it with vr because my forehead gets super red after a long vr sesh), so passing!! This is such a wholesome chungus day I have to say.

Tag 99, 28/11/2024

I'm back from the meeting! It wasn't anything special tbh, it was the first session so the focus was understanding the way the clinic operates (and thus when I can go back again for a 2nd meeting) and also just laying the ground work for more in-depth meetings so I was just asked pretty normal questions. I was asked about my social situation (no friends but I did remember to mention one very good girl friend I had in primary school) also my family situation (dad's opinion unknown but assumed to be hostile) and a few medical thigns like if I was already on hrt to which I replied "I wish", also I didn't use my female voice because I was kinda very nervous but I pulled out ye olde "femenine hmm's and mhmm's" and they noticed (my psychiatrist is non-binary btw) and told me about a free service that helps with voice training, I said I'd look into it but imma be honest I feel like I'd be wasting their resources as someone who has already been able to achieve a female voice so I'll likely not go there. I'm just now remembering that I forgot to ask for a paper saying I went there so i will have to eat the 1h penalty at my school, not being able to justify leaving early... Fuck... It's not too bad, it's only an hour. ok, bad news: my next meeting with them is in JANUARY! They start christmas break the day we were supposed to meet next so it's taken all the way to mid january, a bit earlier than my endocrine appointment but still very much in the future. I asked about hrt and how to get it and they told me and my mom to shoot an email to the main guy of the department, saying he'll make an appointment to explain to me the effects and possible side effects and ultimately prescribe me the drug if I have recent enough tests done so they don't have to order new ones to be taken (which would take a while because the healthcare system sees non-emergency, rigurous tests as... well... non-emergencies). Whatever, I've waited an entire year I think I can take a few more months (but if I start growing hair on my chin I will cry).

Tag 98, 27/11/2024

My sister won't be joining me and my mom when we go to the clinic thing in the end, so no girl mode because while I'm probably gonna start girlmodding every single day in a bit and this would be a good way of easing it in (I've already eased it in imo, I've been wearing shoulder-less t-shirts for months and I'm pretty sure those are quite femenine, I've never seen a guy wear them at least... They don't see me in my street clothes much because we almost never go out together but I've also made those quite femenine, I pass when I go to buy breakfast every damn day in the small recess break) I think it'll be a bit awkward as a first time... Maybe a controled environment like... idk... home... would be better for a first time? idk I'm still trynna decrypt my dad's mind in the background to figure out it if he'll tell me off when he sees me wear a skirt or not... btw it's almost the 100th entry! I hope the 100th is me saying "yo guys waddup got my first batch of antiboyotics" but we both know that won't happen for a while unfortunately, maybe the 125th!! I hope the 100th isn't lame as shit because it really is a milestone, it is 100(-ish) blog posts of me figuring out my gender identity, sexuality and family dynamics from june to november (and december in like 4 days), dayum. I don't think I'll look back fondly at this site in 10 years when I'm nearing 30, alone or accompanied, here or there, workaholic or unemployed, this blog is such a shithole of human thought tbh and I don't even like to admit this but I actually don't say EVERYTHING, I've got some things that are only for me to suffer (they're few and not too worrying dw) but eh I'll get over it and still find my little ms-paint doodles charming ig

Tag 97, 25/11/2024

I have a CRAAZYY theory about what happened to my voice and it's pretty crazy! Basically, I think that what I used to do to get my deep girl voice where I held something in my upper throat then used a pitched down voice (idk how it works I just do it ngl) I think I automated that somehow because while it doesn't sound the same it doesn't sound as bad as before my voice changed, huh. Also, I'm considering going full girl mode for the psychiatrist appointment, I'm talking femenine outfit (my oversized hoodie and my long skirt because they do go together believe it or not), femenine voice, the whole nine yards! Only hurdle I'll have to overcome is the irrational fear I have of showing my true self to my mom and sister because they're going to accompany me there. I guess it won't be that weird for my sister because 1) It's possible she has already seen me in my femenine outfits (I wore one once when we were both at home and I wasn't all too careful) and 2) She has most definetly heard every second of my voice training ever since I began it due to my ""house""'s paper thin walls, she hasn't said anything about it, probably because she knows I'll be embarassed due to how bad it sounds some times but if she hears it I bet she'll be fine with, my mom I guess isn't a problem she's adapted to everything so far and even told me to do my girl voice for her once when I told her about my hormone-chasing dreams (I didn't do it because I hadn't practiced that day and it would've sounded rough as hell). I've only got like 2 days to decide so I better move quick.

Tag 97, 25/11/2024

As I said in my profile; Sweat, I hate it, I sweat a lot, I hate it A LOT! I think it's genetic or something my dad's always sweating too but now that he's older he doesn't as much as he used to, the guy is literally 68 years old, I still don't know how they managed to make babies ngl there's a conspiracy there to be had. It's literally destroying my self esteem, I can't go a day in class where I go in and can't smell my own sweat and I've got a very bad sense of smell so everyone in the room probably knows I smell bad too, worse thing is that I can't do anything about it, I already shower everyday before school but it doesn't even make a dent, it's unavoidable, irritates me to no end and probably also annoys every that's in a 2km radius of me. I've tried everything, I've been shaving my arm pits for 2 years, nothing, I've tried wearing very light cothing outside, still sweating! I've tried being basically naked around the house, guess what's watering! Ironically it's better in summer because not only does it do something when it's activated, I have air conditioning in the summer so it's usually cold enough for me to sweat and if I do everyone else is as well so it isn't as socialy detrimental, when you start sweating like a pig in the middle of a random ass class in mid november tho? Yeah that'll do it. I'm not even worried about my social status, I've acknowledged it'll all go to the shitter after coming out anyway so there's no point in caring, it annoys ME, I can't bear it anymore, I need a solution. I want to be pretty and smell good, how am I expected to do that if I start sweating the moment I step off the shower because there's still steam in the cramped ass bathroom. I'll ask my sister if she's found a workaround because I would bet she has it too, I've seen her carry a roll-on deodorant everywhere maybe that's her solution? That's not a solution tho that's an annoying-ass remedy at best...

Tag 96, 23/11/2024

Got a solid confidence boost today, some geezer out on the streets asked me if I was some girl he was buying something from thru facebook marketplace, so I guess I passed, I was outside to sell an old pair of boots that doesn't fit me anymore and the guy I sold them to seemed confused when I started talking (I used my deep voice because I assumed my mom told him I was her son, not daughter or something else) so I guess I passed to that guy too! I remembered to write this down cuz I saw a reddit post while doomsearching on google where someone was asking stuff about passing (not the classic "do I pass" but like a list of questions and concerns) and I clicked on her profile because someone in the comments mentioned she looked cis and holy shit I was so jealous for a good 10 minutes there, she looked cis but not like f1nnster where he's hot and passes but like ordinary 7/10 human being if you can decypher that. God I'm weird. Anyways so yeah that was my day up until now, feeling bad for not showing up to the bash 2 days ago, I haven't touched mud in a while, I'm gonna blame my general mental state this month but I know it's a cope and I'm just addicted to valorant. I have like 70 euros in my junior bank account thing and I don't know what to do with them because I know for a fact that I won't ever reach the 250-ish I need for the bass and amp (obssesion of the day) but I've also not found anything else to spend them on, since I haven't come out yet I'm still using male clothes on a day to day basis, and most likely will even after coming out you'd be surprised to find there isn't much of a difference between introvert girl outfits and regular ass guy outfits, at least in my sorry excuse of a wardrobe. I could buy music, I've been eyeing the Currents album by Tame Impala for a while, wouldn't say it's my album of the year but it's up there, some weezer stuff would be nice, not much alt rock in my parents' collection so I can't just steal their old records for it like I have with other stuff, bocchi album would be nice if it wasn't so damn expensive... That one fusion-jazz one could be a good pick, it's good for bg music and standalone listening and it's only like 20€ in cd form, it's expensive for a cd but it's fine, I love every song on it so it's worth it in my eyes. Some DeMarco could also be cool, I still love his music even after the hyperfixation phase ended like 2 months ago, his salad days album in vynil could be good, it's much more consistent than '2' (which I've got in CD), I could also take a jump of faith and buy an album I haven't listened to yet but I'm not one to do that for some reason. Heard his 'this old dog' album was good, if I find it for 8€ I might pick it up at a local record store, they have loads of DeMarco stuff even though he's not all too popular here.

Tag 95, 22/11/2024

Well it's definetly friday now, cool ig. Everywhere in Europe BUT where I live is getting snow, all I'm getting is lousy wind that makes me want to DIE! I hate having my whole face exposed because I don't think I pass with full 5head showing so everytime the wind blows away my face-cover I went super anxious and nervous and all of a sudden I have enough energy to kill someone, it sucks and makes me feel like bocchi in that one scene where her friends try to style her hair and she dies of cringe. Thinking of coming out today after school through the group chat, might tell mark if I find a moment to tell him. Feeling confident for some reason, really shouldn't be I've been sad for a week, I guess it's nice. I've started to make noises (like 'uhh', 'hmm' and 'mhm') in my girl voice just to kinda ease it in, mom doesn't seem to even notice, dad neither and I've done it in front of him, I even slipped up one time and you could hear my voice changing from the 'hmm's to the actual words because I've been very careless using this, it just comes out naturally now. It kinda sucks I lost my deep girl voice as suddenly as I got it but hey, it's fine, I'll get it back one day. I guess it would help looking up online courses for this and not just wing it forever, I think I'd end up bailing tho so I don't see it as viable... God I just remembered I've still got to do the outfits page, I probably would've done it by now if I had a full-height mirror but I don't, my mom's is too short (I can literally only see my legs in it) and my sister's is only torso-height and in her room (which I can't just acces willy-nilly). Man if only I had a room that could fit a mirror, I'd just buy one from ikea and be done with it, maybe get a blähaj while at it, but I can't I haven't got room for myself let alone a me-sized mirror, my local cheap clothes shop is also just not selling anything interesting so I haven't an excuse to wander in and check myself out in the fitting room for an hour (they have mirrors that are 2 meters tall and let you look behind yourself it's awesome I love seeing my good features (my ass and my thighs).

Tag 94, 19/11/2024

I want this week to be over so baddddd I fucking NEEED the anitboyotics. My voice changed today, like I could still get it to be girly but not in the same way I used to do it, I kinda hate it because the deep girl voice is harder now but it's still doable-ish. I'm so happy with my face all of a sudden too, I hate that I work like this but like my idea of passing changes depending on my mood and occasionally it's cool like right now but when it isn't ooff. Anyways, yeah I'm still listening to the same song, idk why either it just speaks to me for some reason. I'm getting skinnier btw I'm happy about that, post-lunch weight was at 92kg, so I guess it's a bit less after I've digested it all, I still have a noticeable belly tho... I wanna get rid of it so badly, I'll try to fix my bike up tomorrow, it's the perfect weather outside for biking rn.

Tag 93, 17/11/2024

I'm still fundamentally sad but I think I'm starting to dig my way out of it, It makes me happy seeing myself in the mirror and seeing myself as a woman, I guess I pass (at least with myself)! That same damn song from 3 days ago with that album cover is still blasting out of my earphones, it's like a weezer song if Rivers Cuomo spent too much time on 4chan as a kid. I've been trying to channel this sadness of mine into a few songs, I'm still out of ideas for lyrics which is bad because I've already got 5 instrumentals that sound relatively good, the only thing I'm missing is drums or bass (and maybe a lead synth for one of them), sad thing is that due to my musical incompetence none of the songs make any sense theoretically so making things for them in fl studio is a pain due to my off-beatness when playing, maybe I should try to recreate the chord shapes I use in fl studio and digitize the entire process, maybe then I could also tweak it a bit and get rid of the annoying open strings I'm too bad to get rid of. I've also re-cracked photoshop and made a few album covers, I like them, problem is that the photo I use has got my province's medieval shield on it and that'd doxx me pretty hard so I'm debating if I should release it under a different name, I've got so many online personae at this point that it's hard to keep track of them all, back when I was juggling neocities sites I would often post comments from the wrong account or copy paste code into the wrong pages, it was a bit of a hussle. I don't even know why I make so many online personae it's like I'm addicted to being new to a community, either that or I'm not happy with myself and end up deleting 'myself' in favour of another self. It's a bit weird to explain. I can't wait to get a bass this christmas, I'm itching to learn something new. I've got this VERY adhd-esque trait were I can learn the basics of something in a matter of hours but then burn out and loose the ability to follow that knowledge up with deeper stuff. I don't know why I'm not diagnosed with adhd tbh it'd make a shit ton of sense and I've heard adderall turns you into a god (I watched the Jaiden animations vid) so it'd definetly be interesting but I might as well stick to focusing on getting hrt first, I can't wait for that meeting I'm so excited to finally have someone tangible understand me, online support can only go so far, especially with my detachment issues detailed above... Yeah if this site dissapears one day with no explanation don't be surprised.

Tag 92, 16/11/2024

The good news just keep on piling up! My mom told my dad I had been scheduled for a meeting at the clinic and he didn't take it well, at all. He said he wouldn't participate in whatever the fuck we were doing, he'd support me legally by signing but (as I understood it) will deadname and misgender me for the rest of his life. I'm fine with it, years of bullying have made me grow thick skin. As long as he signs I'm fine with whatever the fuck he's cooking up in that highly classified mind of his. On a more positive note: My mom is talking about retiring in a few years, she'll live off unemployment subsidies for a while and eventually retire with a pretty good salary relatively early (she's in her 60's), this is good news because she's talked about moving to somewhere outside the big cities when retired, most likely to this town at the edge of our province, that's also pretty near the hamlet her parents were from (where we celebrate medieval events n stuff sometimes). It sounds pretty good! For like 600€ a month we could live in a good apartment/house, so I could finally have a proper room, not the glorified goblin cubicle I'm working with rn. It won't be as nice as living in the province capital but internet in the countryside has come a long way and the other services I'd say are better because there isn't as much bureaucracy involved. Being a smaller town with nothing but new people would also have the benefit for me to live freely without having to bump into anyone that's known me long enough to remember me being a guy. Honestly it sounds so good, it's not the scandinavian escapade of my dreams but it's a start, and a good one at that! It isn't THAT small so I could probably even find people to play music with if I become more social post transition (which I really hope happens). Anyways the guests are here gtg.

Tag 91, 15/11/2024

Man I'm kinda sad... I just thought of how much of my life I missed out on by roleplaying being someone else... I feel kinda frustrated that I just didn't experience my most important years as myself. I'll be fine I hope, this thought hadn't occured to me yet for some reason, took an album cover to form it and it HAD to be a 'guilt' artist (this song, og artist has talked about liking loli). Fuck my life. I should be happy, I've got every reason to be happy, my voice is making progress and actually sounds good and deep but girly just like I've always wanted it, the trans clinic told my mom I'm scheduled for a meeting with my new gender psychiatrist later this month, I should be jumping in place of joy and I had to ruin it for myself again. I know I've got 70 years of life ahead of me but they always say it's the first 15 that are most important, well gues what! This girl has spent 16 and counting as a guy and is now desperately trying to claw her way back into her own life. I want to cry but I can't, I'm physically uncapable of crying, it makes me want to cry how little I've felt of everything around me it's like I've only been seeing half the picture this entire time. I bet this will eventually sizzle out as I make a name for myself outside of "that one guy in the family that decided one day to cut his dick off", I want to leave all of this behind, all of this baggage, all of these lost years spent working against myself and not having the knowledge to fight it. I just want to be myself... I want to be a bassist in some band in some silly little country in northern europe, I want to make money off making videogames or art or music or hell a normal fucking job, anything but staying here, anything but having to be reminded by everything that I'm not what I want to be. I want people to see me for who I am but I can't even tell them something is wrong because my anxiety, fear and father are all holding me back. I want to live alone, not have to talk to anyone if I don't want to, not have to share the same awfully small toilet, not have to hear my dad's pointless political commentary everytime I'm trying to eat, not have anyone burst into my room and ruin what little privacy I have all the damn time, I want to decorate stuff, I want my environment to represent and welcome me, I want to be myself.

Tag 90, 14/11/2024

So uhhh it's going well ig. Got on bluesky yesterday, nice social media tbh, people are actually nice and respectful and just having fun with this 2014 ahh attitude. Since my ssd died I've lost my entire iTunes library which sucks, thankfully I kept most of my audio files in a separate folder in a different drive, for safe keeping. I guess I'll never learn to make backups regularly tho, last backup I have is from july because I never seem to find the time to make a backup, it just takes so damn long!! I have to backup hunderds of gigabites of data from one slow hdd to another and it sucks. gonna have to get over it tho, don't want to go losing more data. Been thinking of getting earrings, they might be a bit of a very big step, given that I haven't even worn traditionally female clothing around my family yet, but hey, some men have earrings too! Some goober in my class (guess who) has hello kitty earrings and its funny as shit. I think I'm my own worst enemy because everytime I look in the mirror I see different things it's like my own perception of myself is slightly skewed towards whatever I'm feeling like and if I'm sad you betcha I'm gonna fixate on those eyebrows of mine. They aren't even that bad, my dad's are bigger and even fictional characters meant to look pretty have bigger eyebrows (yeah I've been playing so much valorant I know everyone's eyebrows, and killjoy's are massive lol). I'm approaching 100 blog posts in under what? 5 months? Is that good or bad, idk, I do know that it means I'm getting old because holy shit summer was 3 months ago. I hate that I'm leaving behind the whole "music highlights" feature of the site but I just can't be bothered to copy paste it I'm lazy like that. Not to mention I haven't made new artist pages in forever... October flew by way too fast I'm getting disoriented and lazy.

Tag 89, 12/11/2024

I've gotten my puter to a usable state, I'm still missing tons of programs but I'll install them when I need them ig, this 'reset' has made me realise just how little of my computer I actually use, as soon as I had firefox on it I was just watching videos and totally not pirated House md episodes again like normal, then I installed valorant and played a few rounds with Clove because they're a pretty cool character too! It's kinda weird how I literally play and aim worse when playing characters designed to get kills but as soon as I pick a support role I start top-scoring it's crazy. Shame I lost 2 games and am now back to bronze 1... valorant is a surprisingly fun game seeing as I've been burned out of playing shooters since cs2's release back in 2023, fuck that feels wrong "back in 2023" that's like 2 years ago now shit. I feel like I'e aged a shit ton but my age number hasn't changed, I feel like I've been 16 forever it's crazy, it's like all of my character development happened in like 2 months, I guess it makes sense, transing and all, when I began that headache factory I was 15 damn, not as early as some but definetly earlier than is usual. Sucks I took this long to actually stick with it.

Tag 88, 11/11/2024

My mom is the best. The talk went very well. We sat down at this nearby park while walking the dog and I told her my desires pretty bluntly because there really isn't any other way to say it. She understood my reasons but told me we should follow the process of waiting for a therapist, I told her I couldn't wait that long but there really isn't anything she can do about it. I told her about how hrt makes you feel emotions more freely and she didn't quite understand the conecpt at first, neither do I to be honest, we figured it out together by recalling memories and their attached emotions it was a very cool conversation. She also told me about my dad a bit, saying that she thinks he's waiting for me to forget about this whole thing, guess he's convinced that I'll "turn back to normal" sooner rather than later. This is troubling because then he won't agree to any physical changes, like hrt. We can sit him down and explain to him that this isn't a phase that'll blow over but he's so stubborn I bet he'd find a way to win the debat with 'facts and logic'. The more I learn about this "dad" guy he seems more and more like a bit of an asshole, doesn't help he's on twitter all day and echos shit he sees on there all the time at lunch. I love my family structure so much. While I've been hating myself and my family lately I've been getting back heavy into guitar so expect an ep or something soon-ish!

Tag 87, 10/11/2024

So what's the deal with this air tube thing in my neck? Well let's just say I've learned to live with it recently. Yesterday, the same day I was embarassed and wanted to die because I saw a small adam's apple on my neck on an omegle copycat, I managed to get a voice I was so happy with I actually considered soldiering on through the obvious shitstain that is the neck bulge (it is common misinformation that girls don't have adam's apple... even though they do, look up miley cirus ffs). I loved the voice so much I recorded it on my phone, I usually don't do that for some reason (I really should given how volatile everything is rn). it was the deep-yet-girl voice (tm) that I had been hoping to arrive at, I guess it makes sense that my early girl voices were pitched down due to the throat enlargening thing (or whatever the fuck happened, I'm just a nerd that watches House M.D.) making them sound lower but still girly. I like it. But there goes the plan of being stealth, I've always had the idea that once I get all the hrt's and surgeries I'd just never tell anyone what happened the first 20 years of my life but now I kinda don't see it, not like I'd feel good never letting people know what half my life was like, I just feel like it'd push normal people away, specially with the growing right-wing sentiments in the entirety of Europe, which is specially among people my age (it's so over transbros), and I know it sounds bad but I don't want to be constrained to only talking with other lgbtq+ folk I mean I'm fine with it but it's such a small pool of people compared to the entirety of the rest of the world I can't imagine never being able to meet people outside of it. So how's your day going?

Tag 86, 8/11/2024

I'm just not having a good few days am I? Yesterday was actual mental hell, it was exhausting getting through it. School went fine but as soon as I arrived my mom told me that I'd have to go out of town to buy something, fucking up my existing plans of fixing the bike once and for all. I couldn't get out of it though, if I didn't go today I'd have to go on monday. SO begrudgingly I accompanied my mom to her workplace and she bought me a coffee on the way there. While drinking the coffee I mentioned to her I had gotten invited to a coding competition thing by my teacher, she was over the moon with it and told me to accept, to be honest I don't know why I'm not specially excited by it, it'd make my resume a lot sturdier and if my team wins we go to the USA to compete in an even bigger league. Seems like the opportunity of a lifetime doesn't it? Well I still have to let my brain sink that in I guess... The real reason this day was bad is that I don't like my voice and my girl voice has deteriorated a shit ton with the cold a few weeks back, months of progress have gone down the drain and now I'm back to not wanting to say anything. This has obviously made me very sad, I don't like my voice, not to mention that I think my man hormones are getting ready to perform yet another crusade on my unsuspecting poor body, my throat is DEFINETLY growing an adam's apple now (I don't want that, that fucks up everthing and might just be the reason I can't recover my voice), my body hair is growing faster than before, I hate this all so much I can't put it into words. I need puberty blockers or hrt or something, whatever it is I need it fucking NOW, actually I needed it 2 MONTHS AGO! It's been 3 months since august, aka my peak femeninity, and I feel like I'm very much screwed. I need to ring up the clinic or something and tell them this because I am genuinely going downhill very fast, I didn't even attend the weekly bash I'm so fucked up. And I'm meant to come out before christmas?! With this deep of a voice?!!??! I've lost all the motivation to do anything, I spend my evenings doing nothing but listen to music and cry internally, and not externally because my hormones are keeping me away from my emotions which SUCKS, I WANT TO FEEL EMOTIONS, I WANT TO BE A HUMAN, THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO GO

Tag 85, 7/11/2024

Tonight wasn't fun. I will now transcribe something I wrote in my notes app at 1am. "I've done it again, I've looked at her picture once more. What is it about her that intrigues me so profusely? She isn't specially pretty, her features are underwhelming, she noticeably didn't shower as often as you should, what is there that my brain sees that I am blind to? What is this feeling I feel every time I see her picture and mine. Is it dysphoria? Regret? Jealousy? Is what I feel due to her capability of looking femenine while not exactly trying? Her voice wasn't femenine either she had quite the deep voice, something I still can't decided if I envy or simply admire from a distance. Why do I keep on obsessing over this person I haven't seen in 6 months and will likely never see again? I barely knew her, we didn't have a single conversation, only a mutual friend whom we talked to at the same time without even trying to talk to each-other. It doesn't make sense and that disturbs me to no end. For her sake and mine I genuinely wish I don't bump into her, ever. But if a genie could grant me a wish, I'd wish to be like her." never have I ever wanted the earth to swallow me whole more than right now. Making this public feels like a humiliation ritual with no reward for me, this is my most morally dubious thing ever. I hate how I've treated this whole ass person as nothing but an image on my dashboard. And still my idea of her bounces around my head aimlessly, eventually hitting a corner and making me feel like shit for hours. The last 2 sentences really do sum it up, I wish I could forget the thoughts I've had around this person, thoughts that happened just because her aesthetic was exactly what I (or more likely, my dad's idea of 'I') was hiding myself from turning into. She really is just like a goal in my head, she represents this idea I have of myself of a calm, mysterious, introverted girl just living life under laissez-faire. More than representing me she represents a part of me, a sub-personality of sorts. The personality that takes the reigns when it's 7pm, there's nothing going on but the speakers singing jazz and I get the inspiration to draw soemthing. God I hate this post but if it weren't for posts like these this shit would accumulate in my head and blow my head up. It is why this blog exists, I guess.

Tag 84, 6/11/2024

Yesterday I modeled a record player because I'm trying to make my dream room as a vrchat map (I'll probably stop working on it after making 2 more pieces of furniture, I know myelf well). It just kinda happened to appear in my head the other day so I started the project in unity, remade my vrchat password for the 100th time (I keep forgeting it) and got to work getting sidetrcked by a cool youtube video. Yesterday I did setup the model and painstakingly textured it by hand using blenders shitty off-grid texture painting tools (why tf doesn't it unwrap the uv so it lines up with the pixels on the canvas istg I'm gonna end up unwrapping it by hand at this point) and I also made some basic terrain using a tool my teacer showed me how to use a few weeks back, also I fought with the asset store (website version SUCKS) to get a cool skybox up and running. I tried to test the map out but as soon as I put the headset on I just got the urge to play something else and ended up not testing the map, instead fighting with vrchat so my avatar lined up with my body, also fighting with my left hand controller because it started developing stick drift but only in vrchat (it worked on the oculus menu thing fine), also also was fighting the incessant heat in my room because it's november but the temperatures are still the same as they were in september so I had to turn on a fan... 1 MONTH BEFORE CHRISTMAS (I'm moving to norway or finland asap I was not built for this shittt). Anyways, during my playtime (which was cut short by my computer giving up at rendering more than 3 people at once) I encountered so much cursed shit it was insane, I've been playing vrchat for years but never have I seen ACTUAL E-SEX in vr I haven't left a world so fast in my life, how is this allowed?!? Everyone was downright flabbergasted there was this guy that had been jokingly sniffing people's feet and he was so surprised the mf dropped the goblin voice and started screaming. As disturbing as it was to see 2 people in their prime waste hours in a public lobby making it look and sound like they were engaging in intercourse everyone's reactions were kinda funny, I wish I had stayed a bit longer and just looked away. As bad as my computer runs vrchat (which is insane btw my computer was just the best 4 years ago and now it can't run a vr game from 2016) I still have so many things I want to do in it, the ability to create worlds and avatars is just perfect for me and my dysphoria and shitty irl room. I remember that I got into vrchat thanks to this youtuber "BrandonFM" or something he was called, he made 3 documentaries on disgusting ass people that played the game and did very disturbing things in it, and you may wonder, "isn't that like the antithesis of an ad?", and you're right I should've stayed away from the game after seeing that but some of the visuals he used, mainly a scene were an avatar's back was visible and it stayed fixed in place as different worlds apeared around it, it opened something in me, some explorative spirit, that just wanted to see all of those different planets and houses and people, it was such an effective way to demonstrate what virtual reality trully has the power to do. I remember I tried to put this into words in an earlier site I was the webmisstress of but it came off very bad and inconsistent as my writing ability was just the worst back just a year or two. Anyways so that was that, nice long blog post, until my life crashes and burns again, xiao hong shuu!!

Tag 83, 3/11/2024

Had an interesting dream today. I woke up in my bed as normal and got out of my room to the hallway, in this part of the hallway there are 3 doors, my sister's room, my room and the bathroom (the bedrooms on one side and bathroom on the other). I then for some reason asked if my sister could check if I had a vagina (I don't know either), she did and turns out I did have one, she commented on its size comparing it to some sort of nut. Then my mom said something (she was in the bathroom putting on makeup) and then I woke up. Yeah what the fuck? I mean it was cool I guess, dunno why I couldn't check myself tho. I also half remember touching it at some point in the dream but I can't really put my finger on it. Yeah... I've had weirder dreams before ig. If it had been longer I might've gotten to actuall seeing it, I didn't look down at any point, probably because my brain doesn't know what that would look like unfortunately. Anyways, tomorrow I go back to school... Still presenting as a guy. I really did have a golden shot here... Maybe I can do it during winter break? That's so far away tho... I'm still sick as well but getting steadily better, awesome that I'm going to be fine right in time for school to start but too late to enjoy a 4 day weekend, I love my life so much!

Tag 82, 2/11/2024

Probably won't fix the bike today, head still hurts like hell every time I move or change position... My sister and I just had a very insightful conversation, apparently she's gone through most of the stuff I have, seeing as my dad's behind it all. When I say most I mean everything besides the whole gender thing; The mask while socialising, the isolation, the annoyance at my dad's inability to speak his mind (outside pointless political debates with the television), fucking everything. She's told me the best way to turn this around is to do something outside home, turns out that her never being home is a strategic decision. I guess finding a job fills that but until then I'm going to try to find things to do, hanging out with mark is an option if I get the slightest bit closer to him I bet he'd be nice to hang around but he'd be such a bad influence he'd probably get me addicted to ciggarettes within a week, biking is my bestest option and would also thin me down, I'd love to play guitar with other people but I fear I'm either too awkward, anxious or bad at it (or all of the above). Life is such a mess, I guess that's why Femtanyl appeals to me lately, her songs literally sound like how my life is going if that makes any sense. Sis said my dad is likely holding himself back by not telling me anything, that he's fucked up serious conversations with her so many times that he's given up on ever having one with me. Troubling, at the very least. Everyday I get to know him better, and I have to say I'm not liking what I'm seeing. My mom also told me it was kinda her fault how he acts, saying she spoiled him rotten staying with him when she wasn't happy at all with his behaviour. I didn't know what to reply to that so I just didn't. Looks like I'm not the only mentally unwell person in this damned shithole-household. This really can't end well, can it?

Tag 81.5, 1/11/2024

Two double blog posts in two days that's how you know I've been alone with my thoughts for far too long. I thought of something just now while eating dinner with my mum and sister, I remembered that I'm not the only lgbt person in the family. There's this other family that's so close to mine it's basically like my dad's replacement family (he cut us off to his side of the family if u don't remember) and they've got a daughter that came out as a lesbian some time ago (maybe 3-ish years? I can't remember, she's like 20), she's got a girlfriend and everything now. While I think that I should ask her for help on coming out I also think I won't ever do it and if I did do it it wouldn't really bring me that much... I mean yeah insight into how to come out to a very similar environment to mine would be useful but I've already come out to my family, my own stupidity is the only thing holding me back right now. I've also never really interacted with them on a deep enough level to open up about my biggest issue right now, I don't even know if she would have an answer for my dad's silent treatment, both her parents and siblings were supportive from day one. It's food for thought, maybe I'll reach out to her when I want my dad's friends to know given that we meet them every now and then. One thing that's nagging on my mind right now is my mum's quest to get a conversation out of me. She's probably worried about my mental health, rightfully so, but I'm not really doing anything weird from my pov, I've never really talked at the dinner table, mostly because my dad always drowns out any conversation, now that he's gone for a few I guess she expected to hear more from me and keeps on telling me to stop being quiet all the time, how to tell her I hate the voice they're used to hearing? How to tell her I don't talk because I simply don't get anything from talking? Is it that foreign of a concept for an extrovert?? Whatever, she'll hear me eventually. Being sick has done a number on my voice training for sure but today my throat was kinda fine so I was able to practice a bit more on valorant, still got headaches tho, bottom scored 3 games in a row because I couldn't think right. Probably shouldn't be playing action games while sick, obviously. Also my mic was very obnoxious because I've been struck by the thundering nuisance of the acute mouth-breather syndrome, having my nose clogged up all the damned time. I'm kinda high energy tonight, not planning on going to sleep late but I guess I'll see what happens, I never ended up recording that second song I wanted to on guitar... Might do that and fuck around with the bass synths a bit till I get a good line.

Tag 81, 1/11/2024

November already, aye? As christmas approaches I'm getting kinda worried about family events, there are like 7 days in every christmas holidays throughout december where my family goes and has a giant meeting at someone's house. Why am I worrying about this? Because I have to come out someday of course! While I honestly don't expect to get hate from them it still worries me, it's kinda like with school, my rational side says it's all gonna be fine but for some reason all of my other sides are ignoring it for some reason. I'm still a bit sick so I can't go outside, if I'm okay tomorrow or this evening I'll try and get my bike fixed so I can go bike around the mountains or something. I really want to do that, I've wanted to do that for ages, I'm just lazy apparently. Also a worry I've been having these 2 days that I've been obsessively looking at mirrors is that my puberty isn't over fucking me up yet, I keep noticing an adam's apple forming on my neck and even though it might just be paranoia I really don't want it to go any further... But since I still haven't got a gender therapist assigned I can't ask for puberty blockers or hrt which I understand but would be way better if there were more than 2 therapists in a nation-wide organization... There are 2 people serving ~10 million citizens that's just insane. Things aren't exactly looking up for me but hey that's life sometimes, at least school's going well accademically, I only get 90s and 80s (/100). "It could be worse" I tell myself every damn second but somehow it feels unfair that everything is this bad to begin with. ChatGPT (yeah I'm still using it) says my dad's treatment of me is unfair and I don't know why it shocked me so much that it used that word specifically, because it's absolutely right. But anyways that's it from me, at least I'll have money in a bit.

Tag 80, 31/10/2024

Happy scary day everyone! It's been shit so far for me ngl. We don't celebrate halloween where I'm at and I woke up with the worst fever & cold combo in a while, my immune system is goated usually but it slipped up just in time for my extended weekend, lovely. I hope I'm free of this mouth breather's curse by tomorrow it sucks. What also sucks is having no confidence what-so-ever and guess what? Even though this is probably the best opportunity to come out to my school I'll get in a while I'm letting it slip through my fingers because I just can't bring myself to tell some people I met a week ago about the biggest thing(tm) that has happened in my life up to this point... Aren't humans awesome? Don't you just love to be one? Fuck.... Done nothing today but look at youtube videos and suffer, not to mention the absolute state of my voice, my girl voice register or whatever you call it is literally just mute, when I try to do my best voice nothing comes out and it's getting on my damned nerves I hate my voice so much. Doesn't help that the cold's making it even deeper... This is trully not a poggers moment. yeah that's all I got for today, it's kinda insane I just booted up my pc so late in the day it's usually already on at like 1 pm (I'm a bit of a pc-addicted mess if you couldn't tell by my extensive blog you're reading). Also my dad's gone for the entire extended weekend (until monday or tuesday, he's gone pretty far) which is nice, if I had the physical ability to do anything with that fact it would be nicer...

Tag 79, 30/10/2024

Well shit mighty, my week of voice perfection has finally caught up to me at the worst time imagineable, I know this sounds like an excuse to pussy out but I assure you dear reader it isn't. I was hyped. Now I'm debating what to do, the main reason I wanted Mark to know first is because he's such a chill guy but I don't think I'll find the time to tell him otside school, he does so many things in the evening I don't know when's a good time to send him a serious ass message, I don't wanna ruin the guy's 7th evening party y'know? Well shit now I've got a decision to make, tell him and not get an answer for days or send it to the group chat and pray I don't get bullied for being different. Tbh I don't fear bullying because it's pretty clear from what I've seen that basically everyone used to be bullied in class so I don't think they'd go out of their way to fuck me over. Besides I think I'm pretty liked by everyone. I'm more scared of isolation but I really shouldn't. Even if people leave me behind because I'm wearing clothes they don't like it's not like I need friends I've gone without for ages...

Tag 78.5, 29/10/2024

So I did a thing. After seeing someone use ChatGPT as a psychiatrist somewhere I decided to try it out and holy shit is it good. While its solutions might be a bit off due to a lack of context they set a good path forward, something I VERY much need. I talked with it so much I reached my daily limity (I didn't even know such a thing existed for ChatGPT). It told me to try to speak with someone outside of my home environment about the trans thing and trust them to tell the people at my school for example. On the topic of school; It all seems so easy now, surprisingly the "bold move" strategy I was told could work ChatGPT said was solid, so now I'm actually considering it. More so due to a game of UNO I played today, half the class got together to play UNO and I have to say I felt so comfortable with those people I could've told them right then and there (but alas I didn't). Tomorrow's the last day of the week because of some national holiday so I'm considering wearing something that's obviously femenine or speaking with my girl voice (which is actually so good rn I'm on a hot streak, for like a week I've only used my girl voice when I'm alone on when I'm whispering and it has payed off). I probably won't though, it'd be too big of a cliffhanger for people to bear. Maybe I could send a message in the class' whatsapp group? That seems like AN idea and given that I'm too scared to tell anyone directly it might pay off! Let me ask ChatGPT hol up... it says it'd be good because of the distance it'd give me and the time it'd give them, what I don't know is how to write the message, it did make an example for me but I think a shorter "yo so like I'm trans" might be more effective because we're young and a more drawn out message might put people off reading it (because let's be honest, "I ain't readin' allat" is the predominant response to long texts nowadays). It sounds very good but I feel like I should tell Mark first in person to kinda gauge the general reaction of the average guy. It's not an all boys school but there are no girls in my class (which is pretty sad ngl), I would've tried to make friends with them if there were but I also have never had friendships with women since I was little so I don't know how that could've gone... Sounds like a plan! I'll try to pull Mark aside tomorrow at the lunch break and explain it to him. I think he suspects something, it was kinda strange how he mentioned he had trans friends, maybe he smelled it? Did he think I was ftm?? I have gotten that sometimes online... This situation is so new to me I'm geuninely lost, but hey, it sounds like a plan! I hope I don't pussy out because I'm very prone to doing that.

Tag 78, 29/10/2024

Thank GOD my hair is good today, laundry was due for weeks and my mom stole my only 2 good hoodies to clean them (I do clean them but in the weekends because they're pretty much the only things I like to be seen in). Thanks to my awesome hair I've been able to pull off a boyish fit and still feel good about my femininity. Some old blue jacket, an oversized tee and black tight-ish pants are the way to go. I also look kinda cool in the jeacket because I'm tall and menacing and the submissive look most of my outfits have doesn't really fit my height (not like I'll stop wearing them lol I love em). Also yesterday I painstakingly shaved my oversized thighs, for some reason the hair there just doesn't come off as easy as anywhere else, even with a new razor. Oh and yeah I bought razors and went a bit off script by actually talking to the cashier (in my girl voice), I think it went well but then again I am autistic as fuck sometimes. On a more bad news note I don't know how to come out to the rest of my family, I'm pretty attached to my mom's side of the family but on my dad's side... well let's just say he's an asshole to everyone and cut us off of his family because "something" happened between them (which according to my mom is that my grandpa was abusive in some way and he didn't feel protected by my grandma... in the 1960's... My dad is very old). I kinda get that he wouldn't want to be around his dad but the rest of the family haven't done anything to deserve this, they were probably abused as well, specially grandma and the worst thing is that she's dying now and he won't even visit her out of either guilt, bitterness, laziness or all three. Anyways, about me, me & me; My mom's side of the family I bet is going to be MOSTLY fine (one guy [married to my cousin] is VERY conservative so idk how he'd react, he's also got a kid with my cousin which he could turn against me [he's already turned him against the entire family's political beliefs, so he isn't exactly got the best reputation]), my dad's family I genuinely don't know. I don't know them enough to really gauge their reactions. No one's said anything about my outfits yet tho and I've gone to visit my grandma (with some of my aunts present) in my normal not-manly-at-all(tm) outfits.
On a completely different note, I came across this "femtanyl" artist and holy shit my ears weren't prepared. It's like breakcore but not at all and also drugs and a lot of screaming, it was right up my alley at the moment so I even considered buying her 'chaser' album on bandcamp (she's transfem btw and occasionalyl makes lyrics about it). She's also on tour in canada right now and holy shit I'm starting to envy americans, none of the artists I like atm are european or plan on coming to Europe so ig one more for the pile... Mac DeMarco hasn't done concerts (that I know of) in ages, most of my European obsessions are f-ing dead.. The struggle of the non-american american listener is real, I'd be better off liking k-pop at this point.

Tag 77, 27/10/2024

I wasn't gonna make a blog post about this, just a passing site comment thing, but the more I look into it the weirder it is. Basically there's this teacher at my new school he's like a semi-old semi-young dude, he teaches computer building stuff and I'm kinda weirded out by him. I might be coming on strong here but fr I feel like he's trynna groom me, mf is always around me while we're all working on one of his 20 pages slideshow assignments, he tries to talk to me about stuff I do which would be fine if he also did it with others but he doesn't... i. e. My laptop has a piece of paper on the back because it's crap and that lets me personalise it a bit, I draw small political statements on there, dumb shit like "linux inside & armed" or "Stratocasters > Les Paul", and he's commented about every single one of those, asking what they mean and stuff... He's also commented on my use of an iPod but that's more normal because you don't see that everyday ig. It just feels weird when he talks to me yknow? It feels forced as shit. I don't know if I'm just his favourite student or something, I get good grades and know a lot about his class but I don't really put in any effort... Also for the first like 4 weeks of class whenever he passed attendence and called my name he used to look at the other side of the class instead of where I was seated, consistently, idk what the deal was with that still, this is a very far-reaching reach, I think it's because my pfp on the app they use to do attendence is a photo in which I pass a lot (I'm very proud of it so I use it everywhere and if anyone says anything like "bro you look like a girl here" I always just have plausible deniability on my side) and so that contrasts a lot with my normal everyday state (very rough hair, no makeup or cream, pitch black eyebags, you get the deal, I'm a sleep deprived student tf am i meant to do lol). idk it's just something weird I've noticed, I don't wanna call him out or anything it's just weird and I kinda needed to have it on record just in case.
This Blog post is going to be fucking massive but to light the mood up I'm going to talk about my day! My parents went out of town yesterday night because they had to pick something up somewhere deep in the country and left me and my sister to figure things out for a day. I walked the dog at night yesterday so she walked it today. I did a lot of stuff today, I found a very good outfit (the long skirt on my waist on top of a long red and black t-shirt), it looked so good on me I got the energy to give my mom a few surprises so I cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, set up the laundry machine so it'd be done when they'd arrive and cleaned the floor of the living room. I like doing housework, i enter this like flow state when paired with a good song. After all that I did homework and finished it all. Played some val because fuck it I've fullfiled my duties and other peoples' too today so I might as well enjoy a bit of online gaming (I didn't win a single game, I am now Bronze I). It's been a fun day, I'll make a good housewife one day lol. God this is a contrast compared to the top paragraph of this post, my mood be swinging like crazyy. Also voice training stuff, I basically didn't use my dying voice the entire day and since I talk to myself A LOT I got a lot of practice in and I gotta say my voice is getting so good I'm starting to be happy with it! It's insane how much of a difference it makes to have a voice that matches your inner monologue. Also I've listened to so much jazz and jazz fusion today it's crazy. I also came across something called 'Femtanyl' somehow, it's like breakcore but on drugs. I thought it was like a neat novelty... if I listened to 2 songs in a row my ear drums would just die of sensory overload.

Tag 76, 26/10/2024

Looks like it's going to be raining all day today, cool. Still not cold enough for me to stop sweating while doing literally nothing (I'm starting to think it's my pc, this is absurd). I changed over to an old discord account only to find an announcement on a minecraft server that saddened me a lot, specially having not seen it for like a month. Someone I used to play with on there who was very nice passed away, they didn't say why but I understand why they wouldn't exactly be ready to publish that, we didn't really know him personally. I stopped playing on that server ages ago (2-3 years ages ago) and it makes me feel bad I didn't interact with it. I can't bring myself to say anything on there, 3 weeks ago people were mourning his passing but now it's all just back to minecraft talk which is honestly just extra sad but I guess the world does keep turning. I feel so sad I started listening to jazz. I don't know how to continue this entry so auf wiedersiehen ig.

Tag 75, 25/10/2024

A blog post? In THIS economy?? Yeah... I haven't been posting daily because literally nothing is going on lately, also I'm in a bit of a sad-er season, I'm not brainfucking myself but it's not like I'm happy either. What little joy I get day-to-day is usually about my femeninity (which is also a sorce of woe depending on the moment so it's not reliable at all). I like to think I pass, like I've said many times before. Even with the slightest bit of makeup I look infinitely better than rn tho. I wish I knew how to apply it correctly and have it stick (I know how to put on eyelash mascara and foundation but the foundation always ends up coming off) I've seen vids that have people put some sort of powder on their makeup to make it stick? I either can't find it or straight up don't have it available and if I still can't regularly find the courage to walk into clothing stores imagine the alarms that'd crescendo were I to waltz into a makeup store (there's a sephora nearby but I'm VERY scared to even look at it from outside). Also I've recently developed a feeling that my chest area is too small? I never felt it before, I was content with having anything there at all tbh. I guess that since I'm finally losing weight again they're shrinking but I can't know for sure. God I want HRT it's like a necessity at this point, 25% of my brain is allocated at all times to just day dreaming in the background about how good it'd be. On a totally seperate note; Yesterday's bash in MUD II was very fun, for more details check out the mud page I wrote way too much. On a more related note: I'm still thinking how to come out to my school but my sturdiest plan at the moment is to tell Mark first (because he's clearly ok with it) and let him spread the word passively around. It's crazy how I haven't really come out to anyone but my mom and psychiatrist, for everyone else that knows the info was second-handed. Crazy how I'm so scared I get people to do my bidding for me instead of just ungrowing a pair and telling people straight up...

Tag 74, 23/10/2024

At school rn. Listeing to Seisyun Complex after finishing an activty an hour early (it was literally just making files in a Ubuntu vm). Over on SpaceHey I made a blog post a few days ago asking how to come out to my school and to my surprise I actually got responses. first one told me to contact the trans teacher which I said I'd do but to be honest I don't SEE see the point, it's a very different situation methinks. Second one tho, big money sanchez straight up told me to just not sweat it anymore and just 'dew it' basically, I told him twice I thought it was kinda too bold and he shot me down every time so now I'm actually considering showing up with my long skirt and makeup one day. I HIGHLY doubt I'll ever go through it, I say I'm worried I'll be alienated but let's be honest I'm scared for no reason, not to mention that I WANTED to be alienated back a few weeks ago. It's nothing new to me to interact more with teachers than students which yeah it's sad but it's way more productive knowledge-wise, I get to learn a lot and avoid conversations about whatever is trendy that hour. My friendship with Mark is steady, he sits next to me on just about every class now, it's still blitheringly obvious I'm more of a side-friend though, he only sits next to me cuz I help him. I'll continue this post (or not) later on in the day, I've got a lot on my mind and my plate atm.

Tag 73, 22/10/2024

3 awesome voice days... And counting! It's really uplifting, I have to say. Yesterday after finding an awesome voice I had the idea to record them but forgot immediately after, will have to do it today while I still remember what it sounded like. It was like a deep girl voice and while it wasn't perfect it was the best I'd ever gotten, even managed to sing some german songs without sounding like a beluga whale (don't ask). If only I could read japanese to sing Bocchi songs it's crazy how long they're sticking around in my head. It was a really good show after all, they gotta make a second season. Anyways so uhhh I don't know what else to talk about it has been a boring ass day. Byeee

Tag 72, 20/10/2024

Weather is back to shit, 24º tops today. It's fine I'll get over it, I'll just stay inside and not wear pants. Bocchi is still blasting out of my bookshelf speakers, it just sounds so good. Voice practice has had 2 awesome days, yesterday I tried my darndest to only speak in a girl voice (not with my family though, that's still weird even for me) and by the end of the day I got it sounding good! Not too high pitched but not too similar to my old voice. Today I woke up at 9 dying of laziness but pushed on regardless. Spoke to myself in girl voice and actually got it sounding VERY decent for morning voice standards, I think it's taking a toll on my throat tho, it isn't used to this and occasionally hurts on its own but it's worth it. Out of my family members I think my sister is the only one that even knows I'm practicing a girl voice, like I've said many times before my room is right next to her's, we share a paper thin wall worthy of an american suburbian house so it's reasonable to assume she knows of this whole thing. I talk to myself a lot, I've noticed it recently with this whole voice change thing, I literally think aloud and not even realise it until someone either complains or I hear someone nearby. It's weird but it's not too weird I'm fine with it tbh. Me and a group of "friends" are meant to pick up some guy at the airport (the one I said was possibly trans some time ago). They were planning on making a "pornhub gay casting" sign and waiting for him at the terminal which was honestly pretty funny but as expected no one said anything until today on the group chat and now everyone's dipping because they didn't make time for this or complaining because no one said anything (when they didn't either) and I'm trying to organise stuff with 2 of the people in the gc who were the ones to bring this up in the first place. Dare I to say we won't do it? He gets here at like 8pm and it's currently 2pm, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO! yeah we've still got time but I doubt anyone's going to really try to save this until the last hour or so (which will be too late because we're 2 hours away from the airport, thank you public transportation). I think I'm going to leave them to it this is literally just a stress fountain.

Tag 71, 19/10/2024

Weather did a U-Turn yesterday, FINALLY we're out of the 25º evenings period and into the 19º one. It's nice being able to put pants without sweating I gotta say. I'm still so obsessed with the Bocchi anime it's insane, it's all my brain wants to hear rn is just the OST. 'Ano Band' is definetly my favourite so far. Shame I can't really put them on my iPod because yt-mp3 converters aren't as easy to find nowadays. I might abandon the mountain trip idea, even if I think it'd be very fun to be out and about by myself (the idea also included wearing female clothes). 1 hour later because I forgot I had this open and I might have ADHD: I'm pretty confident I'll go to the mountain now, I really want to be by myself a bit, maybe not with female clothes tho... I'm worried I'll get cold with the skirt I was planning on wearing (it's long but it isn't as warm as pants), also if it gets dirty (which it most likely will because it's literally dirt paths up there) I don't really have a way of cleaning it... My mom *knows* I wear femenine clothes but she hasn't seen them yet aside from the shoulder-less shirt I keep wearing as a pijama (even in front of my dad, took me a bit to muster up enough courage to do that tho). I guess that it is kinda about time I get more serious about this, I guess I could start wearing the long skirt about, it's really nice to be around the house because it doesn't get in your way if you sit but looks awesome and covers your legs when standing (also it literally feels like a blanket because it's kinda thick I love it so much!). Well uhhhh I guess I'll keep you guys posted if anything wacky happens, I plan on just finding a spot to sit and sitting there trying to cook up some lyrics for Gottlos, might bring my guitar but since it's electric it won't make much sound and I can't work on finding a tone for the song (which it desperately needs because it's repetitive as fuck rn).

Tag 70, 18/10/2024

Binge watched the entirety of Bocchi The Rock! between today and yesterday night and HOLY SHIT. Best anime I've seen EVER. I've only really watched 3 animes though so it isn't that high of a bar (I watched attack on titan back in the day, then Lucky Star around november last year (coincidentally when the entire trans thing began lol) and then this one). I REALLY like it though, the music is insanely good, I'm listening to "that band" rn it's stuck in my head. it made me feel so jealous again tho I hate this feeling, I talked about it some days ago when talking about F1nnster... I still enjoyed the show regardless, it was too good to keep me down for too long! I related to a bit of Bocchi's character but not really... I don't seek people out believe it or not. I guess I'm more like Ryo in that aspect but the series doens't really show as much of her social life outside the band as I'd like so idk. Yesterday, after watching all episodes up to 8 (when the first concert at the club), I went to sleep feeling weirdly calm, like my brain had shut up for once. I felt so... complete? It was a weird feeling but it felt good so I was more confused than anything, I remember feeling determined to come out to my school acquantainces, didn't go through with that in the end though. Right now, ~16 hours after the fact, I feel like usual, maybe a bit more vindicated by this sudden wave of trans """pride""". I don't know how to describe it but I feel as though something good is to befall me, I might go to the mountain tomorrow, see if I come up with lyrics or something for Gottlos while there. Talking about Gottlos; I've perfected the rythm, issue is going to be deciding wether I want to learn how to make drums in fl studio to put them into the song or not, I've done bass before, poorly, but I have done bass before, also I could ask friends for help with the bass if I really wanted to, or hell buy myself a bass and learn that too. Maybe some synthesizer action? I feel like it'd be good in moderation. I've been listening to tame impala so much today it's crazy, especially this song "Disciples", it's the best one in the entire currents album, and it's a high bar that one!

Tag 69, 16/10/2024

So my mom told me about this endocrine appointment today that is literally on the day of my birthday. I think it's to definitively check out if I have Klienfelter or not because the doctor told my mom that in the screening they do when I was born (my mom's main argument against me having this thing) they only check for down syndrome and other important stuff, not klinefelter, and given that they used the public health's service for that it is almost guaranteed they didn't look at that. Oh well, I only really want to do it because I *think* I need it to get hrt (I'll have to ask my psychiatrist at the trans clinic once I get assigned to one). I've already got a hormone test done and the doctor was confused because the sub ordered me to be checked for hormones that aren't usually looked at in biological males, that's whatever tho, honestly better. So yeahhh still waiting on hrt. I don't know if it gets rid of body hair or just slows down its growth but holy fuck would I like that rn, shaving my legs is a PAIN because of how fucking long I am and how much leg there is to shave, I go through like 2 razors it's crazy. I've only got 2 left I think so I better wait a day or 2 before shaving again so I take more out. Been looking into laser but it looks both painful and expensive so it's very much off the table. Cunts over at the job I applied for didn't tell me jack before or after the training was set to begin so I guess they didn't want me in... At least school is entertaining lately, we're working on a long ass word document where we write a Game design Document or whatever it's called. It's very fun because I can finally put on paper a shit ton of ideas I've had over the years for this weird survival rpg game. It'll very likely not go anywhere but hey! Oh and I have the last thursday and friday of october off for some reason but I won't question it! I'll take it in fact!

Tag 68, 15/10/2024

I literally want to kill myself right now I'm in the worst class in all of human history, outside it's 20º but inside it's 28 for some fucking reason, I'm sweating but I'm not hot either so it's not like I can justify it, the most boring man ever birthed is talking to a brick wall of sleep deprived younguns about how to move images on libreoffice writer and no one is doing the task, me included. I can't fucking concentrate with this monotone mf yappmeister going on about indents and styles and headings, heat isn't helping, the fact that this is a tedious and long ass task about stuff EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN ROOM KNOWS doesn't help either. I'm fucking sweating again. I swear to god, it's the first class in the day and I'm fucking sweating so I'll smell like shit the entire rest of the day for no goddamn reason other than "hey let's put the heater on *clueless* " -management, 25ºC weather. I've heard hrt helps with this, holy hell I hope it does because if I ever wear something I care about outside and I start sweating my day is going to be ruined thoroughly.

Tag 67, 14/10/2024

Yesterday I re-installed valorant because fuck it I'm bored and turns out it's kinda fun to play now! I started out maining sage because I like playing the medic (even though my aim is very decent and my game sense isn't) but then I found out about Deadlock, really cool character, looked up one guide and played her all night, and evening! For a support character you can get away with a lot of aggresive shenanigans so it's way more fun than the other sentinels (got I hate playing killjoy, it sucks so much that she's meta). I'm in bronze 1 still because I haven't touched the game since like 2021? I remember getting the beta, playing it for about a year, things getting too competitive for me to enjoy and eventually me uninstalling due to some technical problems that made the game run like dogwater. Trans-stuff-wise I'm ippity uppity lately! (that's good). I feel like I pass (to an extent, holy shit does my height fuck with things sometimes). I've seen people worry that estrogen makes them shorter and to be honest I WANT estrogen to shorten me, maybe not 5'4 but going from 6'3"-ish (195 cm) to 5'10" (178 cm) would be a godsend, even if it's VERY unrealistic. I'll take 6'0" (182 cm) at this fucking point. I don't know why I calculate height in american when I'm european but I also celebrate halloween and not whatever the fuck my country does in october soooooo~ Colour me anglonised; "I hate it already" -every 3rd world nation, 1830-1950. Valorant is also helping me voice train believe it or not, I'm very shy in online lobbies because I grew up being bullied on the internet but I do drop the occasional "nice" or "thanks" on the vc and it's nice to see people use femenine pronouns from me thereafter. I've been watching a shit ton of F1nnster videos the last month or so and holy shit did the guy get lucky genetics, he looks so much like a girl everyone thought he was on hrt 2 years before he actually got it. I kinda envy him and it does make me kinda mad inside that he isn't using his looks to actually be a girl but whatever it's his life. I hate envy it's such a shit feeling because it feels like shit and you feel like a shit person when you feel it. Oh the dread... it's too much!

Tag 66, 13/10/2024

So I didn't end up buying make up at all, I was out visiting my grandmother yesterday so I couldn't and I spent friday doing nothing so... It's fine to be honest, I bet if I ask my sister she'll show me what everything is and does. I kinda feel like shit today because I've done jack shit and my weight is starting to sink in, I think that knowing I'll get hrt sooner rather than later is fucking with my motivation to loose weight because someone (or rather, some site) told me you loose a fair amount of weight while on hrt. I'm not overweight theoretically but goddamn do I have a belly. I usually hide it very effectively under hoodies and stuff but it's becoming pretty apparent that I ought to do something about it if I want to wear more femenine clothing. I came to this realisation when my amazon order got here, I got earphones and a cool knitted sweater (it's pretty different from the one I bought 2 days ago dw I ain't throwin away money that easily), holy fuck does the sweater reveal just how big my belly is. I really want to do something about it but my only real option at the moment is to get my bike fixed and go run laps around the city every evening... Which is going to be impossible if I get a job like I plan (need) to. My family's in a VERY bad spot economically so I gotta lift some weight off my mom's shoulders, my dad should really get a job but at this point he's so old I doubt he'd find one anyway, not like he'd try. Talking about my dad; He saw me wear an outfit the other day that wasn't particularly male, my room had purple lights on, I was wearing my striped knitted sweater and my black long skirt, the mf came home WAY earlier than I expected and tried to barge into my room to ask me what I wanted for dinner, thank GOD my computer is right where my door is so I could block him with my chair, it was very awkward but I spat out that I didn't want anything and he just walked away. I didn't hear anything of this from him for a day and I still have yet to see it brought up. He commented yesterday on my choice of pants (I've been wearing skin-tight-ish shorts for ages now as a pijama) and I told him that I'd been wearing them for a while and he once again just rolled with it I guess... I feel like I should wear femenine clothing all the time just to see his reaction if he ever catches me again without seeming like a bold move on my part. He's the one that doesn't knock before opening my door anyways it's a miracle they've never seen me... seen me... uhhh... doing... you know what.

Tag 65, 11/10/2024

I am oh so seriously considering buying makeup today... It isn't a big deal; What IS a big deal is that I want to wear it all the time... You know what that means! Dad's got to see it. At this point, he knows, and unless he's suddenly developed dementia, he remembers it every time he sees me, is it that crazy to say that I should just be myself in front of him if he knows who I really am? Yesterday we had a weird interaction, he went on this massive tangent on whatever was being disscused at the dinner table about travel and north africa and it ended like 2 hours later when he gave me a book about it. I don't know what he expects me to do with it, I've never been good at reading books and to be honest it isn't something I'm interested in at all... I probably should've told him I didn't really care but I couldn't because he's my dad and I think he's just desperate to find something to do with me now that travel has died down and I've overcome him in computer science stuff... I've never really shared anything with him besides food, except from a few outliers we like the same food and he's made sure to point it out to everyone for years. I don't feel attached to my dad at all it feels like he does something similar to what I do whenever he's around anyone, he just puts on a mask and does as it says, I've never had a conversation with him that he didn't dismiss or turn into a rigged "debate". He's got high walls up and I can't get through them and to be honest I don't think he can either... Men I guess. Anyways, should I try this? I'm going to wear femenine clothes and makeup around him eventually, I won't be "closeted in all but name" forever or at least I hope. If you're reading this please actually tell me something, I don't know what to do, I'm done hiding but everyday I see more and more why I've hidden myself away for such a long time. urghhh

Tag 64, 10/10/2024

Guess who's at school again! Me... I could've waited 40 minutes to write this at home but I'm too bored, I'm in an english class and literally NOTHING is going on. So... Makeup. I fucking LOVED it! It was literally like changing my face for a better one. I encountered 1 critical flaw, I couldn't get it off at night, scratch that, I couldn't FIGURE OUT if I had gotten it off. I mean none was getting onto the micellium water pad thing after a while but maybe it coudl've hardened or something I don't know, the problem is that I didn't remember what my eyelashes looked like before the mascara lol, I never pay attention to them. I was paranoid cuz I read on the internet that it can get into your eyes and cause infections n nasty stuff. Anyways, I'm mostly looking for something that can hide my more masculine features like my cheek bones (I fucking hate how they look under certain light angles its crazy). My nose is fine ngl I've never had an issue with it, maybe recently I've noticed it to be on the bigger side but so is my sister's and she doesn't seem bothered by it. I don't know shit about makeup so I'll have to research that. I plan on going full out this sunday, buy makeup stuf on saturday and apply it all at once sunday when my sweater arrives. I hope I look good, I've seen makeup do downright miracles so it better do one on me... I also need something for eyebrows I hate how thick and big they are, mom says they aren't THAT big but it feels like it due to how bold they are you can literally see them through my hair it sucks. I've looked into it a bunch and haven't found that much but I guess I could ask my sister, she seems to know what she's doing.

Tag 63, 9/10/2024

I had the worst morning in a while today... Woke up at 7 (very bad, I have to be in school by 8 and take ~12 minutes to get there), realised, made breakfast to the fastest of my ability, finished at 7:20, fuck, got dressed and organised backpack, 7:35, FUCK, applied face-enhancing cream and got lenses on, 7:42, OH FUCK, bolted out of the house, got to school in time. Due to not showering and not having cleaned my hair for like 2 days I felt bad, VERY bad, so bad in fact that, when I looked at my reflection in some glass building that I pass by in my commute, I almost had a panick attack of dysphoria. Turns out, my hair is my biggest ally in this whole face thing and if it's not ready I look BAD, so yeah, first 2 hours of class were hell, not only because I was having a mental crisis but because the school decided to turn on the heater AT 25ºC WEATHER, WHAT THE FUCK!?! I eventually got the brilliant idea to make a ponytail because it sometimes makes me pass more (I still haven't decided if it looks good but today it was definetly an upgrade). The way I do my ponytails is I leave the front part of the face covered in hair and tie the back so I can still hide my face when anxious (I do that way too much btw it's pavlovian at this point). It looked good, hooray! Did I forget to mention that I did 2 exams today? Oh well shit I did! So I did that... By the second one I was already pretty collected so it wasn't hard at all but the first one was pretty bad, if I took it right now I bet I could do it way faster but I think I got there in the end. I don't know the grades for the first one but the second one I know I got an 8.5 so that's pretty neat compared to my 4.2 average in high school. DeMarco was the star of my iPod today, listened to him like a maniac. I got the gnack to listen to "My Kind of Woman" which is a song I actually don't listen to much? It's not in any of my playlists at least but it sure did satiate my brain.

Tag 62, 8/10/2024

Guess who's looking for a job! I've already applied to one but to be honest I'm kinda hoping they don't pick me, it's good-ish pay and it's 3 months long with a good timetable but it's a telecom job so I will be speaking for 6 hours every single evening in the voice I hate because my good voice is still kinda shaky and hurts after 2 hours. (As I was writing this they rejected my cv lol) So yeah... I haven't told anyone the real reason I don't want it, I just said "I don't see myself I feel like I'd be stressed" but like that's every job ever sooo.... I'm kinda hoping I end up finding a job as a cashier or something, it's way more chill depending on the store. There isn't much conversation, if any, I just have to say "hello" and "do you want a ticket". I'll also have a lot more advantage in the selection process due to all the language degrees I've been collecting (specially the english one). Just gotta pray that some small supermarket near me has to let someone go and pray a bit more for it to be a part-time evening job instead of a full-time or morning one.

Tag 61, 7/10/2024

I want to tear off my fucking sweat glands so bad I've been sweating all fucking day wearing nothing but a t-shirt and normal ass pants at 24ºC weather, it sucks so much. I sweat very easily to the point that I can be chilling in my room not feeling hot or cold and just feel a drop go down the side of my body I hate it so much. Having my very hot computer on the floor probably doesn't help but it shouldn't be hot enough to the point that it makes a difference to begin with. I really want to move to somewhere in the north when I'm a bit older, sweden or something. I've heard a lot of good things about Finland so I guess I could try there? If my German gets better I'd for sure consider moving to Hamburg or Bremen or whatever. btw today I felt so passing it was crazy, I felt so good looking at the mirror in my elevator. I don't know what I did differently than most days but my hair is super smooth and feels like a rug when I touch it and I just wanna keep touching it it's crazy. I'm repeating myself a lot I should really look into a/c next summer/spring/autumn.

Tag 60, 6/10/2024

I don't know if I'll end up deleting this entry but I had the weirdest dream today (it includes the sex, if ur not comfortable with that don't read this entry!): basically I was in this weird small town thing and next thing I knew I was some guy's girlfriend, I met up with the guy and he immediately tried and managed to get into bed with me, I'm not going to lie, it was nice :3 Anyways so later on we were in a baseball game as the players and won and then ran through a random ass grass field then I woke up. Bro, what? Dream forgot to be wet at the end there lol I remember seeing in the baseball game some characters from random shows I haven't seen since I was a kid like Doraemon and shit it was crazy.

Tag 59, 4/10/2024

Trying to buy clothes is going to be the death of me, I have found like 3 things I want, 1 of them is very situational, 2 others are a skirt and tall socks... I have been looking for 3 days around the biggest shopping website in the world. I can't find any tops I like... Some cool t-shirts and like 3 cool cardigans sure but they're all too expensive (if anything is above 30€ it's disqualified cuz I only have 67€). urghhh. It'd be so cool to know that once bought I could just wear them out in public, I'm fine with it but being recognised by someone I don't know out in the wild will for sure cause an aneurysm and an acute case of the awkward moment critical mass syndrome. Of course I doubt people that have only seen me as a kid will recognise me in full girl mode but it's a possibility and I dread the day it happens. Also my dad is still a thing I have to look out for, I don't think he'd be happy catching me outside with clothes he doesn't know I even own. Not to mention the whole he-doesn't-really-approve-of-this thing. I've been making do with the things I already have in my closet but it's very limiting, I have 2 shirts I like because they're big, like 5 that are tight and highlight my stuff (so only with something on top), 2 hoodies I like and 3 pairs of pants that are only fine because they're fully black and don't reach down to my feet fully (so they're kinda tight which kinda looks nice on me paired with an oversized hoodie). I've been wearing the same 3 outfits forever and I hate it but what am I gonna do... Some other things I ought to buy some day are a keyboard and a mouse because my current keyboard is a hangover from the laptop days (2018) and is SUPER dirty to the point that some parts of it have begun to rust, my mouse has had a broken wheel for AGES and is also very dirty because I didn't bother cleaning it everynow and then 2 years ago and I don't care enough to give it a thorough clean now. God I'm disgusting lol

Tag 58, 2/10/2024

I'm in school right now so don't expect much from this entry, I just wanna spit thoughts rn. Spit-thought #1: wait, everyone oscillates between feeling trans and feeling like a faker in their early stages? Yeah turns out that's something that happens to just about everyone... I've been reading other blogs for the past couple days and it has kinda opened my eyes a bit; Everyone goes through this. Cool, if I had known that sooner... Lemme add a lil annex to this; I read Bonecharms' blog a few minutes before writing this so it's still fresh in my mind, I'm so happy his egg finally cracked fully, even if the means weren't exactly the best, then again, who's are. Spit-thought #2: mark from my class smokes leaves (guess which kind) AND ciggarettes. Talking about mark... I'm physically attracted to him and it's weird because he treats me like a bro because he doesn't know yet. I wonder what his reaction would be... This is why I didn't want to speak to anyone, now there are 15 new faces to see the day I come out and I'm not expecting wide smiles particularly. He's talked about having trans friends, mostly ftm, still I'm sure he'll take it well, it's not like I'm the most masculine human alive precisely, I pass so well the cashier I bought m&m's off of yesterday used femenine pronouns! I'm a natural! My face is kinda fucked today tho cuz I couldn't find the cream I usually put on it that gets rid of "The red quadrant" and "Nethereye bumps". I don't think hrt will help with those 2 beasts but hey, at least my jaw will stop being so damn angular (it isn't but it is for me and my 2 hours of staring at the mirror every morning). The beasts shall be slain by the mighty hand of makeup which I'm still too scared to bare (or bear, idk how this verb works, I'm trying to say like 'hold' basically). There ya go, 2 good spittins. I'm also debating wether or not to go to mudmeet 2025 but I feel like I wouldn't really fit in, I only started playing the game 2 weeks ago when almost everyone there started before I was even a thought and I'm also not in the uk so I'd have to convince someone to take me there, they're also talking about going to a pub which isn't ideal given that I'll be 17 when the event hits so I won't be able to legally drink, it's too far fetched ngl idek why I'm considering it tbh lol.

Tag 57, 30/09/2024

Things have been so normal today I was debating wether or not to even make a blog entry today. I should answer a question at least 1 (one) of the people who read this have asked themselves, "if buying clothes is such a hastle for you... Why don't you just buy them online lmao?" well because I don't have a bank account and you can't exactly put euro bills on a cd drive and send it off to amazon that way (would be so cool though, can you imagine that). I'm expecting one because my mom opened me a restricted account thing that IN THEORY came with a card that has valid credentials but I've been waiting for 2 months and I'm starting to think it isn't going to get here. It'd be so fucking easy though it's crazy. My family's never been big on online purchases, we've always gone to the stores even for things that are very hard to find irl. It seems so damn convinient, yeah it takes like 4 days to get to you but it's so easy! One issue with buying clothes online is figuring out if they fit you which would be a downgrade for someone who actually goes to the fitting rooms at clothe shops, I'm too awkward to so I just wing it and if it doesn't fit I either return it or live with it not fitting (though I usually buy big stuff, like 1 or 2 sizes above mine, so it isn't that big of a deal). I wonder if now that my dad knows I'm trans I can wear femenine stuff around the house... Hmmmmm... I'd like it but I feel like he'd feel like I'm testing him which is never good. Whatever, I'll just wait to see his reaction when he finally pieces together one, either that or wait until hrt at which point it'll be official enough that he won't have anything to go off of.

Tag 56.5 , 29/09/2024

Update: I think he's just going to act like he hasn't heard anything for a while. He brought home some breakfast after walking the dog (at like 11:30am lol). It was good we all ate together except for him for some reason. I don't know what to expect to be honest. I hope this all blows over and he just takes it, I'm gonna have to go around telling my other family members now and it isn't going to be fun either.

Tag 56, 29/09/2024

FUCK FUCK FUCK!! My mom told my dad yesterday night... She took the initiative because she saw how much I needed it to happen and also that I would never muster enough courage to do it, from what she says he doesn't accept it at all, he said that they're going to brainwash me at the trans clinic (my mom said we have yet to go which isn't true I went there 2 days ago) and that he just doesn't see me as a woman. Tame compared to the downfall of the roman empire I was imagining not gonna lie. They got home at like 11pm so I didn't see him and right now it's morning so I haven't seen him either. My mom says to just carry on like nothing happened and that he'll accept it eventually. I want to buy it but I'm scared of the next time I see him... What face is he going to make at his once favourite son now telling him she wants to be a prostitute? (The only trans people he knows about are that because yay my culture is awesome and he's on telegram all fucking day). I guess I'll have to wait to see what hapens... I'm not particularly hopeful though.

Tag 55, 28/09/2024

Got 50 bucks for taking care of my uncle's cat for a while, honestly wasn't expecting that much money it's a lot. Dunno what to spend it on because while I want to buy more female clothes I wouldn't be able to effectively hide them anymore, the box I use is already filled to the brim and in a very unique spot in my closet. My room is full of things that aren't mine as well so sometimes my mom or dad look through my closet trying to find their stuff. Don't ask how the smallest room got to be the storage one, I've got no idea. I've been kinda wanting a fully black skirt for a while, my long skirt is way too long to match with a simple t shirt and my small skirt is orange so it only really goes with coloured stuff or sweaters. I don't have any tops at all, I didn't bother since I assumed I'd be able to live off t-shirts forever. I assumed wrong, my t-shirts are ugly as fuck. Problem is that I don't know what I want outside of 1 specific thing that I can't find in stores, today I went to the shopping center to look for a black skirt and all I found was one that was WAY too short (no like fr do people really wear stuff like that?), didn't find anything worthwhile in the tops department either, a lot of wool sweaters I don't feel strongly about. Man I just wanna come out and be able to go with my mom or sis or something so I can finally decide on something... We could go, it's not like they don't know, but I feel like they'd be uncomfortable with it... Same with my pronouns, I haven't forced anyone that knows to use female pronouns for me yet... I told my mom about the name I've been eyeing lately, it's pretty common and shares the first letter with my dying name, I like it. I rewatched a video that I remember helped me make my mind up about this whole thing the first time I watched it, it was "The Incel to Trans Pipeline and Inside Mari" by Ceicocat, the manga part was interesting and the 4chan bit was a bit sad but what really stood out to me was Ceicocat's own story, I related to it a lot and it made me think a lot, a few months later I made this website and the rest is history.

Tag 54, 26/09/2024

Went to the trans clinic thing today with my mom to meet with a doctor there for a sort of interview today. It was mostly boring ngl I just sat there answering questions in between explanations of things I already knew, I get how they'd be cool for someone who isn't chronically online like me tho I don't diss. Basically I was told I could get any help I wanted with ANYTHING, I just had to call the guy and he'd plan a meeting about with me about consequences of whatever I asked for and the benefits and stuff. It's pretty sweet. Sucks I couldn't ask for hrt right away. Cool thing tho: they can keep it off the record so my dad doesn't find out... but I have to tell him cuz his signature is required for me to get a personal gender therapist there. So I now more than ever need my dad to wake the fuck up to the reality that I've been hinting at for the past 16 years. I think I've done a good job kind of easing it in, I've NEVER been masculine at all and I think he definetly notices. Hard part is up next tho, mom says she could be the one to break it to him but I don't want her to take the blame for how I am, not like there should be a blame to throw around in the first place ngl. In a perfect world I'd CONSIDER an outcome that sees my family unanimously agreeing that I should be allowed to be who I am but as things stand I think he's not going to take it well. I'm expecting a sort of excommunication. He'd definetly keep a roof over my head and cook the family lunch still but I doubt he'd offer me to go on adventures anymore or tell me to go down to the cafe with him to walk the dog. The dynamic is sure to change. The doctor said that maybe HE would take it well but his friends wouldn't, I don't see that. Everyone's always been open in his circle and I fear more he is going to feel humiliated for this somehow and become even more of an antisocial. Urghhhh

Tag 53, 23/09/2024

Finally met the older trans woman I've been talking on and off about for like 5 months. It was cool to hear her story and I related to it at times, though she told me everyone's got their own story. She had a lot of experience with people (mainly female friends) recognising her to be "weird" early on which I don't have at all because I haven't had a social life since forever and I've never really had a female friend. I didn't really get much out of the conversation aside from legal tidbits like how to change your legal name and gender, also about how the trans healthcare thing works. She isn't on estrogen or anything like that, she explained why she chose this path, something about it being intrusive. She's got very firm opinions and is part of the group of people that think any body is femenine enough. I didn't really get it, not going to lie, I didn't say anything because it really wasn't the moment and I had literally JUST met this person. I think it was a good idea tho, I'm happy I've finally got someone's account of this thing I'm going through.

Tag 52, 21/09/2024

Didn't post for 2 days, not because I was doing something but because I was so bored I didn't feel like getting sad looking at this blog lol. Made the mud page to kill some of the copious free time I have nowadays. What the hell happene? When I was in my old school I was always saying I didn't have an ounce of free time, maybe it's because of homework?? Not like I did my homework anyway so it can't realistically be that... A mistery for the ages! Today I'm stupid happy, played mud in the morning with Dara the Sorceress, really nice person who's been informing me about mudII and how to play it, always watches over me as well so I don't permadie to a parrot or something. After lunch I listened to music for a while and tried finding a new pattern for the crescendo of a song I'm working on for guitar, didn't really find it tho. Took a shower and now I smell good and have cool looking hair (I like it messy so I half-dry it and go ham at it with a towel, combs are for the weak-minded), since it isn't really shoulder-height yet it has AN aesthetic I like, don't really know what that is tho. I'm installing Baldur's Gate 3 (I didn't buy it I'm broke as can be, steamunlocked saving my ass once again), I've heard it's like the best game ever so I gotta try it, also heard it had state-of-the-art character customization which I'm really into. Might make my mudII character on there.

Tag 51, 19/09/2024

I've been feeling good about my passability lately, I really wanted to avoid talking in school just so coming out would be easier and I could use my female voice to practice it. I obviously dropped that as soon as I realised I couldn't fuck this year of school up under any circumstances, it'll be hard because I want to wear female clothes asap, might be a long time until I wear them in school tho. The social situation is looking good but every day that passes I feel like I'm digging my own grave deeper and deeper, making the same mistakes I swore not to. Had programming class today and the teacher is cool, he's a down to earth guy but he's super into group things so I hate him by default as a teacher, I have the get-outta-jail-free card but I don't want to use it right away, I want favourable scores on everything he throws at me, after this course is over in 2 years or so I'll need at minimum an 8.5 to go to the next step which is pretty much needed for any decent job. If I come out before christmas I think it'd be nice to polish this plan I've had in the works for a bit (I just came up with it). I think after these 2 years I'll take a gap year to really hammer the transition home, I'll be 18, with a diploma, probably good notes and a shit ton of estrogen. I think it'd be nice to take a year, maybe work all year and get a basic house or something out in the edges of the city where it's affordable, after coming out I doubt my dad will be a treat to be around, I'm open to the idea of him being supportive still, I just don't see it. I want to live by myself, I want to decorate my own house, have a proper living space, wear whatever the fuck I feel like wearing. I feel kinda trapped in my neighbourhood, everyone knows me but I don't know any of them (long stories short; My mom has been the only baker here for 40 years and so knows almost everyone, so they know her and met me when I was little), going outside with my female clothes was scary because of that, I made sure to go out on a work night in the middle of August so everyone was either sleeping or out on a trip. I'm not afraid to meet strangers in girl mode, I'm afraid someone will recognise me, wrecking both of my parents' social circles in a week. God I just want to live my life, work for 8 hours and play guitar while at home, maybe make another website.

Tag 50, 17/09/2024

Today marks the 50th day I've spent venting on an "anonymous" site to strangers on the internet. Not going to "celebrate" it, it's pretty sad. As you can probably tell I'm not particularly happy today. I was, in school, what the fuck is wrong with me do I WANT to go to school? I guess when you study things you slightly care about you start wanting to study them... Anyways, social situation, talked today with the Mark guy I talked about, he's chill as can be, he smokes, dunno if cigs or other stuff, it doesn't bother me cuz since we're in class he doesn't smoke close enough for me to cough at the smoke, we talked about my laptop, said he used to have one exactly like it when he was younger, played cs on it. He also opened the conversation by saying how everyone except him has something cool they know how to do (I was modeling a napoleonic rifle in blender out of boredom) then he went on to say he knew how to do something I don't know how to do (the whole convo was a bit awkward). I think I can click with this guy but at the same time he's "popular" and he did do stuff just to get a laugh out of the more simple people in the room, mainly just insults and gestures while on some chat roulette thing when the teacher was away. I feel like I could be friends with him? I don't really know, he likes some of the music I like I guess, he dresses in his own style which is a breath of fresh air believe it or not, I feel like behind the class clown there's a cool guy somewhere and I'd like to meet him but I don't know if I'll have the patience to while going through hrt in a couple of months (or hopefully weeks, we'll see). I just want something to do, I feel like I should get a job for the evenings or something, I'd have to bottle up my shit and not dump it here because I doubt I would have the time but I'd accept that, I still have the weekends, besides making money is the biggest upside an activity could have. urghhh

Tag 49, 16/09/2024

First day of school over with and I'm proud to say that it went exactly like I expected it to; I got a 100 on every single activity we did and while I would've liked to not talk to anyone I had to because group activites and those idiotic "get to know eachother" things, it was fine though, autopilot got it done. There was this one guy that stood out to me let's call him Mark, he was unique, he had his own kinda style with how he clothed and stuff, he also said he liked music I also kind of like (no Mac DeMarco sadly, just rock bands n stuff). All in all I hope I would've interacted with him a bit more, he's also funny from what I can gather. I have to say today was kind of sad for the teachers, literally no one but Mark and 3 dudes that repeated the course were talking, she didn't ask me directly much because she knows I'm autistic but hey I answered the 2 things she asked me so I could at least get some kind of ball rolling. Also I found out there's a trans teacher, I don't think I have her in any of my classes, then again I've only done 3 and there are a lot more than 3. I'll see how it works out but for now school's looking good! I'm hopeful I can find a job or something to bring some money home, after transitioning I'll have to buy a lotta clothes, I've only got 2 skirts and 1 top I currently can't put on because it looks bad on fat people, I'll try it when my belly is worth showing lol, it's cool so I didn't return it. Man I can't wait to go buy clothes for myself.

Tag 48, 15/09/2024

Here's a thought: what will I do with this site once I'm fully transitioned? It's not like my life will be interesting afterwards, at least I hope it isn't. My plan for adulthood is very unorthodox, so much so I'd say I don't have one. My dream is to spend my early 20's working in IT or whatever and every once in a while going out on lil' trips around the countryside with an old volkswagen or something, I love 80's cars. It's a dream I think originates from what my parents were doing in their 30's, going out to the other side of the country to dick around and go to clubs n stuff far from home, my dad (if he's saying the truth which is hard from my dad) has built like 7 software companies in his life, they worked until they didn't but man did they make money when they worked, my parents used to be pretty well off, not rich or anything but in the 90's they could've bought 3 houses had they seen a need, unfortunately for me they didn't and stuck with a house my mom's mom (she died a long time ago) bought for them, my dad hasn't worked since like 2002 due to physical inability (he had a heart attack and got given indefinite subsidies for it were he not to work), my mom's always worked the same exact job at the same exact company making bread (literally). God if they had just saved up money... I'll stop venting. Anyway, adulthood, right, I just hope to have a fun life, I've spent my first 16 years on this earth doing absolutely nothing but becoming worse and worse at school and socialising. I used to be the gifted kid and last year I BARELY got out of high school. And now this whole trans thing man I feel like I just can't catch a fucking break from myself, not even sleeping is good for me because I inherited some degree of insomnia from my dad so for me sleeping is more like laying down doing nothing for hours while my mind is having an existential crisis I have to try my best to completely ignore, every single fucking night. I hate it. Back on topic though; I think I'll ditch this site once I'm done with my transition or hell even just hrt, I like to think my mental health will improve considerably enough to ditch this outlet of teenage angst and brainfuckery. I hope I could delete this site entirely, I don't think I'll want to re-visit it in my 20's and certainly not in my 30's, I hope I'll have found SOMEONE by then. Ughh not even my escape from real life is fun or happy how did it come to this?

Tag 47, 14/09/2024

Saturday, aye? It's finally cold (14ºc) where I live, it's very much good, it kinda stinks because my fingers are hurt way more when I play guitar but it's fine I'll get over it. Sad this coldness only lasts until like 11am, I'd love to wear hoodies outside already. Yesterday I spent my evening installing and configuring linux mint on my old cheap og laptop (it was my first computer, back in 2019). It's a cheapington asus that my dad got just so I would shut up about wanting a computer, being 11 I was over the moon with it, made some basic ass unity games there, learned my first smudge of html, some c# (idk shit about c# nowadays), did basic animations with flash and stuff it was a fun time, when I got my current computer (ultra-mega pc tower with 3060ti and i7 something) it was relegated to the death drawer until my mom asked for it to do uni stuff (long story) and since she finished her course and didn't wanna do anything else I got it back 2 days ago, windows made the computer slow as fuck so linux it was, I've only ever used ubuntu up to this point but I've heard they've gone downhill so I installed the best similar thing: Mint. It runs like a charm ngl, it does blender modeling good (we don't talk about rendering), it runs gimp, it can access the school network, the whole 9 yards! it's not like I'll be using it heaps anyway, it's mostly just to make libreoffice documents and fuck about with some programs that simulate networks or whatever, 3d modeling is going to be 2 classes at best and canva is good for anything the marketing class will throw at me. God this year is going to be so underwhelming, I feel like I should do everything super perfect (which'll be easy seeing as I already know most of what they're going to teach) so they promote me next year to some higher class or something idk if that happens in my country like it happens in american movies...

Tag 46, 13/09/2024

So today I had a very brief interview one on one with who will be my main teacher for the rest of the school year, I'd say it went well. She asked me about how much I knew about some stuff and my hobbies I told her I've got an english c1 degree (believe it or not from this site's grammar lol) and that I make silly websites on my free time. She also asked me if I had any illnesses or whatever I told her I had aspergers and we chatted a bit about it, she told me I'd reserve the right to do any group activity by myself (god send) at any moment with any teacher. So it went very well. She'll have to confirm my autism diagnosis by asking my parents and stuff. I'm excited to start going to class, man. I feel like it'll give me something fun to do every day that isn't too challenging, let's be honest, I feel like they won't teach me anything new at all; I've built and repaired old and new computers before, I maintain a website as a hobby, I've made simple games with unity before, I know python... Keep in mind the highest level of thing we'll do is like basic html, no actual programming, also marketing and stuff but I'm pretty good at that too I'm a rather creative person. Aight I should stop I've been kissing my own ass for a whole paragraph, bye until something happens in my life!

Tag 45.5 , 12/09/2024

Completely forgot about this and had it brain blasted into memory just now: my mom let my dad know about the hormone test thing, also the klinefelter syndrome suspicion. He allegedly got pretty defensive about it, reminiscent of the time he first learnt I had been diagnosed with autism, mom says that she got a good feeling out of it though, I'll have to trust her to sleep sound at night. He's been real warm to me these past 2 days, I've only seen him smile when he's looking at me and I don't really know what to make of it, maybe he's trying to comfort me before I get diagnosed because he thinks it's bad? I don't really know and I'm not really good at reading people anyways. I guess I'll find out sooner rather than later, I'll have to come out at some point. I wonder if I should mention this whole thing to my teacher tomorrow in the interview, it'd be nice to have someone call me by my pronouns every day, it's too big of an ask for my mom and sister rn (I think), also would be good in case of bullying but I doubt any kind of bullying will go on at this school, it's all very bussines-centric, discipline seems to be enforced rather well or at least that's what I've gathered. Why can't they just do normal classes right away?! Why must I go through 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation with someone I don't know just because they're going to be teaching me 5 days a week for the following 7 months... I just wanna go in, do my job, go out, why can't I??

Tag 45, 12/09/2024

"How was my first day of school?" you may ask... I don't know. I went there at like 8 (they told us to do so back in june), asked around the entire building (the school isn't the entire building, some of it is offices and stuff) disturbing many peoples' work days only to find out we were meant to come at 10, they apparently posted it on their site (which no one thought to look at) but didn't send us an e-mail. Waited 2 hours in a random park nearby listening to lovejoy on my iPod like the nostalgic I am, ate the sandwich I prepared (guacamole with york ham, it's unorthodox but it tastes yummy) and finally went into the building for the presentation. The presentation itself was fine it was the usual "here's the name of the thing you just signed up for, here's your teacher, fuck off with whoever leads you now" but to be honest I wasn't listening because there was this guy in the direction team or whatever that looked so much like saul from breaking bad, it was uncanny dude! Anyways, I got with my group without making a single human connection, went up a thousand stairs to reach the classroom, got another presentation, by the teacher this time, usual rule explanation stuff and how we could get a lended computer (european stuff). Boring as fuck. Tomorrow I have to go back there for 10 minutes at like 1 pm to have a 1 on 1 interview with the teacher and then leave again, so no actual classes till monday I guess. It issss what it issss. At least nothing disastrous happened, oh wait it did! Some mf from my old & old old class (I've known this guy for 9 years somehow) was there and I just know he's going to cling onto me when he doesn't get any friends, he is the most boring human alive on planet earth and the stupidest at the same time, he can't multiply numbers bigger than 6 and his only passion in life is Brawl Stars... I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being mean to him (I am) but I just genuinely hate him.

Tag 44, 11/09/2024

Last day of summer break anyone? God I don't know what to do to prepare myself for school tomorrow... It's like I wanna go but at the same time I'm scared to go. Whatever, I'll end up going and meeting someone to talk to that's how humans work... right? I'd rather talk about other stuff I'm interested in: I'm making music! The other day I was just playing the guitar and found a cool position I could strum into a song, so I did! Made a riff for it and everything, I just gotta wait till later so my sister doesn't complain about the noise and record it! I'll show it to you guys when it's done but I also made a lil track that'll be like the b-side song for the single (because singles are meant to have 2 songs on them, not one like spotify will tell you). I've been practicing this song of mine so much that I actually bruised my fingers but it's going to be worth it I bet! Dunno where I'll upload it, the site sure but I can't just put an mp3 file on here because neocities, i think bitview or soundcloud are my best bets, or hell even bandcamp so at least one rich guy can buy 2 mediocre acoustic guitar songs... Then again wilbur soot made a living from that soooooooo I could be the rich one in a month >:) Update: I uploaded them to bandcamp here so if u want to you can also throw me a bone! It'll get you 2 bonus tracks too (they aren't much, just unedited versions, but pleaseeee)

Tag 43, 09/09/2024

School's still on my mind, new thing though: I feel scared to interact with anyone (teachers included), I know I'm not there yet and I know I'll probably get someone to talk to about videogames or whatever while on social autopilot but I don't think I want that? I feel like if all I do is let my autopilot go I'll be trapped yet again in meaningless, surface-level "friendships" that'll fizzle out once I come out (which will be very soon). August really was my trans confirmation month, there wasn't a single day I doubted I was a girl, I had my state-mandated sad episodes but by and large it was a really good month, the awesome once-in-a-lifetime alone-at-home week happened in august after all. At this point I look pretty femenine even without trying which is good and bad at the same time, good because I want to look girly (because I am a girl) but bad because I don't want to look girly around people who don't know I'm a girl yet. It's all very complicated and even though I KNOW something bad will happen immediately after I pray that the stars align and I come out soon with some external help. Ughhh my life is so uncertain I just wanna play guitar and wear skirts ffs. It's kinda fucked up that due to my country being the way it is the exact day I was meant to meet my psychiatrist again was coincidentally a day off for everyone nation-wide, so I'll meet him exactly 1 day before the interview with the trans hospital people (25th this month). At least shit is happening...?

Tag 42, 08/09/2024

In 4 days I'm going to start school... Fuck. I know I'm going to be putting in 0 effort and still getting very good grades but the second there's a group project I'm going to fucking die. I've never worked well in groups, I hate having to fight 3 other people over wether my ideas get in or not, I hate how "normal" people work and I hate seeing people implement the most cliche, ctrl+c ctrl+v works into something that affects 3 other people's grades when that same person just shot down an objectively good idea to put that shit in. I hate working in groups, I really hope a teacher helps me out and gets me out of the more useless ones but I doubt it'll happen. God I'm negative today!

Tag 41, 07/09/2024

Just had a thought: this whole klinefelder thing... won't it make hrt less effective? if my estrogen levels are already high (which in theory they are if I have klinefelder), does that mean I just naturally went through hrt? This is probably a very dumb thought... maybe. I guess hrt gets you much more estrogen than your body is able to naturally generate even with this syndrome? Food for thought and a very incomprehensible converstion with my my doctor. Also apparently a day before I get my hormone levels checked I'm going to get interviewed by someone at the specialised trans hospital thing so I look forward to that but I'm also nervous because this guy can decided wether or not I get to be who I want to be in life... Damn that's deep as hell. On a happier note; The song below "Oh, Margarita!" by Mandelbro is SOOOOO good, please check them out it's such a shame they have so few listeners!!

Tag 40, 06/09/2024

40th blog entry (not counting same-day ones). Seeing this as a milestone warrants me to do a little retrospective; My first entry was a recap, I've been at this for almost a full year, I don't really know when my thoughts started just that the diary begins on the 11th of novembre. My second entry was about school and how it was my last day in the mandatory school system, it didn't feel right and I think I have a clue now; I'm scared of not being able to get to know anyone from here on out, school is such a good environment to cultivate meaningful friendships (and relationships if ur into that ig) and I threw all those years away with nothing to show for it but a diploma with underwhelming grades... Going back and reading my old entries is a mixed bag for sure, there are the casual "I made a sandwich and listened to a song" entries and then there are the paragraphs of montone sadness after I'm happy too long. All of my low points are the same, after some discovery that cheers me up I slowly go back to realise just how shitty my life is, my room is so small I can't play guitar standing or dance or play vr, my mom is always away doing work or out with her friends or sleeping, my dad is a brick wall to talk to, I never know what my sister is up to, my friends don't text or call me and I can't talk with them about emotions because "men", none of the games I've spent years playing crack me up anymore or are even enjoyable, youtube is much of the same, what am I even meant to do here? The only thing that stays consistent in my life is that I'll eventually get sad no matter how happy I achieve to be. At the very least, after like 3 months of posting on here, I know what I want and it sure as hell isn't a penis.